The Perfect or the Good?

            Since I created my “Dark Lord” profile, I have repeatedly found myself in a dialogue with guys who are seeking total incarceration in my dungeon for the rest of their lives. They pepper their profiles with ideas such as “no escape,” “permanent slavery,” and “prisoner for life.”

            Eventually the discussion comes down to this: “It costs approximately $1,000 a month to live in this house. That includes utilities, food, rent, internet, phone, etc. A conservative estimate is that health insurance would cost about $500 a month.... Do you expect your future master [me] to support you?”

            In their perfect fantasy, the answer is “Yes.” They think that the master they will find has enough wealth to financially support them for the rest of their lives.

            Here is a sample response: “Well Sir, its only income is about $250 a month… If it is to be kept captive it obviously won't be going to a job, so whether this for real or not depends on You Sir. If You are unwilling to feed it then so be it, Sir, it will not be able to submit to You Sir.”

My reply illustrates my opinion on this attitude: “As I thought... so go find yourself another owner.”

He answered: “Understood Sir, but it has to ask how You can turn a slave into what You specify in Your profile and have it go out to work, Sir?”

            OK, the vast majority of my readers have no intention of becoming slaves or masters. Their fantasies are much more practical and livable. Still, I think, there are lessons to be drawn from the above exchange.

            In a perfect world good scenes would last forever. Such an occurrence is the “stuff” of fantasy. In this case we can safely equate fantasy with fiction. Consider any good novel as an example. We rarely see the villain paying his bills or going to do the laundry. The heroine is seldom shown having her hair dyed or scrubbing pots and pans. With very few exceptions we don’t go to the movies to watch an actor sleep for eight hours, brush his or her teeth, or read a book.

            Real life is edited out of our fiction and is seldom recognized as part of the “reality” of a fantasy made true. Let’s look at the definition of fantasy from the Miriam-Webster dictionary: “fancy; especially: the free play of creative imagination; a creation of the imaginative faculty whether expressed or merely conceived: as a: a fanciful design or invention, b: a chimerical or fantastic notion, c : fantasia, d : imaginative fiction featuring especially strange settings and grotesque characters —called also fantasy fiction.”

            I’m certainly in favor of using our imagination to create a powerful and satisfying scene. The fact of the matter is that we can do a great deal of what might be fantasy in the limited time-frame of a scene. We can, after all, ignore our cell phones, disregard the laundry, or put off paying our bills for a weekend.

            It’s easy to “disappear” into a dungeon for a few days. It is problematic to disappear “without a trace” for six months or a year.

            So we must come to the conclusion that what might work in a scene (i.e., immobile bondage) won’t work for a long term relationship. In a perfect world, for instance, mummification in a full body plaster cast could go on forever. In this world, after the passage of a day or so, the need to eat, defecate, and move would become increasingly pressing.

            Sometime after the first month of seeking an “extreme slave” I began to question the place of limits in my fantasy. If I sought a “no limits” slave were there things that I just would not do? The best example was presented to me by a guy who wanted me to kill him. His “snuff” fantasy was hot and arousing but significantly illegal.

            So I gave some serious thought to what my limits were, believing that my limits protected both of us. I came up with three limits: in short, I wouldn’t endanger anyone’s health; do anything illegal; or allow a “slave” to become financial dependent upon me.

            Face it. A slave whose health is impaired is much less useful than a healthy one. I’m not willing to go to jail for my fantasy. A master who has to financially support his slave is, in my opinion, a slave to his slave.

            Just as I don’t play with people who won’t give up their limits for me, I won’t give up my limits for them. No problem, we just respect each other and go our separate ways.

            We can forego many things in the short run, such as lunch, regular exercise, or going to work. If we are seeking to experience our fantasy over an extended period of time, we must take into consideration what has to happen over that period of time. It’s one thing to negotiate a scene and quite another thing to negotiate a long term relationship.

            Whereas scenes “end” at a given time, we would hope that relationships are built to last. Unfortunately, as with the applicant quoted above, we often fail to distinguish between scene and relationship.

            I think that we can look at the example of a common human relationship, such as marriage. Once two people are married, that relationship continues 24/7. When “dad” goes to work he goes as a married man, even though he does very little at work that involves his marriage. Marriage (usually) involves sex, a honey moon, children (or not), sharing one’s income with one’s partner, etc. and work doesn’t.

            Going to work does not end the marriage. In the same way, having a job doesn’t cancel out one’s slavery. Even at work the slave is going to have to obey his or her master, keep the rules that have been agreed upon, and will have his or her choices limited in ways that his co-workers might not even imagine.

In fact, in this case, “going to a job” is an expression of the slave’s obedience. Her surrender of a paycheck is another example of the same thing. My applicant asks: “How You can turn a slave into what You specify in Your profile and have it go out to work, Sir?”

            Easy. You go to work because you are my property and you do what you are told to do. You see, my fantasy is that I am a master, not a jailer or a prison warden. You have the right to define your fantasy anyway you like. I suspect, though, that in the long run, you will have a hard time finding the master who agrees to become your warden for more than a week or so.

            So I am left asking the question “Is your need for a perfect fantasy so great that you will forego a good one?” Isn’t this one of those times when “half a loaf is better than none?” Remember I am not implying that the practical and pragmatic long term relationship omits the extreme, fantasy-fulfilling inclusion of great scenes. I am only saying that scenes and relationships have two entirely different sets of criteria.

            In the first case, a scene can be as wild as you can handle. In the second, the weekend ends on Monday morning.

            Perhaps this tenacious hold on an impossible fantasy is subconsciously purposeful, since it guarantees that it will never happen. There is therefore no need to settle for second best because one would rather have the fantasy, discuss it online ad nauseam, and never have to give it up for something that is more attainable.

            All that, you see, and you can blame your lack of fantasy fulfillment on recalcitrant masters rather than on your own self-defeating retention of a never-to-be actualized fantasy. If fiction is what you want, then call yourself an author and write it down. If life is what you want, then get real and enjoy what you can while you can.

Have a great week. Jack

* * * * *

From The Midwest Book Review:

The strangest of things can bring you closer to the divine. “The Dionysian Alliance” is a suspenseful novel following Detective Benjamin Kramer and his discovery of his ancestry within a religious order that promises to bring him into every dirty thing he can imagine, followers of Dionysos, the ancient god of wine and ecstasy. “The Dionysian
Alliance” is  a fun and riveting read that should prove difficult to put down.

I am in the process of changing my delivery options. Please go to http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/mQyjG and sign up to receive my weekly email via my blog site.

You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2012 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

The Urge

It’s true: Once upon at time, a long, long time ago, I was a newbie.

Just like everyone else, I had to muster up my courage to enter the dark, dangerous-appearing, and hard-to-find world of kink. In those days (early 1980’s) that meant finding a Leatherman’s bar, such as the Gold Coast (Chicago), The Lure (New York), or Lafitte’s in Exile (New Orleans).

I was married, with two young children, and did my best to repress my gay self. I didn’t believe I had a gay self, much less a kinky self and, as most others did and some still do, I resisted the urge. Over and over again I said “No” to the compulsion for cock, for man to man sex, for satisfaction of the lusts that burned inside my soul.

As much as I tried, I failed to stay faithful, monogamous, heterosexual. At the full of the moon, my body would rage, pushing me to find an adult bookstore, a gay bar, a guy who would satisfy and silence my libido.

I’ve changed a great deal since then and there is no longer any need for repression, no more guilt, and no more sneaking around. Haven’t even been in an adult bookstore in years.

For many, of course, the struggle still remains.

As you may have read, since November of 2010, I have been cruising hook-up sites as the “Dark Lord,” “Seeking those who wish to surrender without limit.”

My online profile continues: “Experienced Lord and Master seeks additional property. I seek to be obeyed and worshipped. My primary fetish is control which I exercise both sexually and sadistically. I have an exceptionally high libido and the primary objective of my search is to find men who will be used to satisfy my every sexual desire, without limit or hesitation. I seek to transform you into another toy for my pleasure and sexual gratification.”

Seventeen months later, more than 200 men have approached me, the vast majority of them going so far as to send me their phone numbers. I have learned much about these men and their desires and one of the most constant of their shared characteristics is the urge to surrender, to be under another’s control.

“Urge” is a good word to use, but there are many others: lust, desire, compulsion, obsession, craving, need, irresistible push. They share the feelings that this is their birth-need, their destiny, their inevitable fate. For them, as with my 37-year-old self of some 28 years ago, “Resistance is futile.”

Let me give three examples:

The first is from an experienced Gay man in California. He is noteworthy because, though we have had no real-time contact, he visits my profile regularly:

Sun 6 Nov 2011

DarkLordinChicago:   Back again, I see.

CalPig:  Yes Sir, like a fly to honey.

DarkLordinChicago: So fly to O'Hare and I'll take it from there

CalPig:  Yes Sir, on a future vacation.

Tuesday

DarkLordinChicago: Back again!

Wednesday

CalPig:  Yes Sir, thinking ...

DarkLordinChicago: Ah. Now all I need is thought in action

CalPig: Yes, indeed. Putting thought into action is always the challenge, isn't it? Chattel slavery is most extreme, and therefore I am drawn to the idea. In reality I know what is possible, and being drawn to Superior power is most attractive.

Friday

DarkLordinChicago: Drawn but afraid?

CalPig: Yes, strongly drawn and afraid Sir.

The “urge” fights against the fear. Over and over again those two emotions struggle within a person’s heart. “Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t,” my mother would say.

There are, I would think, many reasons for this being so. First off, the status quo is always more comfortable than any anticipated change.

Secondly, there is a great fear of the unknown. “What does this mean? How will this end? Am I crazy? How will this work? Can it work?” are all challenges to the idea of fulfilling one’s fantasies, especially the dark, taboo, and outside the “normal” ones.

There’s also a fear of failure, that this idea just can’t work.

Mostly, though, it is the unknown.

As ChicagoObject wrote: "Was just re-reading your 'contract' and it always makes me feel like I am being drawn to the edge of a precipice."

I know it is hardly credible to say so, but ChicagoObject and I have been negotiating for nearly all of the last17 months.

For him, there is no “sight” to the bottom of that precipice. He feels blind as to what could happen, anxious to pin me down to every detail, while fearing that there is more to it than he can handle, more than he can learn and more than he can sanely survive.

Still he relentlessly pursues me.

An applicant whom I’ll call NYsubmissive says the same: “I’ve had homo-erotic fantasies and desires since my preteen years. These are becoming more frequent and stronger with age to the point of occasionally being obsessive and even disrupting my daily routine.  

            I will admit that the idea of total objectification builds in my mind and drives me crazy for days on end, but then becomes too scary and unreasonable. When I give in to the temptation to jerk off, it leaves, then slowly builds again, etc...”

That is the typical pattern. It is an emotional roller coaster of desire and repression, of embracing the fantasy and then running from it.

I should warn you about my “pop psychology” but it seems to me that this urge is, in fact, a critical part of what Carl Jung calls the “individuation” process. The following quote is summarized from http://www.schuelers.com/ChaosPsyche/part_1_27.htm

“Jung calls the main task that we face during the second half of our life the individuation process, an open-ended process of psychological maturity. It is a process of maturation in which the psyche ages or matures in much the same manner as the physical body. The general guidelines are summarized  as consisting of four parts:

“1.  Becoming conscious of the shadow. The shadow is our dark side, containing those things that we have repressed or ignored for one reason or another. It usually manifests to us in dreams as an archetypal figure who is dark and ominous. Just as the persona [conscious self or ego] is that part of us that we want to present to the world, so the shadow contains those things that we want to hide from the world, and from ourselves. This dark side of ourselves must be confronted and accepted, at least in part, as the first step in the individuation process.

“2.  Becoming conscious of our feminine and masculine sides.  The individuation process is, above everything else, a process of wholeness. This includes sexual completeness.

“3.  Becoming conscious of the archetypal spirit. The individuation process is primarily one of uniting opposites. In the first step, we unite good and evil and try to see ourselves as capable of both. Eastern religions often symbolize this with the lotus, which has its roots below in the dirty mud and its flower in the clean air above. In the second, we see ourselves as containing both masculine and feminine characteristics. Now we must unite matter and spirit, form and formlessness, body and psyche.

“4.  Becoming conscious of the Self. Jung called this final step self-realization- “We could therefore translate individuation as “coming to selfhood” or “self-realization” (Jung, 1977, p. 173).

“Jung’s (1978) individuation is similar, if not identical, to the self-actualization of Maslow (1968; 1971).”

The ego, fearing its destruction, resists the process of individuation, not wanting to surrender its control over to the unconscious Self. This inner struggle is manifest in the urge/fear interplay that my candidates feel. Rather than being destroyed, the process is meant to align ego and Self in a harmonious and productive relationship. Rather than being simply an inner conflict, It is a reasonable manifestation of the maturation of the psyche, a process that leads to wholeness, to the living a more authentic life.

In this context authenticity implies that one surrenders to the Self within, eschews, in some way, the pressures of society to conform, and embraces one’s uniqueness and individuality. Did you think that all we did in our dungeons was “play.” Now you see why my Old Guard forebears called it “work.”

As I wrote to NYsubmissive: “The task is to discern whether the impulse is authentic to your inner self or merely a jerk off fantasy. Only you can tell for certain. Discussion and experimentation can give you clues and ideas to reflect on.”

BDSM, as we practice it, provides us with safe, sane, and consensual environment in which to explore the urges we feel. Jung would note that not all unconscious desires need be fully lived, that ritual and theater can provide the psyche with soul-satisfying experience without destruction.

It is this ability to “explore” and “experiment” that teaches us what is authentic about us, what should be accepted and included in our lives, and what is mere never-to-be-real fantasy.

A blog is hardly the place to explore Jungian psychology and the maturation of the psyche, but here we are, struggling to let that fantasy come out, afraid of what it means for our lives.

Have a great week. Jack

* * * * *

I am in the process of changing my delivery options. Please go to http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/mQyjG and sign up to receive my weekly email via my blog site.

You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2012 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

A Reflection on Love & Life

A recent string of emails on one of the sites I cruise started with this:

“Sir, I could live my life with your rules as long as it was for life. I would want to have nothing more than you as my Lord and Master.” As usual I checked the guy’s profile and found he already had a master so I wrote back: “So who is the man you now call master?”

“Sir,” he answered. “He is a master I love very much but I know I will never be more than a part-time slave to him. I am OK with that most of the time. Then there are times when I long to really belong and know my place with a master, one who will never let me forget my place in life. The problem is I have fallen in love with master and still want more, not just part-time slavery.”

I gave him my response: “I am certainly willing to consider enslaving you but only with the consent of your present master. I am not one to steal another's slave.”

And he replied “Thanks but it was stupid of me to think about it anyway. I care too much for my master. I was feeling pretty lonely and wanting more than just part time slavery. I am lucky to have what he gives me.”

There are several principles here that affect negotiations and our decisions as to how and what we negotiate. As I see it, they are holism, authenticity, honesty, the role of love, and the place of emotion in what it is that we do.

Holism

I am a strong advocate of moderation, balance, and centeredness. In order to maintain those qualities it’s important that we live holistic lives, which means that we need to  keep the many factors of our humanity in mind as we evaluate how we will act. Too often we make decisions based on one or two criteria, unfortunately being mindless about other factors that may be equally important, albeit neglected.

For instance we might decide to do something based on short-term benefits, neglecting the long-term impact of our decision.

Authenticity

There are many courses of action that are open to each of us. One of the most important and difficult ones is “To thine own self be true.” I say this because knowing oneself is not an easy proposition. It takes wisdom and maturity to know who and what we are. Both of those qualities, unfortunately, take time, and lots of it, often measured in years and in mistakes.

Yet true happiness, it seems to me, demands that we be authentic, i.e., faithful to the selfhood found in and defined by our most inner selves, our essential selves.

Honesty

Having found that self, we then must live that selfhood honestly. First, we must be honest with ourselves, neither denying who and what we are nor trying to be someone we are not.

That, too, is difficult because society, in all its facets, usually has other plans for us. My parents, for instance, expected me to be happily married until death parted my ex-wife and me. My brother expects that I should better support myself, perhaps by writing about a subject that would be more lucrative than kink. My Dad always wanted me to find a better job, even though writing and teaching satisfied my real self much more than any other careers I could imagine for myself.

We live in a world that accepts pretense, masks, and white lies. Honesty often bears the price of estrangement, ostracism, ridicule, and isolation.

The role of love

My friend quoted above (the emails are edited for clarity) speaks about love.

I need to take care here, since I am struck by his use of the term and by the idea that love is a poorly-used word. Is it love that he feels or is it infatuation? Are his feelings for his master honest? If so, then why does he feel “pretty lonely and wanting more?” Why doesn’t love bring him joy and satisfaction? If nothing else why does he tell me about his dis-satisfaction when he should speak to the one he loves about it?

Ah, there’s the rub. Can he not be honest with his master? Does the relationship lack authenticity in some way? Does he settle for second best because getting what he thinks he wants is unattainable or too difficult?

Of course, the infatuation may not be with the master but with the idea of slavery. Perhaps he fools himself into thinking that full-time slavery will solve his problems. I can’t answer any of these questions but each of has the responsibility to consider such kinds of questions when and if they arise in our lives.

The place of emotion

Lastly, as my friends know, I can be an emotional person. I feel things strongly and am quick to acknowledge the emotions that I feel. Emotions bring us a whole different set of values and ways to perceive what is happening. I strongly feel that the emotional aspect of our lives have much value and need to be recognized.

Still I have to return to the idea of holism. Too often we make decisions that reflect our feelings at the time. When our feelings change, we are then left with decisions that are no longer acceptable. I am certainly susceptible to that, as my feelings can easily put me on a real roller-coasting ride.

I have found that recognizing the emotions I feel at a given time helps me to put my current feelings into their proper perspective. It is a matter of having a dialogue with oneself about the feelings of the moment and recognizing that it is a feeling of the moment and therefore one that can well change in another moment.

One of the things I often suggest is that in time of critical decision-making we keep a journal and in it note our feelings about the topic under consideration on a daily basis. As we document those feelings over the course of a month or so we can then go back and review the highs and lows of those feelings and arrive at a more balanced knowledge of how we actually feel about a situation, rather than how we might feel about it in a given moment.

In conclusion

It’s important that we reflect upon our thoughts and feelings, especially as they affect our actions. In doing so our lives become more balanced, more authentic, and therefore more satisfying. In any case, this process is meant to create in our kinky lives the one characteristic that is most important: fun. If it’s not fun, then we need to charge of our decision-making process so that we get the results we will enjoy, not the second-rate ones we think we have to settle for.

Have a great week, that is one where your life is authentic and your face has a smile on it. Jack

You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

Journaling

            It's probably no surprise that I'm in favor of keeping a diary, since I can look back on nearly 20 years of writing and see how doing so has enhanced my life. I use the words journal and diary interchangeably and would agree with Webster's definition: "A personal record of occurrences, experiences, and reflections kept on a regular basis; a diary."

            That said, I have a diary near my bed. There I keep records of dreams and ideas particularly related to my spiritual or "inner" life. On my computer you will find numerous documents that collectively qualify as parts of my journal: my bogs, my manuscripts for books in progress, emails and transcribed text messages, and random writings.

            As many of you know, for the past year I have been seeking a man willing to become an "object" for my pleasure and service. I have kept rather complete records of my conversations with these men, essentially a diary of enthrallment. I also encourage my applicants to dairy about our conversations and meetings in order to better decide if we are a fit and to help them learn more about themselves.

            This just one of the many examples of what I do with diaries. I've come up with five reasons why I journal: Documentation, Remembrance, Long-term view, Reflection, Clarity, and Career.

Documentation.

            Without documenting events, thoughts, and feelings, they quickly fade out of view. Therefore keeping a record of them insures a kind of permanence that allows us to experience the rest of the benefits that I have listed here.

            The prime reason for keeping a journal is that it chronicles my feelings and thoughts on a given day so I that I can compare the feelings on given topic over the course of time. Very often our feelings determine our decisions. Since our feelings vary like the movement of a roller-coaster, keeping track of them over a period of time (such as a month) gives us a much more balanced and over-all view of how we really feel about a topic. It is, or can be, an important help in decision-making.

            Another benefit to journaling is that our thoughts are preserved for posterity. As I child I never learned what my grandfathers believed. In fact, even though I was often around my maternal grandfather and he taught me how to garden, we never talked about important matters. As for my Dad's father, I was in the middle of a pack of 17 grandchildren, hardly noticed and seldom spoken to. My collected journals, therefore, will be a way for my grandchildren and great-grandchildren to get to know me. That said, they won't read them until they're over 21 years of age.

Remembrance.

            I once heard that the best memory in the world can't keep track of things as well as writing in pencil on a piece of paper. Write it down and it may well last a lot longer than your brain. It is as simple as that. Unfortunately we can't reflect on a topic if we don't remember the details surrounding it. The written or typed word is among the most secure memory we have.

            You see, if you forget what was said, meant, intended or agreed upon, when it's written you can look it up. If not, you're out of luck.

Long-term view.

            Things change, sometimes for the better,  sometimes for the worse. In either case, when we are in the middle of an event it looks a great deal differently than when we look back on it at a later date. For example, I am quick to panic about my cash flow. When I remember that I have survived previous cash-flow debacles (and Patrick is quick to remind me of this) the immediate crisis pales greatly.

Reflection.

            One of the most human of activities is reflection: "Mental concentration; Careful consideration; To think seriously; To express seriously considered thoughts." I will admit that we may not actually do much of it, but it is an important part of good decision making. Not only that, but reflection is the best path to wisdom. That, in itself, is the best reason to journal, since reflecting is a very important part of the journaling process.

            Please note the last paragraph carefully. Though diaries hold the memory of events and thoughts, their most important usage is as a way to foster, encourage, and preserve reflections. I find that the value of a journal is not in the moment that a passage is written but rather in the cumulative fact of reflections written of the course of time. The journal becomes an important dialogue with oneself, leading to increaed self-knowledge.

Clarity.

            That, then, brings me to another result of a good journal: clarity. What we write over the course of months speaks loudly to us about our true feelings, the real facts, and ways to resolve all sorts of issues.

            In order for this to work, we have to use a dairy as an aid to our thought process, such as by creating lists of pros and cons or keeping quotes that are meaningful to us.

Career

            Now you're liable to think that since you're not a writer, keeping a journal has nothing to do with your job. Well, think again, as everyone has to write something at some time or another. Writing itself will make you a better writer, since practice makes perfect. Of course it helps if someone reads what you write once in a while and gives you constructive criticism to help you improve.

So What does it entail?

            Journaling is a lot easier to do than we usually think. All you have to is keep at it at a regular pace. I often suggest writing about 100 words, four or five times a week. Got nothing to write about? Then comment on the weather or the news. Write about what's happened in your life, or how you feel today, or what you've dreamt or wished for. Write about your hopes and fears.

            Don't edit yourself while you are writing. Leave that for later. Just writing anything is better than not writing at all. Use pen and paper or a word processing program. Keep at it. Even if you stop for a while, then go back to it later. Something is better than nothing.

            Here are two websites for help and ideas: http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2007/07/journaling/ and http://stress.about.com/od/generaltechniques/p/profilejournal.htm.

Good luck and have a great week. Jack

* * * * *

            My new novel, The Dionysian Alliance, is getting noticed. Here is a link to Erotic Awaking, a pod cast by Dan and Dawn. If you don't want to hear the spanking part (it is good) then  fast forward to the 39 minute spot on the slider: http://www.erotiwakening.com/archive/ea166-a-spanking-a-spanking/ . There you will find an interview they did with me about the book.

            A reader sent me this mini-review: "Hi Jack -- To let you know I just completed reading The Dionysian Alliance. Enjoyed it very much. I liked the clear development of characters, the visual descriptions of the locations, and the nice anticipatory flow of the story. It's pretty evident you did a lot of research to produce it, and soul-searching as to how to blend the book's many elements and themes. Thanks for a great read. -- Jerry in Taos NM"

            Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to make a purchase at http://www.LeatherViews.com.

            You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

How Does One Begin?

Thirty years ago, people who were curious about kink, generally speaking, had two avenues in which to find similarly-minded players: bars and classified ads.

So it was that, with my pocket-sized Damron guide I searched out gay bars whose clientele were called "Leathermen." One could also look for the euphemism of "Levi." It was there that, if you were brave enough to go through the somewhat foreboding and often un-marked door, you could meet men into "rough sex" aka "S&M."

BDSM had not yet entered the common parlance of the kinky world. In fact, neither had the word kinky.

Or I would pick up a copy of Drummer Magazine at some sleazy adult book store and answer the personal ads in its classified section. Each response that I mailed cost one dollar and I limited myself to $20's worth of mail per issue. The return on my investment was less than ten per cent but I did manage to hook up with a few guys now and then.

Mostly, though, I met my partners in Leather bars. One by one they gave me the experiences I needed to become who I am today.

Experience, according to the dictionary, is "1 a: direct observation of or participation in events as a basis of knowledge, b: the fact or state of having been affected by or gained knowledge through direct observation or participation; 2 a: practical knowledge, skill, or practice derived from direct observation of or participation in events or in a particular activity."

In the "good old days" of the early eighties there were few books one could read about our lifestyle, only a very scant and hard-to-find number of seminars, and private clubs were by invitation only. Invites weren't easy to get because you had to know someone who would vouch for you.

That left the personal ads and the bars as the only practical entry-way into the world of "what it is that we do."

Even that phrase typifies the elusive nature of the BDSM subculture of the day. We spoke a code-filled jargon, not openly naming people, places, clubs or activities until we knew that the person with whom we are speaking was "safe," not safe as in "safe to play with" but as in "safe to share this knowledge with."

Today, of course, there are all sorts of information sources as nearby as a Google search on the letters BDSM. The same kind of search on Amazon.com will reveal hundreds of books on the subject, and on XTube.com there is an incredible variety of SM-filled videos. Yes, over the years, the "&" has disappeared. Everything changes, even the jargon.

There are two quotes from Oscar Wilde that put the term "experience" into its proper light. The first is " Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes." The second, "Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught."

I'm sorry to say that you've got to get experience. Doing so, I admit, is not without risk, since as Mr. Wilde points out, it is most likely that the best learning experiences are those where we fail. Fear of failure is probably the number one reason that we don't learn. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained," Mom would say, though she probably wasn't thinking about my venturing into gay Leather bars when she told me that.

So today we find our subculture inundated with "newbies," men and women with no practical knowledge of our subculture, who think that what they've read in some chat room makes then one of us.

Others, to be fair, shrink from us because they have no experience. It is a circular and self-defeating argument. "I won't do that because I have no experience," they think to themselves and therefore they get no experience.

Another argument is "I won't play with you because I don’t have enough experience" or "I won't play with you because you have too much experience." Believe me, I've heard that last quote too often for it not to be etched in my memory. Why newbies prefer to play with people with little experience is way beyond me.

But what do I know? I was risky enough to walk into dingy, dark, hard-to-find bars that reeked of beer, sweat and semen. And trick by trick I got experience until one day while on a business trip in Corpus Christi, the bartender at a place called "The Green Door" called me a "Leatherman." It was a memorable rite of passage, even if I hadn't yet morphed into Jack Rinella.

Contrary to some thinking, getting experience need not be that risky. It is not an all-or-nothing proposition nor does it involve whole-hog activities. Start slowly. Do research. Ask questions. Check references. Read books. Take it at your own pace, one step at a time.

And reflect of the experience. What did you like about it? What didn't you like? What have you learned? What new questions has the experience given you?

Though there is a lot of talk in our educational circles about mentoring, it is still a hard to come by that resource. That said, my education was at the hands of many mentors. Each trick became a mentor for the night, each scene a class in the school of lower education.

Yes, there are predators but it only takes common sense and the smarts to ask for and check references to ferret them out. Remember, if they sound that good to you tonight, they'll still sound that good the next time you meet them, so there is no need to rush in.

I remember the confusion, ambivalence, and fear I felt the first time I stood outside of Lafitte's In Exile (in the French Quarter of New Orleans), the rankest, raunchiest bar I ever entered. But my heart wanted S&M and I figured I could always just run out the door if I had to. It wasn't a matter of quick entry and quick learning. It was a matter of quiet observation, scouting out the place and people, listening more than talking, and when I did talk, I asked lots of questions.

Then, as now, men and women of experience were pleased to teach me what my heart wanted to know. All I had to do was stop being afraid to ask.

Have a great week. Jack

* * * * *

Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to make a purchase.

You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

Are You Ready?

            I began slave hunting when I read John Preston's novel, Mr. Benson, in 1984. Since then I have met many applicants but only one (Patrick) has actually become my slave. A few moved in to try it out but they didn't last more than a few months.

            I met Patrick through an ad that my friend Bobby wrote for me. It began with the words "Are you ready?" Patrick was.

            Now I respect a person's decision that he or she isn't ready and understand that there are often circumstances that prohibit doing (or getting) what one wants to do. Family, real estate, employment, health and education may all rightly take precedent over less pressing goals. (But see the disclaimer below about priorities.)

            That said, what does the word ready really mean? My trusty dictionary tells me that it means "1. a : prepared mentally or physically for some experience or action; b : prepared for immediate use <dinner is ready>; 2 a : willingly disposed : inclined <ready to agree to his proposal>; b : likely to do something indicated <a house that looks ready to collapse>; 3 : displayed readily and spontaneously <a ready wit>; 4 : immediately available <had ready cash>"

            I bring the topic up because I am struggling with the idea that Chicago object (who I've been negotiating for more than a year) says he's "not ready" to commit himself to some kind of action leading toward enslavement. I ask him what would make him ready and get no answer. I tell him to make a plan as to how he could become ready and am greeted with the same silence.

            Patrick was in a unique position when I met him in 1996. He had sold his home, quit his job, and disposed of most of his possessions in order to move in with another master. Since he had done so, when that relationship proved untenable he contacted me and within six weeks he had moved in with me.

            Most of us don't have to do all of that to be ready, as there are usually intermediate steps that we can take that don't demand such a level of preparation. We can visit for a weekend, take a week's vacation to try something out, simply just meet for coffee, play at party, or experiment and explore without making any commitment at all.

            I am, after all, a strong proponent of making life-changing decisions rather slowly. Becoming ready takes time and effort in a variety of areas. As you can see, the dictionary points out several aspects of ready: physical, emotional, willingly, and likely.

            I have concluded that there are three ways to approach readiness:

            First is to have knowledge of what we seek. Neither mere curiosity nor unproven desires are enough. They might encourage us to explore the fantasy through reading, questioning, observation, and short, non-committal experiences, but they don't make us ready.

            Hopes, desires and fantasies that demand greater commitment ought to be founded on a broader and more thorough knowledge of what we seek. The lack of this knowledge, it seems to me, is the reason that seekers so often seem to be flakey in pursuing their fantasies. Not only do they not know what they really want, they often hold false beliefs about it.

            A guy, for instance, who is interested in experiencing a whipping, may think that it always entails blood. Most whippings, of course, are completely bloodless, yet that fear may hold him back from exploring his fantasy.

            Second, I believe that "readiness" exhibits a willingness to apply a certain amount of "work" to getting what you want. Unfortunately most things don't come as easily as we'd like and many life goals are in that category. Think, for instance, of what it takes to become a doctor, buy a home, or raise children.

            Why do we act as if finding a partner, becoming an expert at impact play, or having a  fine group of reliable friends is any different?

            Thirdly, and here is probably the most difficult thing about accomplishing one's goals, we have to accept a certain amount of risk if we are going to be successful in our search. As mom would say "Nothing ventured; nothing gained."

            If we are looking to attain what we want without putting aside some of our fear and being willing to experiment and explore, we will never be ready. The very words "explore" and "experiment" entail uncertainty. Doubt about an outcome is a cruel fact of life and no amount of preparation is ever going to completely eliminate it.

            I'm not suggesting that one goes off "half-cocked" at the drop of a hat. I am only pointing out that being ready doesn't have a 100% guarantee to it. As far as I can tell, the only fact of life that is guaranteed is death, though the fact that the sun will come up tomorrow is fairly reliable as well, though it may be "up" behind some pretty serious clouds.

            Too often we live in fear of failure. I certainly don't enjoy failing but since I am an expert in doing so, I can tell you that there can be hidden value in doing so. To fail gives us an excellent opportunity to learn, to correct our mistakes, change our methods and come to success.

            You don't have to take my word for it. Here are several quotes from Thomas Edison (taken from http://quotations.about.com/od/stillmorefamouspeople/a/ThomasEdison3.htm):

            "I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward."

            "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

            "Many of life's failures are men who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."

            "Nearly every man who develops an idea works at it up to the point where it looks impossible, and then gets discouraged. That's not the place to become discouraged."

            "Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."

            [Side note to Chicago object: "Opportunity is missed because it looks like sacrifice."]

            The last idea I have about being ready has to do with setting one's priorities. I think it's a simple fact that if something has a low priority, we're not going to be very ready (if at all) to do it. Sure the word "ready" takes a transitive verb, i.e., "I am ready," but what that doesn't reveal is that we must become ready. If it's not some kind of higher priority for us it will always take second place to something more important. It is that sense of priority that spurs us to prepare ourselves, to become ready.

            "Ready" doesn't happen all by itself. In most cases it takes work and usually lots of it. That's why I asked Chicago object what his plan is for being ready.

            Now if you think that being ready is just some kind of feeling, then I suppose you might wake up some day and be ready, but I would counter that a ready "feeling" is not the only part of actual readiness in matters that really matter. Feelings count but other factors such as reasonableness, possibility and past experiences count as well, if not more.

            In other words if what you seek has any kind of priority to you, then you're going to have to work on being ready. I wish I could wave some magic wand and make everyone ready, but I can't. Until then I'm going to continue to work at my being ready. Some things, after all, are important to me.

            Have a great week. Jack

* * * * *

Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website at www.LeatherViews.com to make a purchase.

You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

What's the difference?

After more than a year of emails, texts, phone calls, and occasional meetings, Chicago object and I are still negotiating. The primary thing we have in common is our persistence in trying to develop a relationship.

I recently wrote an email to him, mostly concluding that "On the other hand, I may have skewed the conversation into the wrong direction. Perhaps it would be better to forego the idea of being an 'object' and instead focus on 'intense slavery, chattel slavery,' or some other variation on that theme."

To which he replied, "So what is the difference for you in 'chattel slavery' and objectification?"

My conclusion was prompted by the strong possibility that no one could or would live as an object. Chattel slavery, strictly defined, is illegal and immoral. Perhaps what we are really discussing is some kind of intense, on-going domination. What then are the differences?

It really amounts to a discussion of the nature of intimate human relationships, be they parental, spousal, sexual, or familial. For our usage, a dominant-submissive relationship can be considered both human and intimate, since intimacy also comes in many non-sexual varieties. So let me expand my thinking far beyond objectification or even slavery. Let me just talk about relationships.

It seems to me that consensual, intimate, and human relationships have certain qualities in common, in spite of the fact that we often ignore them. I would list them as: Mutually defined; On a continuum; Fundamentally human; Necessarily meeting one's needs; Unique; and Highly changeable.

When I discuss these relationships, I am purposefully excluding those that are dysfunctional, for whatever reason. Of course I do so at some risk, since most relationships probably have some (even though minor) kind of dysfunctionality.

So let me start.

Though many relationships have much in common, I'm going to venture that every relationship is unique. No two children are treated the same way by their parents, no two marriages are exact copies of each other, no two best friends are best in the same way.

I say that because we often think that there is some (even one) way that a relationship ought to be. Though we can certainly expect certain characteristics to be "given," there is still a wide variety of possibilities available in each and every one of them.

That then leads me to an axiom that I have held since the very earliest days of my writing career: Every relationship is defined by the two people in it. I say that with the understanding that even non-negotiated, non-intentional, and irrational relationships exist because the couples in them consent to the relationship, creating it by their interaction with one another. That applies even if their consent is simply by default, by inertia, or their inability to change.

The definition of the relationship is mutually arrived at, even if it doesn't seen that way. If it's not mutual, then it falls into the class of being dysfunctional. OK, I admit that "mutual" includes "agreed upon by default."

By the way, I would also say that agreement by default is probably a very common occurrence as too often we don't give enough (or even any) thought to the multitude of factors that create a relationship. I remember, for instance, that on the first day of our honeymoon, my wife was startled to find that she had married a man who squeezed the toothpaste at the wrong end of the tube. Oops, we had forgot to negotiate that. 

And yes, I am guilty. Even to this day I still squeeze the tube near the cap.

It may seem strange that I write about toothpaste in a column on kinky sex, but fundamentally all our relationships are human. Too often we ignore the "human side" of what we do. No matter what your fetish might be or how kinky you want to live, it still boils down to the fact that some 95% of what is going to happen is simply going to be what happens in any and all human relationships. Putting on the black skins of dead cows (or whatever fetish gear you wear) doesn't remove the foibles, faults, and idiosyncrasies that we all share.

In order to begin a relationship and then to keep it alive, it has to meeting your (plural) needs. I know that some would deny that, i.e., masters who think it's all about them and bottoms who protest that they only want to serve. Honestly though, if you're not happy in a relationship, it will sooner or later end.

All that, then, is to answer the question "What's the difference?" The difference isn't as well-defined as you would hope. Relationships exist on a continuum, "A continuous sequence in which adjacent elements are not perceptibly different from each other, although the extremes are quite distinct." Think about a rainbow. We know there are seven colors in a rainbow and we can see each of them. What we can't see is where one color ends and the next one begins. They just blend from one into the next.

So for instance, there are "slave relationships" with strict authoritarian masters and others with daddy-like easy-going ones. Between those two poles are innumerable variations in style, domination, surrender, protocols, and fetishes. "Each to its own," my mom used to say.

In this example, the difference is one of intensity, in other words, "management style." That's why we negotiate. Until we both know the expectations, the limits, and the rules of engagement, we really don't know what we are getting into. I can tell you I'm a master but until I tell you what I mean by the word, it really is an empty concept.

That may be the problem with the idea of becoming an "object." Does it mean that you're going to act like a lamp for the rest of your life or does it mean that you will be treated as an animal, with no regard for your feelings, that your life will be simply one of utilization as your owner's work horse?

Continuum? Do you eat food off the floor? Or eat food in a dish on the floor? Or eat food in a dish in the kitchen? Or eat food in a dish on the floor of the dining room? Or eat food at the dining room table with the rest of the household? Of maybe you're just kept in a cage all the time and food (on a plate or not) is served to you in the cage? Each is a different way of eating and has a different degree of humiliation.

My experience with all of this is rather illuminating. When Patrick moved in with me to be my slave nearly 17 years ago, I gave him a list of rules. Within a month of having done so, it's safe to say that most of the rules had been thrown out the door. I had this grand notion, for instance, that he would balance my checkbook. Boy was I misinformed. Some things are just not to be.

That food in the cage idea is one of them. I had a friend who kept his slave in a dog cage for four days. At the end of that time, the poor guy was both numb and sore and he had lost feeling in his hands and feet. It all came back in a few days so there was no long-term problem, but it just goes to show that as much as we might want to define a relationship in a given way, we still have to include the human factor.

And that human factor means that everything is changeable. Our relationships evolve and mature daily, even if the movement is imperceptible. No matter how it starts and how you define it, it's going to be different sometime along the way.

None of the above, of course, really answers Chicago object's question. The best way for him, or any of us for that matter, to know what it will be like is to try it, to let it grow and evolve naturally, roll with the punches and enjoy it as much and as long as we can.

Recognize that relationships aren't cut in stone, they are lived in real flesh in real time. Experiencing as much of it as you can is the best way, in fact the only way, to know what it will be like and from there to fashion it into one that you meet both your needs.

Have a great week. Jack

* * * * *

Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to make a purchase.

You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.