Saturday, December 31, 2011

Are You Ready?

            I began slave hunting when I read John Preston's novel, Mr. Benson, in 1984. Since then I have met many applicants but only one (Patrick) has actually become my slave. A few moved in to try it out but they didn't last more than a few months.

            I met Patrick through an ad that my friend Bobby wrote for me. It began with the words "Are you ready?" Patrick was.

            Now I respect a person's decision that he or she isn't ready and understand that there are often circumstances that prohibit doing (or getting) what one wants to do. Family, real estate, employment, health and education may all rightly take precedent over less pressing goals. (But see the disclaimer below about priorities.)

            That said, what does the word ready really mean? My trusty dictionary tells me that it means "1. a : prepared mentally or physically for some experience or action; b : prepared for immediate use <dinner is ready>; 2 a : willingly disposed : inclined <ready to agree to his proposal>; b : likely to do something indicated <a house that looks ready to collapse>; 3 : displayed readily and spontaneously <a ready wit>; 4 : immediately available <had ready cash>"

            I bring the topic up because I am struggling with the idea that Chicago object (who I've been negotiating for more than a year) says he's "not ready" to commit himself to some kind of action leading toward enslavement. I ask him what would make him ready and get no answer. I tell him to make a plan as to how he could become ready and am greeted with the same silence.

            Patrick was in a unique position when I met him in 1996. He had sold his home, quit his job, and disposed of most of his possessions in order to move in with another master. Since he had done so, when that relationship proved untenable he contacted me and within six weeks he had moved in with me.

            Most of us don't have to do all of that to be ready, as there are usually intermediate steps that we can take that don't demand such a level of preparation. We can visit for a weekend, take a week's vacation to try something out, simply just meet for coffee, play at party, or experiment and explore without making any commitment at all.

            I am, after all, a strong proponent of making life-changing decisions rather slowly. Becoming ready takes time and effort in a variety of areas. As you can see, the dictionary points out several aspects of ready: physical, emotional, willingly, and likely.

            I have concluded that there are three ways to approach readiness:

            First is to have knowledge of what we seek. Neither mere curiosity nor unproven desires are enough. They might encourage us to explore the fantasy through reading, questioning, observation, and short, non-committal experiences, but they don't make us ready.

            Hopes, desires and fantasies that demand greater commitment ought to be founded on a broader and more thorough knowledge of what we seek. The lack of this knowledge, it seems to me, is the reason that seekers so often seem to be flakey in pursuing their fantasies. Not only do they not know what they really want, they often hold false beliefs about it.

            A guy, for instance, who is interested in experiencing a whipping, may think that it always entails blood. Most whippings, of course, are completely bloodless, yet that fear may hold him back from exploring his fantasy.

            Second, I believe that "readiness" exhibits a willingness to apply a certain amount of "work" to getting what you want. Unfortunately most things don't come as easily as we'd like and many life goals are in that category. Think, for instance, of what it takes to become a doctor, buy a home, or raise children.

            Why do we act as if finding a partner, becoming an expert at impact play, or having a  fine group of reliable friends is any different?

            Thirdly, and here is probably the most difficult thing about accomplishing one's goals, we have to accept a certain amount of risk if we are going to be successful in our search. As mom would say "Nothing ventured; nothing gained."

            If we are looking to attain what we want without putting aside some of our fear and being willing to experiment and explore, we will never be ready. The very words "explore" and "experiment" entail uncertainty. Doubt about an outcome is a cruel fact of life and no amount of preparation is ever going to completely eliminate it.

            I'm not suggesting that one goes off "half-cocked" at the drop of a hat. I am only pointing out that being ready doesn't have a 100% guarantee to it. As far as I can tell, the only fact of life that is guaranteed is death, though the fact that the sun will come up tomorrow is fairly reliable as well, though it may be "up" behind some pretty serious clouds.

            Too often we live in fear of failure. I certainly don't enjoy failing but since I am an expert in doing so, I can tell you that there can be hidden value in doing so. To fail gives us an excellent opportunity to learn, to correct our mistakes, change our methods and come to success.

            You don't have to take my word for it. Here are several quotes from Thomas Edison (taken from

            "I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward."

            "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

            "Many of life's failures are men who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."

            "Nearly every man who develops an idea works at it up to the point where it looks impossible, and then gets discouraged. That's not the place to become discouraged."

            "Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."

            [Side note to Chicago object: "Opportunity is missed because it looks like sacrifice."]

            The last idea I have about being ready has to do with setting one's priorities. I think it's a simple fact that if something has a low priority, we're not going to be very ready (if at all) to do it. Sure the word "ready" takes a transitive verb, i.e., "I am ready," but what that doesn't reveal is that we must become ready. If it's not some kind of higher priority for us it will always take second place to something more important. It is that sense of priority that spurs us to prepare ourselves, to become ready.

            "Ready" doesn't happen all by itself. In most cases it takes work and usually lots of it. That's why I asked Chicago object what his plan is for being ready.

            Now if you think that being ready is just some kind of feeling, then I suppose you might wake up some day and be ready, but I would counter that a ready "feeling" is not the only part of actual readiness in matters that really matter. Feelings count but other factors such as reasonableness, possibility and past experiences count as well, if not more.

            In other words if what you seek has any kind of priority to you, then you're going to have to work on being ready. I wish I could wave some magic wand and make everyone ready, but I can't. Until then I'm going to continue to work at my being ready. Some things, after all, are important to me.

            Have a great week. Jack

* * * * *

Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website at to make a purchase.

You can send me email at or visit my website at You can also subscribe to my blog at Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

Monday, December 26, 2011

What's the difference?

After more than a year of emails, texts, phone calls, and occasional meetings, Chicago object and I are still negotiating. The primary thing we have in common is our persistence in trying to develop a relationship.

I recently wrote an email to him, mostly concluding that "On the other hand, I may have skewed the conversation into the wrong direction. Perhaps it would be better to forego the idea of being an 'object' and instead focus on 'intense slavery, chattel slavery,' or some other variation on that theme."

To which he replied, "So what is the difference for you in 'chattel slavery' and objectification?"

My conclusion was prompted by the strong possibility that no one could or would live as an object. Chattel slavery, strictly defined, is illegal and immoral. Perhaps what we are really discussing is some kind of intense, on-going domination. What then are the differences?

It really amounts to a discussion of the nature of intimate human relationships, be they parental, spousal, sexual, or familial. For our usage, a dominant-submissive relationship can be considered both human and intimate, since intimacy also comes in many non-sexual varieties. So let me expand my thinking far beyond objectification or even slavery. Let me just talk about relationships.

It seems to me that consensual, intimate, and human relationships have certain qualities in common, in spite of the fact that we often ignore them. I would list them as: Mutually defined; On a continuum; Fundamentally human; Necessarily meeting one's needs; Unique; and Highly changeable.

When I discuss these relationships, I am purposefully excluding those that are dysfunctional, for whatever reason. Of course I do so at some risk, since most relationships probably have some (even though minor) kind of dysfunctionality.

So let me start.

Though many relationships have much in common, I'm going to venture that every relationship is unique. No two children are treated the same way by their parents, no two marriages are exact copies of each other, no two best friends are best in the same way.

I say that because we often think that there is some (even one) way that a relationship ought to be. Though we can certainly expect certain characteristics to be "given," there is still a wide variety of possibilities available in each and every one of them.

That then leads me to an axiom that I have held since the very earliest days of my writing career: Every relationship is defined by the two people in it. I say that with the understanding that even non-negotiated, non-intentional, and irrational relationships exist because the couples in them consent to the relationship, creating it by their interaction with one another. That applies even if their consent is simply by default, by inertia, or their inability to change.

The definition of the relationship is mutually arrived at, even if it doesn't seen that way. If it's not mutual, then it falls into the class of being dysfunctional. OK, I admit that "mutual" includes "agreed upon by default."

By the way, I would also say that agreement by default is probably a very common occurrence as too often we don't give enough (or even any) thought to the multitude of factors that create a relationship. I remember, for instance, that on the first day of our honeymoon, my wife was startled to find that she had married a man who squeezed the toothpaste at the wrong end of the tube. Oops, we had forgot to negotiate that. 

And yes, I am guilty. Even to this day I still squeeze the tube near the cap.

It may seem strange that I write about toothpaste in a column on kinky sex, but fundamentally all our relationships are human. Too often we ignore the "human side" of what we do. No matter what your fetish might be or how kinky you want to live, it still boils down to the fact that some 95% of what is going to happen is simply going to be what happens in any and all human relationships. Putting on the black skins of dead cows (or whatever fetish gear you wear) doesn't remove the foibles, faults, and idiosyncrasies that we all share.

In order to begin a relationship and then to keep it alive, it has to meeting your (plural) needs. I know that some would deny that, i.e., masters who think it's all about them and bottoms who protest that they only want to serve. Honestly though, if you're not happy in a relationship, it will sooner or later end.

All that, then, is to answer the question "What's the difference?" The difference isn't as well-defined as you would hope. Relationships exist on a continuum, "A continuous sequence in which adjacent elements are not perceptibly different from each other, although the extremes are quite distinct." Think about a rainbow. We know there are seven colors in a rainbow and we can see each of them. What we can't see is where one color ends and the next one begins. They just blend from one into the next.

So for instance, there are "slave relationships" with strict authoritarian masters and others with daddy-like easy-going ones. Between those two poles are innumerable variations in style, domination, surrender, protocols, and fetishes. "Each to its own," my mom used to say.

In this example, the difference is one of intensity, in other words, "management style." That's why we negotiate. Until we both know the expectations, the limits, and the rules of engagement, we really don't know what we are getting into. I can tell you I'm a master but until I tell you what I mean by the word, it really is an empty concept.

That may be the problem with the idea of becoming an "object." Does it mean that you're going to act like a lamp for the rest of your life or does it mean that you will be treated as an animal, with no regard for your feelings, that your life will be simply one of utilization as your owner's work horse?

Continuum? Do you eat food off the floor? Or eat food in a dish on the floor? Or eat food in a dish in the kitchen? Or eat food in a dish on the floor of the dining room? Or eat food at the dining room table with the rest of the household? Of maybe you're just kept in a cage all the time and food (on a plate or not) is served to you in the cage? Each is a different way of eating and has a different degree of humiliation.

My experience with all of this is rather illuminating. When Patrick moved in with me to be my slave nearly 17 years ago, I gave him a list of rules. Within a month of having done so, it's safe to say that most of the rules had been thrown out the door. I had this grand notion, for instance, that he would balance my checkbook. Boy was I misinformed. Some things are just not to be.

That food in the cage idea is one of them. I had a friend who kept his slave in a dog cage for four days. At the end of that time, the poor guy was both numb and sore and he had lost feeling in his hands and feet. It all came back in a few days so there was no long-term problem, but it just goes to show that as much as we might want to define a relationship in a given way, we still have to include the human factor.

And that human factor means that everything is changeable. Our relationships evolve and mature daily, even if the movement is imperceptible. No matter how it starts and how you define it, it's going to be different sometime along the way.

None of the above, of course, really answers Chicago object's question. The best way for him, or any of us for that matter, to know what it will be like is to try it, to let it grow and evolve naturally, roll with the punches and enjoy it as much and as long as we can.

Recognize that relationships aren't cut in stone, they are lived in real flesh in real time. Experiencing as much of it as you can is the best way, in fact the only way, to know what it will be like and from there to fashion it into one that you meet both your needs.

Have a great week. Jack

* * * * *

Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to make a purchase.

You can send me email at or visit my website at You can also subscribe to my blog at Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

How to Shoot Yourself in the Foot

You'd think that I would have learned by now, but part of me is repeatedly surprised by people who are seeking sex, either casual or committed, and who act to their own disadvantage.

I'm not sure whether it's a case of being stupid, uninformed, manner-less or clueless. When I ask such non-performers why they did something, it is usually with the answer that they are "shy."

Yes, they are shy of common sense, native intelligence, important information or manners. Really, you know, everything you need to know about getting laid, married, fucked, or whatever you're seeking you were, as they say, taught in kindergarten. You probably let the teacher's voice go in one ear and out the other.

As you can tell from the title of this blog, the person you (mostly) hurt is yourself. Your flaky, faulty, thoughtless actions only injure yourself and perpetuate the state you wish to end, be it loneliness, horniness, or single-hood.

OK – Disclaimer time: Maybe this doesn't apply to. If it doesn't that's great. In that case, if you want to learn how to shoot yourself in the foot, do some (or all) of the following:

Don't communicate.

Seriously now. Let your discretion, fear, shyness, guilt or embarrassment stop you from passing on helpful, interesting, necessary, alluring or enticing information. The less your prospective partner knows about you, the better are the chances he or she won't bother you any longer.

Give false information.

Really. The truth won't help in a relationship and if you think the truth won't get "out" then you are setting yourself for failure. That's what you want isn't it?

Forget who's watching.

You're right about talk. No one cares if you can "walk the walk." When you say one thing and do another no one's going to notice. By the way, if your prospect is hypocritical as well, ignore the hypocrisy. After all you certainly don't want to succeed, do you?

Don't keep your word.

If you say you'll do something, like call or meet or send a picture, you don't really have to, since no one is watching. No one cares if you're a no show or don't return calls. They'll just think you're a flake and you will therefore fail.

Fail to show up.

OK, this is a repeat. But I can tell you from vast experience that not showing up when you say you will is really a good way to avoid relationships, tricks, sex, and success. By the way, whatever you do, if you're not going to show up, never call the other person to warn them. Let your inaction tell them what kind of jerk you are.

Confuse discretion with deception.

The closet, after all, is really the safest place to be. We all understand that cheaters, liars, fakes and flakes have to be discreet.

Underestimate your friends.

Your friends don't really want to know the real you, so be careful not to tell them the important things in your heart. You're right to think that sharing fantasies, hopes, and desires is something that will end their friendship with you. A frivolous friendship is much better than a real one.

Live in fear.

It really is better for you.

Don't make plans or time.

Making plans is dangerous because then you'll have to do something. In the same vein, setting aside time to reach your goals is no way to guarantee failure. We do agree, don't we, that sexual fulfillment of any kind is a very low priority, as are relationships and true friendships. Face it: your desires aren't worth making time for either.

Compromise your ethics, your ideals, or your dreams.

Only by compromising will you ensure that you'll never get what you truly want. It is as simple as that.

Ignore your faults.

This is the most important activity. After all, the one certain thing is that the world and everyone in it is wrong, not you.

Have a great week, even if it is all by yourself. Jack

* * * * *

Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to make a purchase.

You can send me email at or visit my website at You can also subscribe to my blog at Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

The Cheating Trick

It's the day before he's planning on coming over for sex. I'll call him Jeff, since I don't even know his real name. I do know that he is 26, has had multiple BDSM experiences with men, lives with his fiancée of three years, and his marriage date is about two months away.

I met him about a year ago, when he came over for sex. As per my usual practice, when he arrived we sat in the living room to talk about what might transpire between us. For some reason we hadn't talked very much on the phone, which is my preferable way to begin negotiations. When I asked him if he was single, he admitted to living with his girlfriend.

We spoke about that for a while and I gave him my standard spiel: "Cheating is a slippery slope. You think you can get this gay thing out of your system or that you can cheat forever without being caught, but that's not going to happen."

I wrote about this topic many years ago. It was a difficult essay and the difficulty has not gone away. Tricking under these circumstances is participating in a lie, is being hypocritical, and contributes to the likely trauma of an unfortunate and difficult breakup.

I've been there. Late in 1973 at the age of 27, I discovered my attraction to men. For the next ten years, I struggled with my homosexuality, denying and repressing my feelings until, usually during a full moon, I could no longer do so. It was on those nights that I snuck away to an adult bookstore or a gay bar, had a quick sexual encounter and, full of guilt, went home to my family.

It was a slippery slope. In the early years I cheated only sporadically, in fact rarely, but over time the lure of male flesh grew stronger and stronger, my infidelity increased, and deception wove an ever-stronger web. By 1980 or so, my wife and I were in counseling and the struggle to admit my real self began in earnest. It was no easy journey.

I lived in dread of losing everything and in some ways, for some time, I almost did. 28 years after our divorce, the wounds are healed (I think), my ex-wife happily married, my children accepting of my life, and there is no need for deception. The happy ending, though, masks much heartache and many tears. Believe me, death is easier to cope with than divorce, especially when there are two young children involved.

When Jeff contacted me last week about meeting, I knew that we had met before but I didn't remember the circumstances. This time, though, we were able to have a discussion on the phone and he reminded me of the last meeting, where he had left after my lecture about his girlfriend.

A year later his desires continue. "Why me?" I asked.

"Because I think you have the experience to make me go through with it," he replied.

In each of his past encounters he has come to a point in the scene where he abruptly left, unable to cope with the intensity of the BDSM. Now he hopes that I won't stop the flogging or the beating, the pain or the sex, that I will give him a "no escape" experience.

I can't help but think of myself in his position. Of course, I never met a person like me when I was going through this process. One or two guys suggested I stop cheating and be faithful to my wife, another told me I needed a gay therapist, but by and large it was silent and anonymous sex.

I tried everything except "Ex-gay Therapy," including confession, repentance, and exorcism. After all, while I was cheating I was pastor of a conservative, Bible-believing church. None of it worked (and doesn't). The more I promised myself "Never again," the more frequently I broke my word.

OK, enough about me. What about Jeff?

Do I tell him to forget me? Do I urge him to come out? Do I say "Cancel the wedding plans and find a counselor to help you fix this mess?"

You know, don't you, that I'm not only writing about Jeff. We live in a world of hypocrites (and yes you can include me).

I have no answer to eliminating hypocrisy. It is everywhere: in politics, in churches, in sex, in munches, in paying taxes and in neighborhood taverns, local schools, in public dungeons and private affairs.

Likewise I will admit that Jesus condemned hypocrisy much more often than homosexuality. In the four gospels (King James Version) the word hypocrisy and its derivatives appear 24 times. The word homosexuality, not once.

I don't have an answer as to what I should do. There are several courses of action to take: Do nothing; Lecture him and send him home; Give him the "no escape" experience he desires; Find his fiancée and tell her what's going on; Go the wedding the stand up when the minister asks if anyone objects; Film or photograph the scene and use it as evidence against him; etc.

My feelings are rather strong about all this, though by no means certain. As you may tell from the above, I am filled with thoughts of my own process and, in fact, rather grateful for the gay men who helped me slip down the slope.

I am also rather certain about the need to be non-judgmental, even tolerant of Jeff's plight. There is part of me that imagines that a hot scene with no escape will convince him to come clean. Most of me thinks I am making much too much of all this and that

"Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be."

Without completely re-living and re-writing my own history, there is no changing my life, my decisions, and my indiscretions. What I went through was the process of learning who I was, what that meant, and who was the authentic "me." It is the same for each of us, Jeff included. I wish him luck.

Postscript a week later: Jeff didn't show up as scheduled.

Have a great week. Jack

* * * * *

Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to make a purchase.

You can send me email at or visit my website at You can also subscribe to my blog at Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Creating an Enduring Relationship

As most of you know, we are a kinky family of several partners, polyamorous if you want the technical term. So we have Master Lynn, a friend of nearly 20 years, in our home; Patrick, my slave of more than 16 years; and Craig, a part-time long distant slave in Iowa who visits every six to eight weeks.

Added to that, I've been seeking to own an object, that is a man who is completely surrendered and whom I can treat as "my thing." This past week we've had an object-applicant (animal) staying with us, which prompts another object-applicant (Chicago object) to ask "How would this affect anything that you and I might pursue?"

My answer flows from several of the principles I apply when I create a relationship. Let me explain each of them.

First off, as you may have noted in the last paragraph, I believe that relationships are created. At least the best relationships are created. Sure there are times when they just "happen" but I have found that when they do they are less likely to endure. Creating, you see, takes time, negotiation, and arriving at a mutual understanding of how the relationship will work both in principle and in reality.

There ought not be a rush to have a relationship. You can start one but let it grow slowly and naturally before you say it's ready to "go live."

That negotiation entails a myriad of "what" questions. Chicago object and I have been negotiating for almost a year about such topics as health, finances, sex and fetish, friendships and social life, chores, career, schedules, limits, affection, and dealing with multiple relationships.

The basis of a healthy relationship resides within the realm of one's authenticity. Beyond ego, lust or infatuation lies the real me and the real you. The best relationships recognize the authentic in each partner and (here's the catch) the partners complement one another's authentic selves.

The problem, of course, is that one's authenticity may not be easily known, especially in the passion of first meeting. Yet if we pause to consider what is authentic while we create the relationship, we are much better off than if we dive in half-cocked, half-cooked, and half-crazy.

Another important consideration is vocabulary. Having the same definition for the same word facilitates good communication. Having different definitions only causes difficulty. What, for instance, is a "husband" and what are his duties? The same can be asked of a master, slave, daddy, mommy, boy, girl, etc. It is also a matter of finding if your expectations are compatible. What do you expect when you begin living together? Expect for duties and responsibilities? Expect for the future?

Just as we need to discuss expectations, we need to know what the underlying assumptions are. It is easy to ignore one's assumptions, thereby having contradictory assumptions that will eventually cause problems. Having to say "Oh, I thought you meant…" six months into a relationship is not a pleasant event.

Each of these questions are compounded when the relationship includes more than two. What do, for instance, Lynn, Patrick and Iowa boy expect from an object? How will the object treat each of these men and how will they treat him?

I have long thought that every relationship is created by the two people in it, if only because one consents to the other's design. Looking at it in that way, then, the couple needs to consider their own needs, goals, and desires while they consider the hopes and fears of the rest of the family.

It may seem like a lot to consider but there is wisdom in doing so before the tangles of emotions, finances, social obligations, house-sharing and love weave a bond that becomes a straight jacket. Better cover the eventualities now rather than later.

But of course, none of the above really answers the applicant's question: "How would this affect anything that you and I might pursue?" He's not asking about theory, he wants to know how a second object will change the relationship. In some aspects it wouldn't and in others it would. Let's see.

He and animal will have the same rules. The principles of objectification: obedience, subjugation, domination, control, and humiliation apply to both of them. No change there.

There are areas where having two objects changes the scenario:

First, there will be less chores for each of them, since they will now be shared. Animal, who is retired, has much more time to "serve the house" than does Chicago object. Therefore he will carry the bulk of those chores while Chicago object works at his daytime job.

Secondly, since there is only one of me, they will each have less face-to-face time with me for sex. One will be "stored" while the other serves me. That's not to say there won't be three ways and sharing of the objects with others.

I believe that having multiple objects (as opposed to be the "only" one) will increase the feeling of being an object, as they experience being ignored while another has my attention.

Most importantly each of them has different talents and abilities, hence their lives will vary based on the optimal use each has. For instance, it is obvious that animal is very skilled in house keeping and enjoys doing it. Chicago object is younger, trimmer and desires public exposure and will therefore be more likely to be on exhibit, i.e., a bound figure in the living room.

The simplest answer is that each of us is a unique being with varying skills, abilities, and desires. It is these important characteristics that must be taken into account when relationships are constructed.

Have a great week. Jack

* * * * *

Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to make a purchase.

You can send me email at or visit my website at You can also subscribe to my blog at Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Catching Up

It doesn't seem possible that the last blog I wrote was posted on July 8, but that is the correct date. So here I am, more than two months later, writing. The only excuse is that I was busy. "Busy doing what?" you may ask.

Let's see: interviewing object applicants, gardening, finishing and publishing my first novel, building some new dungeon furniture, reading about Jung's interpretation of the "dark side," digging a fish pond and preparing to retire.

So where do I start?

Many people think I'm younger than I really am, so they are surprised to hear that I turn 65 soon. That means I'll finally have health insurance once again. It also means that I can collect a regular check from Social Security. Boy has this changed my financial life.

I think I've written that I have replanted my garden from vegetables to flowers in order to provide a place for butterflies to feed. I didn't know that doing so would also attract Golden Finches to eat the flower seeds. It has been fun to garden and even more fun to watch the butterflies.

Then I decided to build a little fountain, to which I then added a little pool, and then some little water plants, and finally a little gold fish. Well the little gold fish has grown and I have caught the garden pond bug. I'm digging pond (4 ft by 4 ft and 4 ft deep). No wonder I'm looking for slaves. Digging a pond is hard work!

That gives me a natural segue to my dungeon. Searching for an object to own (I prefer to call it a "dark slave") requires that I have the proper space to keep it. That means that my dungeon has to be well-equipped with bondage devices, there needs to various bolts in the house to attach it to for proper storage, and that specialized tools will be available for its treatment.

So I had Patrick buy a food chopper so the object could more easily eat its food out of a bowl without using its hands. I bolted a hook to the floor underneath the desk where it will work and another one under the porch so that it could be outside when we were. I know this shows an extra amount of care on my part, but that just indicates what a wonderful master I am.

I also made the effort to buy it a set of shackles on ebay. Considerate, aren't I?

I began accepting applications for an object in the middle of last November. To date, 187 men have contacted me, each of them sending me their email address, their chat ID and many of them their phone number. I find that I get (on the average) two new applicants a week and that most of them don't last very long before the conversation is over. You can read more about this on my website at ""  

On the other hand, at present I have four men on the active "short list." All of them are making plans to come for a trial visit. The first one arrived on last Tuesday. His "trial period" was cut short by the flu. That meant that it spent most of its time sleeping and not doing much else. On the other hand it confirmed for him that my dungeon felt like home to him and that I was a capable master. We both hope that it's healthier for its next visit.

The big news, of course, is that my first novel, "The Dionysian Alliance," is finally finished, in print, and for sale. As I say in one of my promotional blurbs: "When you throw in a few glasses of wine, sex and religion mix very well. Add the mysterious murder of a temple prostitute and you have the makings of a great story." You can read a free preview of the book at

There are times when I think that writing a book is easier than selling it. This is one of those times. With the thousands of books published each year, the competition for notice is quite high. Here is where friends like you can help. Forward this email on to your friends. Post it on a newsgroup. Go to, search for "Dionysian Alliance," and click on the "like" button. Buy the book, read it, and write a review of it. Any or all of those actions will help. Thanks in advance.

The book is available in both print and electronic form. Go to to read more information about "The Dionysian Alliance."

Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to make a purchase. Have a great week. Jack

You can send me email at or visit my website at You can also subscribe to my blog at Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

Friday, July 8, 2011

The object's feelings

Some seven months have passed since I began negotiations with "Chicago object," a man who lives here in the Windy City. Our dialogue has inspired more than one essay, as frequent readers of my blog might recall. Recently the topic of feelings has come up. I'll begin with quotes from our email exchanges, though that only illustrates part of our conversation, since we also communicate by phone, text messages and an occasional face-to-face meeting.

Chicago object wrote: "I understand. I do need the clarity, and I appreciate your efforts to make things clear.

"I hope you understand where I am in this process. I feel like I am drawn to the edge of a precipice. There is nothing that excites or stimulates me in quite the same way…
Ok. I understand. What is your definition of "severe bondage"? How would you describe it?

Dark Lord wrote: "Relative immobility... but not so constrictive that your blood doesn't flow. Come over and I'll put you in it...."

Chicago object wrote: "I will come over and submit to this...and perhaps spend quite a bit of time in it...once I feel able to take the first steps."

Dark Lord wrote: "Remind me to discuss the place and role of feelings in one's life."

Chicago object wrote: "I guess as an object my feelings will not really matter: I may be bored or uncomfortable, but hopefully knowing that I am feeling those feelings because I am under control will allow me to accept and appreciate them."

Dark Lord wrote: "I certainly disagree with that idea. It [you] will have to learn to balance its feelings with its thoughts and beliefs. It really is an expansive topic."

Chicago object wrote: "I know, it is expansive. You disagree with my assessment about the importance of my feelings?"

I will be the last one to denigrate the place of feelings in the life of a human, even those humans who consider themselves "sub-human" or want to become "objects."

Let me start with my dictionary. Feelings are "an affective state, such as that resulting from emotions or desires; an awareness or impression; susceptibility to emotional response; opinion based more on emotion than on reason; sentiment; intuitive awareness or aptitude."

From there I'd remind my readers that I believe in the need for balance, to live a holistic life. Holism is "the theory that living matter or reality is made up of organic or unified wholes that are greater than the simple sum of their parts." It emphasizes "the importance of the whole and the interdependence of its parts." Therefore a holistic approach recognizes the value and contribution of the various human qualities, i.e., emotion, reason, physicality, social norms, etc. while maintaining a balance of each in its proper relationship to the "whole" person.

So, Chicago object, I'm not disagreeing with your "assessment about the importance of [your] feelings." I'm only reminding you that feelings must be balanced by all the other aspects of living. Just because, for instance, you don't feel like going to work, doesn't mean that you ignore the financial necessity of doing so.

Although we most often contrast decisions based on feelings with those based on reason, most human decisions have a strong component of feelings in arriving at an eventual outcome. In many cases feelings can easily take precedent over reason when the reason is rather inconsequential, such as in the choice of a restaurant or a movie.

In any case we need seek the center, the balanced state when it comes to feelings, so that (1) they are neither denied nor repressed and (2) that they don't hold inordinate sway in our decision-making.

One of the primary reasons to be wary of feeling-based decisions is the remarkably transitory nature of feelings. I know. My feelings change from hour-to-hour, day-to-day, and month-to-month. I have gone through seemingly long periods of feeling good and then have plunged into depression.

Not only are feelings fleeting, we can make them flee. Too often we forget that fact and "feel" mired in a certain feeling, helpless to control it. Yet we can and often do.
Depression, to use myself as an example, brings many aspects of my life to a halt. I find myself nearly paralyzed in useless activity. Even then there are things I can do that will change my mood, such as gardening, napping, meditating, having sex, or walking the dog. Sometimes external circumstances change my mood, such as receiving a royalty check, hearing from my daughters, or enjoying a fine, Patrick-cooked meal.
At one point, Chicago object even admitted that such was the case when he said he was "going to run three miles to clear [his] head."

Feelings play an important part in Chicago object's journey to objectification. He wrote: "As you know, I have a great deal of ambivalence. There are times when I felt like the timing was right to embark on this (like when I came over that night in March).

"Last night I was almost tempted to start this, but of course other plans for the rest of the week got in the way. I know it is up to me. I know that once I have started I will have time to reflect, and perhaps I will have regrets.

"I guess as an object my feelings will not really matter: I may be bored or uncomfortable, but hopefully knowing that I am feeling those feelings because I am under control will allow me to accept and appreciate them."

What is ambivalent are his feelings and his inaction in pursuing objectification is based on the frequent changes in his feelings. When he writes "I guess as an object my feelings will not really matter," there is an indication of his failure to regard his feelings correctly. Even chained in my dungeon he will experience feelings. There is no way to not do so.

Feelings arise from one's unconsciousness, prompted by all sorts of factors that I'm not sure we can always account for. The most obvious of these is a burst of passion where we end up saying to ourselves "Where did that come from?"

For that reason, our unconscious is called the dark side or unknown, as opposed to our conscious mind of which we are very aware.

One of the fallacies in Chicago object's thought process is that he is waiting for his feelings to indicate when he should start a three day trial period in my dungeon. Time and again he makes plans for the future that fail to include time for the trial period, then uses these plans as a reason not to try it out.

His methodology lacks holism. He has no idea (since he has no experience in this matter) how he will feel once the shackles are in place and he finds himself a solitary "object" in my basement. Yes, he can guess about those feelings and hope that they will be satisfactory, but only experience, objective, non-emotional experience will give him enough information to make a balanced decision as to how to proceed. Only when he submits to it will he finally know how it "feels."

In this case, what I think is taking place is that he routinely gives sway to his current "feelings" about objectification while failing to allow some time for an experiential or reasoned approach.

At times, of course, his feelings about objectification are prominent. It is then that he texts me and we begin yet another round of questions and answers. What is most interesting (and encouraging to me) is that he consistently ends up by saying "Yes, Sir, you are right about that." He gets to that point where he is "almost tempted to start this, but of course other plans for the rest of the week [get] in the way."

Having discussed objectification with Chicago object rather thoroughly, I am convinced that he will find himself quite satisfied with his objectified state. That is to say, his feelings will confirm the rightness of his decision.

That, of course, is what I have written about repeatedly in my columns and books: try each of the fetishes with an open mind so that in due time you will have learned what you like and what you don't like. It is that technique that has served me well over these 30 years. It will serve all of us, including Chicago object, just as well.

He wrote: "I feel like I am drawn to the edge of a precipice. There is nothing that excites or stimulates me in quite the same way." Come and try it, Chicago object. Only then will you know the rightness of the feelings you currently have.

You can send me email at or visit my website at You can also subscribe to my blog at Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Pacing a Scene

An expert artist moves through three stages: technician, craftsman and finally master artist. Like them we begin by learning techniques, then practice those techniques to refine our craft, and one day we're doing it so well it has become an art.

Good scenes have good pacing, or timing, if you will. Like a symphony they have a variety of rhythms, moods, tones, and crescendos and diminuendos. I was recently asked to speak about pacing a scene and thought that you all might be interested in those thoughts as well.

Over and beyond the fact of "fetish" there are many facets to a scene, including speed, action, sensitivity, spontaneity, variety, rhythm, and environment. I can't really tell you how to pace a scene but I can write about the factors that contribute to good pacing. Technique, after all, isn't limited to simply the actions involved in a specific fetish. There are both physical and psychic (or psychological if you prefer) characteristics that both top and bottom need to attend to, if a scene is to become truly artful.

Each characteristic has its own importance and the "whole" of them becomes greater than their sum. While there is a possible ranking among them, to think of them in that context may have the adverse effect of ruining a scene. Room temperature, for an example, might be just as important as one's ability to read body language, even if adjusting the thermostat is an easier task to accomplish.

That said, it seems to me that the most expert players have developed their ability to "read" their partners and therefore interpret the progress of the scene in such a way as to improve it. Reading in this context combines an array of talents that includes the following:

Watching body movements, especially how one's bottom is breathing, tensing or responding. Is their chest heaving? Is she breathing deeply? Are his breaths slow or is he going to begin to hyperventilate? Can she breathe properly or is the gag too restrictive or is she forgetting to breathe?

Listen to their grunts and groans. It's not just grunts and groans either. What about sighs or vocal comments? Can we tell the difference between "No don't stop" and "No. Don't. Stop?" If we stop will they be relieved or disappointed? What I am dealing with here is sensitivity to our partner.

The dictionary helps here. Sensitive: "Capable of perceiving with a sense or senses; Susceptible to the attitudes, feelings, or circumstances of others; Readily alerted by the action of an agent; Registering very slight differences or changes." Notice that it has to do with perception, feelings, and very slight differences. To be successfully sensitive one must take care, be quiet, and act slowly, while continuing to accurately process the information.

Feel their bodies for heat and sweat, as well as to reinforce the sensation of the scene with a mixture of "sweet and sour." Among the important techniques is to use one's hands during a scene. Now that might be easily understood while spanking or fisting, but it is equally important in whipping and paddling. Caresses during an impact scene, for instance, go a long way to help the bottom continue in the scene as well as give important feedback to the top. They also afford the additional advantage of helping to improve the pace of a scene.

Maintain an inner silence or awareness that listens for intuitive clues. Some of this, in fact, is an extrasensory perception while some is also simply taking time to evaluate the external sensations we are receiving on a physical level. Too often we can become so involved in what we're doing that we fail to take the time necessary to ask ourselves "How are we doing?" or "How are they doing?"

Pace also has to do with timing. The best scenes have a natural tempo to them, generally beginning with slow and easy and progressing to quick, intense, and hard. This, of course, is not a steady climb upward but one of peaks and lulls, as in "crescendos and diminuendos." It is important to note that the diminutive parts of the scene are just as important as the intense ones. It is the variety that creates the successful play. It is the pause that underlines and reinforces the activity.

What I've written thus far seems to place all the responsibility on the top and that is not at all the case. It is quite necessary for the bottom to provide clear feedback. In fact, "toughening it out" can actually ruin a scene. If the bottom isn't sending signals, or even worse is sending false ones, the scene is destined for failure.

Actions play an important part as well. We can't forget the value of knowing good technique and using it. Likewise actions need to be varied, which is another way of looking at pacing. Therefore it's fundamental that actions need to be studied, practiced and learned.

Good pacing isn't just part of the scene. It is also found in good negotiations, good preparation of the scene's venue, and in the aftercare, which is just as much a part of the scene as the fetish play itself.

That thought leads us to consider the environment: temperature, humidity, sound (both helpful and distracting) and privacy or the lack thereof. Is there water and/or juice handy? A place to take a break in the scene, since breaks are a good way to get feedback and to diminish the action in preparation for increasing it later.

Lastly, we need to recognize the value of spontaneity. A good scene is part choreography and part spontaneous modification of the scene to fit the flow, pacing, and feedback of the scene. Be open to adjust your activity, your speed and intensity, as well as your "plans."

And in all of this, be sure to have fun.

Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to make a purchase. You can send me email at or visit my website at You can also subscribe to my blog at Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

Monday, June 13, 2011

What Are You Saying?

I had my first gay encounter in late 1973 and didn't get honest with myself and my family until my divorce ten years later. During that time, I was greatly conflicted, confused, and guilt-ridden. Time and again I would "repent" and promise myself that I would never again seek out men for sex. I repeatedly did so, over and over again in a cycle of lust, gay sex, remorse, repentance, quiet, and the eventual resurgence of irresistible lust for men.

It took some three or four years of counseling to "come clean." Most of that time I told my therapists (there were three different ones but that is another story) that I wanted to be hetero, save my marriage, do what was "right." Yet over and over again, when he asked me if I had been cruising adult bookstores for sex, I answered "Yes."

Finally, Dr. John, my therapist at the time, told me how he analyzed patients. "When a client," he said, "says one thing and does another, I always listen to what he does." It was that night that I was hit in the gut with the truth, the lights went on, and I had no choice but to accept myself as who I was, a gay man. That night the lies stopped, the hypocrisy and denial ended, and I began to build a new life, a life that was the real me, my authentic self.

Needless to say, my life was changed forever. I would also point out that the lightening bolt was only the first of many things that happened. Becoming truthful is a long, arduous and very painful process. It involved essentially changing every facet of my life: my relationship to my wife, my children, my family and friends; my job; my home-life and where I lived; my self-image; my lifestyle; and every aspect of my social life. The old Joe died that night and had to take years to be reborn as the man I was meant to be.

I can hardly be telling this story for sympathy. The final result has brought me happiness, contentment, self-confidence, and a large loving family. And I think it's safe to say that my children, who with their mother bore most of the pain, have forgiven me, accept me, and love me. Their mom is happily married as well.
Dr. John's lesson wasn't new. My mom taught me the cliché, "Actions speak louder than words," long before I left home at age 17. They were true every time she said them and they are still true today. Unfortunately they didn't register in my brain until I was 36 years old.

I bring this subject up now because I find myself in a kinky subculture filled with words without actions. Promises (weak ones to be sure) to call me or come for a visit go unfulfilled. We decry leaders with our words and give them no advice, no encouragement, and little assistance. We say we want education while we prefer to attend parties. We share fantasies ad nauseam and do little to find ways to make them actual.

OK. Let me be clear: The generalities in the above paragraph are just that – generalities. I can give you numerous exceptions to my bitches. Exceptions, though, are just that, i.e., "a case that does not conform to a rule or generalization."

So ask yourself the important question: "What do my actions say?" It is only then that you will find the way to live fully, honestly, and clearly.

What might your actions say? Most anything, that's for sure, but  you might want to look at these possibilities:
  • Honestly, the time's not right. Get to it later.
  • You just don't want to do it. Check your reasons for thinking you do want it as they might not be really good reasons. You may only think you do in order to avoid some conflict or to please someone else.
  • It's just not that important to you, so give it up.
  • You need help doing it. Ask for help.
  • You aren't being honest about your priorities. Make a list and prioritize it so you can do what is important and let the less important things go away for another day.
  • You are afraid of the consequences of doing what you are saying you want to do. Explore your fear and the reasons you have it. Can you overcome it? If not, admit the truth and move on to something less threatening. 
You see, we really do need to act honestly if we are going to have a healthy community, a healthy life, and healthy relationships. For yourself and for everyone else, please do so. We all have a lot to gain.

You can send me email at or visit my website at You can also subscribe to my blog at Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Reflections on My Survey

My first thought about the survey I passed out two weeks ago is that the next time I have an idea like that I'm going to ask my friends at CARAS ( to help me do it. I can't believe I forgot to ask for demographic data, such as age, gender, and time in the lifestyle. I'm no Mr. Gallup, that's for sure.

But, hey, it was a spur-of-the-moment idea and that's what you answered.

My first reaction was to the question about sex. As you might know there is a raging controversy as to whether BDSM is about sex or not. The answers are rather conclusive. "Is the about sex?" 80% answered "hell yes" or "the more the merrier." Of course that doesn't tell me whether more is a three-way or more is just more sex with the same person. Either way… it is about sex. As a matter of fact the questions ranks lowest in the "No" category, gaining only 1.6% who felt that way.

On the other end of the scale, scat (shit play) is the big bug-a-boo with 40.68% saying "No way." That was followed by Needles at 34.2%, Piss at 24.3% and Breath Control at 22.8%. The chart below gives the highest ranked choice in each category:

Sex                    44.7      Hell, yes
Scat                   40.8      No and I'll rim a clean hole (tied)
Needles             34.2       I hate going to the doctors
Genitorture        30.8      That hurts. Do it again
Bondage           28.1      The Tighter the better
Cages               27.0      Sure that might be fun
Puppy Play       24.9      We need to buy some knee pads
Piss                  24.3      No or I'll rim a clean hole (tied)
D/s                   22.8      I want to serve you
Breath Control  22.8      No and A little pressure (tied)
Whip                22.3      Make it hurt
Tit Play             21.7      Clamps with rubber protectors
Ass Play           17.9      Use your dick
Verbal Abuse   13.8      I love it when you talk dirty.

The results are posted below. I'm going to take the easy way out and let you come to your own conclusions. If you are receiving a text version of this column, you can read the formatted version at

Shall I whip you?
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count Whipping
1. Not at all 3.2% 14 No 3.2%
2. Deerskin sensations only 2.0% 9 Low Mid 61.7%
3. Mildly until I say stop 5.4% 24 High Mid 32.3%
4. A little red is nice 17.8% 79 Extreme 2.7%
5. Make it hurt 22.3% 99
6. Make me cry 14.2% 63
7. Black and blue is better 8.4% 37
8. Welts 15.8% 70
9. Blisters 2.5% 11
10. Blood 5.6% 25
11. Hamburger anyone? 2.7% 12
Other (please specify) 19
answered question 443
skipped question 14
Want to do scat?
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count Scat
1. No way 40.8% 182 No 40.8%
2. I'll kiss a clean ass 8.5% 38 Low Mid 52.6%
3. I'll rim a clean hole 40.8% 182 High Mid 4.7%
4. A dry fart is OK 2.0% 9 Extreme 1.8%
5. Give me a wet fart 0.4% 2
6. I like the taste of dingle berries 0.9% 4
7. Let me clean your dirty hole 3.6% 16
8. I'm a wiper 0.9% 4
9. I'm a flusher 0.2% 1
10. I'm a shit-eating pig. Bring on the turds. 1.8% 8
Other (please specify) 16
answered question 446
skipped question 11
Are you into Golden Showers (piss)?
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count Piss
1. That's a private thing. Not here please 24.3% 105 No 24.3%
2. I'll smell that drop on your genitals 3.0% 13 Low Mid 29.2%
3. Can I taste it? 1.4% 6 High Mid 27.3%
4. Well if you only want to piss ON me, that's OK 13.9% 60 Extreme 19.2%
5. I think you need to give me a shower 10.9% 47
6. A little on my lips is alright 7.4% 32
7. I'll drink it. 5.1% 22
8. Give it to me right from the tap 14.8% 64
9. Hell, yes. Don't waste that beer. Recycle it. 19.2% 83
Other (please specify) 24
answered question 432
skipped question 25
How much may I control you?
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count D/s
1. We're equals Mister. Get over it 2.2% 10 No 2.2%
2. A little give and take is fun 4.9% 22 Low Mid 31.2%
3. I'll do most of what you say 4.2% 19 High Mid 52.4%
4. I like pleasing people 7.6% 34 Extreme 14.1%
5. Can we do it in the dungeon only 5.6% 25
6. It's OK for role play 8.9% 40
7. I want to serve you 22.8% 102
8. I want to be your slave 15.8% 71
9. I want to obey you always 13.8% 62
10. You are my god 14.1% 63
Other (please specify) 14
answered question 448
skipped question 9
Is this about sex?
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count Sex
1. No. I'm saving myself 1.6% 7 No 1.6%
2. Cuddling only 1.4% 6 Low Mid 12.2%
3. Fondling and kissing is OK but keep your clothes on 0.9% 4 High Mid 50.9%
4. Groping is nice 1.8% 8 Extreme 35.3%
5. Give it to me skin to skin 2.3% 10
6. Sure but no penetration 5.8% 25
7. Sure but only anal penetration. I want to stay a virgin 0.7% 3
8. What the Hell. I love you 5.5% 24
9. Sex? Hell yes 44.7% 194
10. The more the merrier 35.3% 153
Other (please specify) 27
answered question 434
skipped question 23
Bondage anyone?
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count Bondage
1. No thanks 1.7% 7 No 1.7%
2. You know, ribbons might be nice 0.7% 3 Low Mid 12.5%
3. Can we try those handcuffs for a little while 11.8% 50 High Mid 80.0%
4. Rope is relaxing 26.2% 111 Extreme 5.9%
5. The tighter the better 28.1% 119
6. Got any plastic wrap 7.3% 31
7. Make me into a mummy 18.4% 78
8. Plaster casts are the best 5.9% 25
Other (please specify) 23
answered question 424
skipped question 33
Can we get anal?
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count Ass Play
1. Don't touch that. I'm not queer 2.3% 10 No 2.3%
2. Well a little finger on the rim feels nice 2.6% 11 Low Mid 25.7%
3. Yeah you can feel my hole 3.5% 15 High Mid 42.3%
4. I actually like that 7.0% 30 Extreme 29.8%
5. Get some lube and go in further 8.6% 37
6. How many fingers is that? 4.0% 17
7. Try using your dick will you? 17.9% 77
8. Got anything bigger? 6.7% 29
9. Put on a glove, honey. This is love 5.1% 22
10. Are you in yet? 0.5% 2
11. Wow. I took the whole thing 12.1% 52
12. No. Don't take it out 29.8% 128
Other (please specify) 15
answered question 430
skipped question 27
Genitorture anyone?
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count Genitorture
1. No. You can't hurt me there! 3.3% 14 No 3.3%
2. Touch me nice. I'm not into pain 7.9% 34 Low Mid 54.1%
3. Oh. That feels good 15.4% 66 High Mid 39.2%
4. Oh. That hurts. Do it again. 30.8% 132 Extreme 3.3%
5. Harder. I can take it 8.6% 37
6. I can take whatever you dish out 7.2% 31
7. Hit me there again. Harder. Harder. 11.0% 47
8. Pull them will you? 12.4% 53
9. You know. I think life would be easier without them 3.3% 14
Other (please specify) 16
answered question 428
skipped question 29
Can I needle you?
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count Needle Play
1. I hate going to the doctors 34.2% 145 No 34.2%
2. Well, I'll try one if you promise not to hurt me 15.3% 65 Low Mid 21.4%
3. That was nothing. Can I watch the next time 6.1% 26 High Mid 32.6%
4. How about a nice design 16.7% 71 Extreme 11.8%
5. The more the merrier – oh we said that before, didn't we? 5.7% 24
6. What's your record? Let's go for it 6.4% 27
7. Make it bleed 3.8% 16
8. Oh what a pretty color red. Can I taste it? 11.8% 50
Other (please specify) 20
answered question 424
skipped question 33
Titty, titty, bang, bang?
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count Tit Play
1. Hands off. Touching them does nothing for me. 1.9% 8 No 1.9%
2. Brush them nicely, I said 8.6% 37 Low Mid 30.3%
3. Clamps? Sure if they got rubber protectors 21.7% 93 High Mid 32.5%
4. Harder. I can take it. Do I have to repeat myself? 12.4% 53 Extreme 35.3%
5. Can you take off those rubber protectors 5.4% 23
6. Got any needles 5.8% 25
7. Let's twist again like we did last summer 8.9% 38
8. Oh good. They'll be really sore tomorrow 35.3% 151
Other (please specify) 17
answered question 428
skipped question 29
Are you into breath control?
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count Breath Control
1. I agree with J.W. That's too dangerous 22.8% 96 No 22.8%
2. Caress my neck. Don't squeeze 12.1% 51 Low Mid 34.9%
3. A little pressure is exciting 22.8% 96 High Mid 40.1%
4. Got any rope 2.1% 9 Extreme 2.1%
5. Make me think it's dangerous. I like the feeling of fear 19.5% 82
6. Do it until I say stop 3.6% 15
7. Oh, I can't say stop 5.9% 25
8. Did I really pass out? For how long 9.0% 38
9. Wake up I said. Wake up. Oh, God, please wake up. 2.1% 9
Other (please specify) 10
answered question 421
skipped question 36
Are you being cagey with me?
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count Cages
1. You want me in there? 10.5% 43 No 10.5%
2. Well if you don't shut the door 1.7% 7 Low Mid 34.5%
3. OK if you don't lock the door 5.8% 24 High Mid 39.9%
4. Sure that might be fun 27.0% 111 Extreme 15.1%
5. For how long did you say? 11.2% 46
6. Is my time over already 12.9% 53
7. Yeah I don't mind being left alone 15.8% 65
8. You back so soon? 15.1% 62
Other (please specify) 14
answered question 411
skipped question 46
"Woof, Woof," I said.
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count Puppy Play
1. No. I am a responsible adult 17.1% 71 No 17.1%
2. Does that mean I can play with your bone, er? 10.1% 42 Low Mid 30.6%
3. On all fours like this? 9.4% 39 High Mid 43.5%
4. Got a doggie collar 11.1% 46 Extreme 8.7%
5. I like leashes 18.6% 77
6. We need to buy some knee pads 24.9% 103
7. Where's the Alpo? 8.7% 36
Other (please specify) 16
answered question 414
skipped question 43
What kind of person do you think I am?
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count Verbal Abuse
1. Respect me or else 10.1% 42 No 10.1%
2. Will you respect me in the morning 3.4% 14 Low Mid 25.5%
3. Well, OK, but don't use the N word 2.7% 11 High Mid 40.1%
4. I like it when you talk dirty. 13.8% 57 Extreme 24.4%
5. Got any other four letter words 5.6% 23
6. You make me feel like trash. Talk to me some more 5.1% 21
7. How low do you want me to go? 4.8% 20
8. One man's trash is another man's treasure 6.3% 26
9. Humiliation is good for the soul 9.4% 39
10. Degradation makes me hard/wet 8.0% 33
11. I deserve it Sir/Ma'am 6.5% 27
12. I need it Sir/Ma'am 24.4% 101
Other (please specify) 10
answered question 414
skipped question 43

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