tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-57448131831488736222024-03-14T03:55:14.058-07:00Leather ViewsJack Rinellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13185727254622188664noreply@blogger.comBlogger45125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5744813183148873622.post-31717745036641522162012-12-13T07:01:00.000-08:002012-12-13T07:01:10.647-08:00Documenting a Relationship<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">For long-term readers of my
posts, it is no surprise (or is it?) that I spend a great deal of time
attempting to create relationships. I am rather persistent about doing so and,
when the forces of attraction, possibility, fantasy and probability align just
right, I work hard at it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">So my </span><st1:city><st1:place><span style="font-family: Arial;">Chicago</span></st1:place></st1:city><span style="font-family: Arial;"> object-applicant and I have been negotiating since
December, 2010. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Recently we returned to the
idea “key holder” for a chastity device.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">For him, it has a high place
on his list of desires. For me, it represents a step in the direction of
control. Now it’s just a step, but that is always the way a long journey
begins.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">So over the weekend, I told
him to buy a male chastity device. Yesterday he did.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">The (edited) dialogue went
this way:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Object: I think the chastity idea is a good way to
start You probably know that I have conceived of chastity prior to
submission...followed by indefinite orgasm denial. If that is even possible?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Me:
Yes. There is little I don't know about you. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Object:
What kind of device would you want me to
get??<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Me: A good one that you can wear for long
periods and that can go through security checkpoints. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Object: It is part of the overall privation and
suffering the object should experience. Eventually it knows it would
happen...on your terms. And the increase awareness of being controlled. Yes.. A
constant reminder.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Me: Then do it. Submit your genitals to my
control. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">This morning this we had
this text:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Object: I ordered the chastity thing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Me: I'm glad to hear that<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Object: Feels kind of silly unless it is being
"required" or unless there is a key holder.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Me: Do we need to discuss this? I told you to
buy it. That might not exactly mean "required" but short of your
surrendering to my control, it comes close. As for "key holder" did I
err in thinking that was me?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">He agreed that I was right….<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">The un-discussed topic here
is that I am very wary of assuming what is agreed upon in a relationship. It
seems to me, having lots of experience with failed relationships, that one of
the primary reasons they fail is that one partners assumes certain conditions
that the other partner is unaware of.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Herein lies the value of
documenting the discussion in writing. Make it as simple as notes or as formal
as a written agreement. Pen and paper have memories much more reliable than
ours. “What did we say?” and “What did
we mean?” are both questions that, when the discussion is documented, are
substantially easier to answer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">So there will be a written
agreement (we had a similar one last Spring). I get my sense of control over
part of him. He gets the strong reminder that I am in control of his sexual
behavior.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">It works for both of us!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Have a great day. Jack<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">* * * * *<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Buying one of my books helps
to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to make a purchase.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I am in the process of
changing my delivery options. Please go to <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/mQyjG"><span style="color: windowtext; text-decoration: none; text-underline: none;">http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/mQyjG</span></a>
and sign up to have my blog emailed to you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">You can send me email at
mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/">http://www.LeatherViews.com</a>. You can
also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2012 by
Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Be sure to visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com</div>Jack Rinellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13185727254622188664noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5744813183148873622.post-59820304084760351072012-12-10T14:48:00.000-08:002012-12-10T14:48:02.492-08:00Time<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">The one mystery in life, the
one thing that is always in limited supply, once gone never and retrieved is
time.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I was struck by the idea of
time in two ways today. First a friend of mine called me a “hero” because I
have sex every day (almost) and sometimes twice a day (often but not that
often).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I told him there was a
secret to having daily sex and he wanted to know what it was. “Turn off the
television,” I told him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">You see, I have frequent sex
because I want to have sex often and therefore I plan my day so that there is
time to do it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">The other notion of time
came to me because an object-applicant told me he would want a contract to sign
when he submitted to me. Now I’ve already sent him two versions, one in
December of 2011 and another in May of 2012. I reminded him to read them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Nevertheless I pulled out
the most recent contract, read it and improved it. That’s when it dawned on my
how much time I have spent negotiating a relationship with this guy. I recorded
in my notes that his first contact with me was on </span><st1:date day="27" month="12" year="2010"><span style="font-family: Arial;">December 27, 2010</span></st1:date><span style="font-family: Arial;">, though it turns out we had actually met five years
before but nothing came of it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">So there you have it,
kinkster. Time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Want to do something? Make
time for it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Want something to happen?
Well it just might take some more time. Keep at it, do what you can to make it
happen, and while you’re doing your part, just let time do it’s thing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Time. They just don’t make
enough of it, so what you have to use, use wisely.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Have a great day. Jack<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">* * * * *<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Buying one of my books helps
to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to make a purchase.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I am in the process of
changing my delivery options. Please go to <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/mQyjG">http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/mQyjG</a>
and sign up to have my blog emailed to you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">You can send me
email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/">http://www.LeatherViews.com</a>. You can
also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2012 by
Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Be sure to visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com</div>Jack Rinellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13185727254622188664noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5744813183148873622.post-87971405607576745172012-12-07T07:35:00.004-08:002012-12-07T07:35:51.831-08:00The Symphony<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">One of the significant
advantages to living in </span><st1:city><st1:place><span style="font-family: Arial;">Chicago</span></st1:place></st1:city><span style="font-family: Arial;">
is the wide variety and high quality of its cultural life, among which the
Chicago Symphonic Orchestra is at the top of my list. I write that the morning
after I attended yet another of their stellar performances. As Patrick says,
“No one ever feels sorry for you, Sir.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">A good scene is like a great
symphonic orchestra: the right people, talent, time, fantasy, equipment and the
ability to “play well together.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">What do you consider when you
consider having a scene? Do you look at all the variables? And what do you
consider for the long term?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Like an expert rendition of
a symphony, a concerto or a fugue, great sex takes “all of the above.” There is
an unspoken (and erroneous) myth that “sex is natural.” Well, of course it is,
if in “sex” you mean the simple act of intercourse. Anyone can figure out that
the outie part of the guy fits into the innie part of the woman.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">But I am not talking about
reproduction. I am talking about the art of great sex. What are you doing to
improve your art?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Do you research great
methodology? Listen to great teachers? Discuss the action with your partner?
Make plans to achieve the best? Do you practice? Do you review and critique in
a healthy way?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">If you think that just
showing up is all it takes, you are kidding yourself. Art takes work, serious
committed work.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I usually have great sex. I
have my partners to thank for that, of course. I would like to note, though,
that it doesn’t come “naturally.” Let me be quick to add, though, that it is
worth the effort. Ask any musician in the CSO and he or she will agree.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Have a great day. Jack<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">* * * * *<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Buying one of my books helps
to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to make a purchase.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I am in the process of
changing my delivery options. Please go to <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/mQyjG">http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/mQyjG</a>
and sign up to receive my weekly email via my blog site.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">You can send me
email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/">http://www.LeatherViews.com</a>. You can
also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2012 by
Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Be sure to visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com</div>Jack Rinellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13185727254622188664noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5744813183148873622.post-2996109861114328112012-12-06T09:30:00.001-08:002012-12-06T09:30:24.466-08:00Social Media<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Having just celebrated my
66th birthday, I guess I can be excused for noting the general degradation of
communication today.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">We have this myth about
electronic communication, one that tells us that email, texting, social
websites and tweeting all facilitate communication. If you regard the
distribution of data as communication, then I guess you are correct.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">However I have noticed a
serious disconnect between what many people say via electrons and what they
actually do. Typing a phrase, and here I quote a recent message I received,
"I WANT TO BE OWNED," and actually doing something about it are two
different things.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Here's the background: I
wrote to a guy who have visited my profile on a hook-up site. I began the
conversation this way: "call me at 312-206-8793 when you are free." That
was in May. He never did call but he did reply "YES MASTER." The caps
are his.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">In October he hit me up on
the site. I asked him what was he seeking. He replied, "TOTAL CONTROL PAIN
PIG SLAVE SIR." He did send me contact information.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">This past week his
communications started up again. Rather than bore you with more of the same,
let me just say that I have called him three times this week and he hasn't
returned my calls. I did see him online very late one night and texted him to
see if he wanted to talk. He texted back that he was groggy and would call me
in 30 minutes. As might be expected, he didn't.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Over and over again I find
that when it comes to online communications, words and actions just don't
match. As a therapist once told me, "When a client says one thing and does
another, I always listen to what he does."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Keep your words and actions
consistent and you will be much happier for it. And guess what? So will the
person with whom you're communicating.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Have a great day. Jack<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">* * * * *<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Buying one of my books helps
to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to make a purchase.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">I have changed the way I my
deliver my column. Please go to <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/mQyjG">http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/mQyjG</a>
and sign up to receive my weekly email via my blog site.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial;">You can send me
email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/">http://www.LeatherViews.com</a>. You can
also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2012 by
Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="blogger-post-footer">Be sure to visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com</div>Jack Rinellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13185727254622188664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5744813183148873622.post-70203372619920229202012-12-05T07:19:00.003-08:002012-12-05T07:19:48.229-08:00Restarting<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">It’s been a
long while since I’ve posted a blog (</span><st1:date day="26" month="3" year="2012"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">March 26, 2012</span></st1:date><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">). Much of that had to do with being
so busy last Spring; during June and July, I was away in </span><st1:state><st1:place><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">California</span></st1:place></st1:state><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;"> and then </span><st1:country-region><st1:place><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">Australia</span></st1:place></st1:country-region><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">; and finally I just stopped writing
a weekly column.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">I’m telling
myself that it’s time to start again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">This
re-start, I think, ought to be different. The world has changed a great deal
since I began my weekly columns in Gay Chicago Magazine in 1992. Then it
appeared in print, weekly. Gradually I gained some email readership. Eventually
I had more than 4,000 readers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">Bogs have
generally replaced columns. Though many columnists are still writing, I see
that they are also blogging.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">Blogs tend,
I see, to be shorter, more personal and more frequent. I like that idea.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">Here then
are today’s thoughts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">Slightly
more than two years ago I posted a profile describing myself as the
DarkLordinChicago, a whole new persona for me. I sought to embrace what I felt
were extreme, intense and dark side aspects of my hidden self. It was a mixture
of lust, curiosity and a quest to become both more authentic and more whole.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">The
questions that such a quest raises are myriad and not very easily explained in
the context of the 21st century. How does one deal, essentially, with evil,
with selfishness, with dark desire?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">I see the
general “theater of kink” as an attempt
to explore and express that which each of holds deeply (and usually quite
hidden) within ourselves. It is that desire to explore and express that keeps
me involved in the world of kink.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">That said,
I am quick to remember that “the world of kink” ought to be fun. Let the
psychology, the sociology and the theology of all of what it is that we do take
second place to happiness, self-fulfillment, contentment and honest fellowship.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">Have a
great day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">Jack<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">Buying one
of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to
make a purchase.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">I am in the
process of changing my delivery options. Please go to <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/mQyjG">http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/mQyjG</a>
and sign up to receive my weekly email via my blog site.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10pt;">You
can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/">http://www.LeatherViews.com</a>. You can
also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2012 by
Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="blogger-post-footer">Be sure to visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com</div>Jack Rinellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13185727254622188664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5744813183148873622.post-84395985836534904072012-03-26T08:14:00.000-07:002012-03-26T08:14:36.627-07:00The Perfect or the Good?<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial;">Since I created my “Dark Lord” profile, I have repeatedly found myself in a dialogue with guys who are seeking total incarceration in my dungeon for the rest of their lives. They pepper their profiles with ideas such as “no escape,” “permanent slavery,” and “prisoner for life.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> Eventually the discussion comes down to this: “It costs approximately $1,000 a month to live in this house. That includes utilities, food, rent, internet, phone, etc. A conservative estimate is that health insurance would cost about $500 a month.... Do you expect your future master [me] to support you?”<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> In their perfect fantasy, the answer is “Yes.” They think that the master they will find has enough wealth to financially support them for the rest of their lives.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> Here is a sample response: “Well Sir, its only income is about $250 a month… If it is to be kept captive it obviously won't be going to a job, so whether this for real or not depends on You Sir. If You are unwilling to feed it then so be it, Sir, it will not be able to submit to You Sir.”<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">My reply illustrates my opinion on this attitude: “As I thought... so go find yourself another owner.”<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">He answered: “Understood Sir, but it has to ask how You can turn a slave into what You specify in Your profile and have it go out to work, Sir?”<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> OK, the vast majority of my readers have no intention of becoming slaves or masters. Their fantasies are much more practical and livable. Still, I think, there are lessons to be drawn from the above exchange.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> In a perfect world good scenes would last forever. Such an occurrence is the “stuff” of fantasy. In this case we can safely equate fantasy with fiction. Consider any good novel as an example. We rarely see the villain paying his bills or going to do the laundry. The heroine is seldom shown having her hair dyed or scrubbing pots and pans. With very few exceptions we don’t go to the movies to watch an actor sleep for eight hours, brush his or her teeth, or read a book.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> Real life is edited out of our fiction and is seldom recognized as part of the “reality” of a fantasy made true. Let’s look at the definition of fantasy from the Miriam-Webster dictionary: “fancy; especially: the free play of creative imagination; a creation of the imaginative faculty whether expressed or merely conceived: as a: a fanciful design or invention, b: a chimerical or fantastic notion, c : fantasia, d : imaginative fiction featuring especially strange settings and grotesque characters —called also fantasy fiction.”<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> I’m certainly in favor of using our imagination to create a powerful and satisfying scene. The fact of the matter is that we can do a great deal of what might be fantasy in the limited time-frame of a scene. We can, after all, ignore our cell phones, disregard the laundry, or put off paying our bills for a weekend.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> It’s easy to “disappear” into a dungeon for a few days. It is problematic to disappear “without a trace” for six months or a year.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> So we must come to the conclusion that what might work in a scene (i.e., immobile bondage) won’t work for a long term relationship. In a perfect world, for instance, mummification in a full body plaster cast could go on forever. In this world, after the passage of a day or so, the need to eat, defecate, and move would become increasingly pressing.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> Sometime after the first month of seeking an “extreme slave” I began to question the place of limits in my fantasy. If I sought a “no limits” slave were there things that I just would not do? The best example was presented to me by a guy who wanted me to kill him. His “snuff” fantasy was hot and arousing but significantly illegal.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> So I gave some serious thought to what my limits were, believing that my limits protected both of us. I came up with three limits: in short, I wouldn’t endanger anyone’s health; do anything illegal; or allow a “slave” to become financial dependent upon me.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> Face it. A slave whose health is impaired is much less useful than a healthy one. I’m not willing to go to jail for my fantasy. A master who has to financially support his slave is, in my opinion, a slave to his slave.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> Just as I don’t play with people who won’t give up their limits for me, I won’t give up my limits for them. No problem, we just respect each other and go our separate ways.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> We can forego many things in the short run, such as lunch, regular exercise, or going to work. If we are seeking to experience our fantasy over an extended period of time, we must take into consideration what has to happen over that period of time. It’s one thing to negotiate a scene and quite another thing to negotiate a long term relationship.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> Whereas scenes “end” at a given time, we would hope that relationships are built to last. Unfortunately, as with the applicant quoted above, we often fail to distinguish between scene and relationship.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> I think that we can look at the example of a common human relationship, such as marriage. Once two people are married, that relationship continues 24/7. When “dad” goes to work he goes as a married man, even though he does very little at work that involves his marriage. Marriage (usually) involves sex, a honey moon, children (or not), sharing one’s income with one’s partner, etc. and work doesn’t.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> Going to work does not end the marriage. In the same way, having a job doesn’t cancel out one’s slavery. Even at work the slave is going to have to obey his or her master, keep the rules that have been agreed upon, and will have his or her choices limited in ways that his co-workers might not even imagine.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">In fact, in this case, “going to a job” is an expression of the slave’s obedience. Her surrender of a paycheck is another example of the same thing. My applicant asks: “How You can turn a slave into what You specify in Your profile and have it go out to work, Sir?”<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> Easy. You go to work because you are my property and you do what you are told to do. You see, my fantasy is that I am a master, not a jailer or a prison warden. You have the right to define your fantasy anyway you like. I suspect, though, that in the long run, you will have a hard time finding the master who agrees to become your warden for more than a week or so.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> So I am left asking the question “Is your need for a perfect fantasy so great that you will forego a good one?” Isn’t this one of those times when “half a loaf is better than none?” Remember I am not implying that the practical and pragmatic long term relationship omits the extreme, fantasy-fulfilling inclusion of great scenes. I am only saying that scenes and relationships have two entirely different sets of criteria.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> In the first case, a scene can be as wild as you can handle. In the second, the weekend ends on Monday morning.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> Perhaps this tenacious hold on an impossible fantasy is subconsciously purposeful, since it guarantees that it will never happen. There is therefore no need to settle for second best because one would rather have the fantasy, discuss it online ad nauseam, and never have to give it up for something that is more attainable.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> All that, you see, and you can blame your lack of fantasy fulfillment on recalcitrant masters rather than on your own self-defeating retention of a never-to-be actualized fantasy. If fiction is what you want, then call yourself an author and write it down. If life is what you want, then get real and enjoy what you can while you can.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Have a great week. Jack<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">* * * * *<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">From The </span><st1:place><span style="font-family: Arial;">Midwest</span></st1:place><span style="font-family: Arial;"> Book Review:<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The strangest of things can bring you closer to the divine. “<a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/jackswriting/Alliance.htm" target="_blank">The Dionysian Alliance”</a> is a suspenseful novel following Detective Benjamin Kramer and his discovery of his ancestry within a religious order that promises to bring him into every dirty thing he can imagine, followers of Dionysos, the ancient god of wine and ecstasy. “The Dionysian <br />
Alliance” is a fun and riveting read that should prove difficult to put down.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I am in the process of changing my delivery options. Please go to <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/mQyjG">http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/mQyjG</a> and sign up to receive my weekly email via my blog site.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/">http://www.LeatherViews.com</a>. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2012 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Be sure to visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com</div>Jack Rinellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13185727254622188664noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5744813183148873622.post-15743026841778232732012-03-09T06:32:00.000-08:002012-03-09T06:32:17.916-08:00The Urge<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">It’s true: Once upon at time, a long, long time ago, I was a newbie.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Just like everyone else, I had to muster up my courage to enter the dark, dangerous-appearing, and hard-to-find world of kink. In those days (early 1980’s) that meant finding a Leatherman’s bar, such as the Gold Coast (</span><st1:city><st1:place><span style="font-family: Arial;">Chicago</span></st1:place></st1:city><span style="font-family: Arial;">), The Lure (</span><st1:state><st1:place><span style="font-family: Arial;">New York</span></st1:place></st1:state><span style="font-family: Arial;">), or Lafitte’s in Exile (</span><st1:city><st1:place><span style="font-family: Arial;">New Orleans</span></st1:place></st1:city><span style="font-family: Arial;">).<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I was married, with two young children, and did my best to repress my gay self. I didn’t believe I had a gay self, much less a kinky self and, as most others did and some still do, I resisted the urge. Over and over again I said “No” to the compulsion for cock, for man to man sex, for satisfaction of the lusts that burned inside my soul.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">As much as I tried, I failed to stay faithful, monogamous, heterosexual. At the full of the moon, my body would rage, pushing me to find an adult bookstore, a gay bar, a guy who would satisfy and silence my libido.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I’ve changed a great deal since then and there is no longer any need for repression, no more guilt, and no more sneaking around. Haven’t even been in an adult bookstore in years.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">For many, of course, the struggle still remains.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">As you may have read, since November of 2010, I have been cruising hook-up sites as the “Dark Lord,” “Seeking those who wish to surrender without limit.” <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">My online profile continues: “Experienced Lord and Master seeks additional property. I seek to be obeyed and worshipped. My primary fetish is control which I exercise both sexually and sadistically. I have an exceptionally high libido and the primary objective of my search is to find men who will be used to satisfy my every sexual desire, without limit or hesitation. I seek to transform you into another toy for my pleasure and sexual gratification.”<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Seventeen months later, more than 200 men have approached me, the vast majority of them going so far as to send me their phone numbers. I have learned much about these men and their desires and one of the most constant of their shared characteristics is the urge to surrender, to be under another’s control.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">“Urge” is a good word to use, but there are many others: lust, desire, compulsion, obsession, craving, need, irresistible push. They share the feelings that this is their birth-need, their destiny, their inevitable fate. For them, as with my 37-year-old self of some 28 years ago, “Resistance is futile.”<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Let me give three examples:<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The first is from an experienced Gay man in </span><st1:state><st1:place><span style="font-family: Arial;">California</span></st1:place></st1:state><span style="font-family: Arial;">. He is noteworthy because, though we have had no real-time contact, he visits my profile regularly:<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><st1:date day="6" month="11" year="2011"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Sun 6 Nov 2011</span></st1:date><span style="font-family: Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">DarkLordinChicago: Back again, I see.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">CalPig: Yes Sir, like a fly to honey.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">DarkLordinChicago: So fly to O'Hare and I'll take it from there<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">CalPig: Yes Sir, on a future vacation.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Tuesday<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">DarkLordinChicago: Back again!<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Wednesday<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">CalPig: Yes Sir, thinking ...<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">DarkLordinChicago: Ah. Now all I need is thought in action<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">CalPig: Yes, indeed. Putting thought into action is always the challenge, isn't it? Chattel slavery is most extreme, and therefore I am drawn to the idea. In reality I know what is possible, and being drawn to </span><st1:place><span style="font-family: Arial;">Superior</span></st1:place><span style="font-family: Arial;"> power is most attractive.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Friday<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">DarkLordinChicago: Drawn but afraid?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">CalPig: Yes, strongly drawn and afraid Sir.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The “urge” fights against the fear. Over and over again those two emotions struggle within a person’s heart. “Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t,” my mother would say.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">There are, I would think, many reasons for this being so. First off, the status quo is always more comfortable than any anticipated change. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Secondly, there is a great fear of the unknown. “What does this mean? How will this end? Am I crazy? How will this work? Can it work?” are all challenges to the idea of fulfilling one’s fantasies, especially the dark, taboo, and outside the “normal” ones.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">There’s also a fear of failure, that this idea just can’t work.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Mostly, though, it is the unknown.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">As ChicagoObject wrote: "Was just re-reading your 'contract' and it always makes me feel like I am being drawn to the edge of a precipice."<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I know it is hardly credible to say so, but ChicagoObject and I have been negotiating for nearly all of the last17 months.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">For him, there is no “sight” to the bottom of that precipice. He feels blind as to what could happen, anxious to pin me down to every detail, while fearing that there is more to it than he can handle, more than he can learn and more than he can sanely survive.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Still he relentlessly pursues me.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">An applicant whom I’ll call NYsubmissive says the same: “I’ve had homo-erotic fantasies and desires since my preteen years. These are becoming more frequent and stronger with age to the point of occasionally being obsessive and even disrupting my daily routine. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> I will admit that the idea of total objectification builds in my mind and drives me crazy for days on end, but then becomes too scary and unreasonable. When I give in to the temptation to jerk off, it leaves, then slowly builds again, etc...”<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">That is the typical pattern. It is an emotional roller coaster of desire and repression, of embracing the fantasy and then running from it.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I should warn you about my “pop psychology” but it seems to me that this urge is, in fact, a critical part of what Carl Jung calls the “individuation” process. The following quote is summarized from <a href="http://www.schuelers.com/ChaosPsyche/part_1_27.htm">http://www.schuelers.com/ChaosPsyche/part_1_27.htm</a><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">“Jung calls the main task that we face during the second half of our life the individuation process, an open-ended process of psychological maturity. It is a process of maturation in which the psyche ages or matures in much the same manner as the physical body. The general guidelines are summarized as consisting of four parts:<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">“1. Becoming conscious of the shadow. The shadow is our dark side, containing those things that we have repressed or ignored for one reason or another. It usually manifests to us in dreams as an archetypal figure who is dark and ominous. Just as the persona [conscious self or ego] is that part of us that we want to present to the world, so the shadow contains those things that we want to hide from the world, and from ourselves. This dark side of ourselves must be confronted and accepted, at least in part, as the first step in the individuation process. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">“2. Becoming conscious of our feminine and masculine sides. The individuation process is, above everything else, a process of wholeness. This includes sexual completeness. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">“3. Becoming conscious of the archetypal spirit. The individuation process is primarily one of uniting opposites. In the first step, we unite good and evil and try to see ourselves as capable of both. Eastern religions often symbolize this with the lotus, which has its roots below in the dirty mud and its flower in the clean air above. In the second, we see ourselves as containing both masculine and feminine characteristics. Now we must unite matter and spirit, form and formlessness, body and psyche. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">“4. Becoming conscious of the Self. Jung called this final step self-realization- “We could therefore translate individuation as “coming to selfhood” or “self-realization” (Jung, 1977, p. 173). <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">“Jung’s (1978) individuation is similar, if not identical, to the self-actualization of Maslow (1968; 1971).”<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The ego, fearing its destruction, resists the process of individuation, not wanting to surrender its control over to the unconscious Self. This inner struggle is manifest in the urge/fear interplay that my candidates feel. Rather than being destroyed, the process is meant to align ego and Self in a harmonious and productive relationship. Rather than being simply an inner conflict, It is a reasonable manifestation of the maturation of the psyche, a process that leads to wholeness, to the living a more authentic life.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">In this context authenticity implies that one surrenders to the Self within, eschews, in some way, the pressures of society to conform, and embraces one’s uniqueness and individuality. Did you think that all we did in our dungeons was “play.” Now you see why my Old Guard forebears called it “work.”<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">As I wrote to NYsubmissive: “The task is to discern whether the impulse is authentic to your inner self or merely a jerk off fantasy. Only you can tell for certain. Discussion and experimentation can give you clues and ideas to reflect on.”<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">BDSM, as we practice it, provides us with safe, sane, and consensual environment in which to explore the urges we feel. Jung would note that not all unconscious desires need be fully lived, that ritual and theater can provide the psyche with soul-satisfying experience without destruction.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">It is this ability to “explore” and “experiment” that teaches us what is authentic about us, what should be accepted and included in our lives, and what is mere never-to-be-real fantasy.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">A blog is hardly the place to explore Jungian psychology and the maturation of the psyche, but here we are, struggling to let that fantasy come out, afraid of what it means for our lives.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Have a great week. Jack<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">* * * * *<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I am in the process of changing my delivery options. Please go to <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/mQyjG">http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/mQyjG</a> and sign up to receive my weekly email via my blog site.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><span style="font-family: Arial;">You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/">http://www.LeatherViews.com</a>. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2012 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.</span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Be sure to visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com</div>Jack Rinellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13185727254622188664noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5744813183148873622.post-15637404061237362172012-02-19T13:45:00.000-08:002012-02-19T13:45:44.517-08:00A Reflection on Love & Life<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">A recent string of emails on one of the sites I cruise started with this:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">“Sir, I could live my life with your rules as long as it was for life. I would want to have nothing more than you as my Lord and Master.” As usual I checked the guy’s profile and found he already had a master so I wrote back: “So who is the man you now call master?”<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">“Sir,” he answered. “He is a master I love very much but I know I will never be more than a part-time slave to him. I am OK with that most of the time. Then there are times when I long to really belong and know my place with a master, one who will never let me forget my place in life. The problem is I have fallen in love with master and still want more, not just part-time slavery.”<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I gave him my response: “I am certainly willing to consider enslaving you but only with the consent of your present master. I am not one to steal another's slave.”<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">And he replied “Thanks but it was stupid of me to think about it anyway. I care too much for my master. I was feeling pretty lonely and wanting more than just part time slavery. I am lucky to have what he gives me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">There are several principles here that affect negotiations and our decisions as to how and what we negotiate. As I see it, they are holism, authenticity, honesty, the role of love, and the place of emotion in what it is that we do.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Holism<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I am a strong advocate of moderation, balance, and centeredness. In order to maintain those qualities it’s important that we live holistic lives, which means that we need to keep the many factors of our humanity in mind as we evaluate how we will act. Too often we make decisions based on one or two criteria, unfortunately being mindless about other factors that may be equally important, albeit neglected.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">For instance we might decide to do something based on short-term benefits, neglecting the long-term impact of our decision. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Authenticity<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">There are many courses of action that are open to each of us. One of the most important and difficult ones is “To thine own self be true.” I say this because knowing oneself is not an easy proposition. It takes wisdom and maturity to know who and what we are. Both of those qualities, unfortunately, take time, and lots of it, often measured in years and in mistakes.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Yet true happiness, it seems to me, demands that we be authentic, i.e., faithful to the selfhood found in and defined by our most inner selves, our essential selves.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Honesty<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Having found that self, we then must live that selfhood honestly. First, we must be honest with ourselves, neither denying who and what we are nor trying to be someone we are not.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">That, too, is difficult because society, in all its facets, usually has other plans for us. My parents, for instance, expected me to be happily married until death parted my ex-wife and me. My brother expects that I should better support myself, perhaps by writing about a subject that would be more lucrative than kink. My Dad always wanted me to find a better job, even though writing and teaching satisfied my real self much more than any other careers I could imagine for myself.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">We live in a world that accepts pretense, masks, and white lies. Honesty often bears the price of estrangement, ostracism, ridicule, and isolation.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The role of love<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">My friend quoted above (the emails are edited for clarity) speaks about love.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I need to take care here, since I am struck by his use of the term and by the idea that love is a poorly-used word. Is it love that he feels or is it infatuation? Are his feelings for his master honest? If so, then why does he feel “pretty lonely and wanting more?” Why doesn’t love bring him joy and satisfaction? If nothing else why does he tell me about his dis-satisfaction when he should speak to the one he loves about it?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Ah, there’s the rub. Can he not be honest with his master? Does the relationship lack authenticity in some way? Does he settle for second best because getting what he thinks he wants is unattainable or too difficult?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Of course, the infatuation may not be with the master but with the idea of slavery. Perhaps he fools himself into thinking that full-time slavery will solve his problems. I can’t answer any of these questions but each of has the responsibility to consider such kinds of questions when and if they arise in our lives.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The place of emotion<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Lastly, as my friends know, I can be an emotional person. I feel things strongly and am quick to acknowledge the emotions that I feel. Emotions bring us a whole different set of values and ways to perceive what is happening. I strongly feel that the emotional aspect of our lives have much value and need to be recognized.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Still I have to return to the idea of holism. Too often we make decisions that reflect our feelings at the time. When our feelings change, we are then left with decisions that are no longer acceptable. I am certainly susceptible to that, as my feelings can easily put me on a real roller-coasting ride.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I have found that recognizing the emotions I feel at a given time helps me to put my current feelings into their proper perspective. It is a matter of having a dialogue with oneself about the feelings of the moment and recognizing that it is a feeling of the moment and therefore <i><b>one that can well change</b></i> in another moment. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">One of the things I often suggest is that in time of critical decision-making we keep a journal and in it note our feelings about the topic under consideration on a daily basis. As we document those feelings over the course of a month or so we can then go back and review the highs and lows of those feelings and arrive at a more balanced knowledge of how we actually feel about a situation, rather than how we might feel about it in a given moment.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">In conclusion<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">It’s important that we reflect upon our thoughts and feelings, especially as they affect our actions. In doing so our lives become more balanced, more authentic, and therefore more satisfying. In any case, this process is meant to create in our kinky lives the one characteristic that is most important: fun. If it’s not fun, then we need to charge of our decision-making process so that we get the results we will enjoy, not the second-rate ones we think we have to settle for.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Have a great week, that is one where your life is authentic and your face has a smile on it. Jack<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/">http://www.LeatherViews.com</a>. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Be sure to visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com</div>Jack Rinellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13185727254622188664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5744813183148873622.post-47895811775198583802012-01-20T13:27:00.000-08:002012-01-20T13:27:05.659-08:00Journaling<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt;">It's probably no surprise that I'm in favor of keeping a diary, since I can look back on nearly 20 years of writing and see how doing so has enhanced my life. I use the words journal and diary interchangeably and would agree with Webster's definition: "A personal record of occurrences, experiences, and reflections kept on a regular basis; a diary."</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;"> That said, I have a diary near my bed. There I keep records of dreams and ideas particularly related to my spiritual or "inner" life. On my computer you will find numerous documents that collectively qualify as parts of my journal: my bogs, my manuscripts for books in progress, emails and transcribed text messages, and random writings.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;"> As many of you know, for the past year I have been seeking a man willing to become an "object" for my pleasure and service. I have kept rather complete records of my conversations with these men, essentially a diary of enthrallment. I also encourage my applicants to dairy about our conversations and meetings in order to better decide if we are a fit and to help them learn more about themselves.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;"> This just one of the many examples of what I do with diaries. I've come up with five reasons why I journal: Documentation, Remembrance, Long-term view, Reflection, Clarity, and Career.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;">Documentation.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;"> Without documenting events, thoughts, and feelings, they quickly fade out of view. Therefore keeping a record of them insures a kind of permanence that allows us to experience the rest of the benefits that I have listed here.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;"> The prime reason for keeping a journal is that it chronicles my feelings and thoughts on a given day so I that I can compare the feelings on given topic over the course of time. Very often our feelings determine our decisions. Since our feelings vary like the movement of a roller-coaster, keeping track of them over a period of time (such as a month) gives us a much more balanced and over-all view of how we really feel about a topic. It is, or can be, an important help in decision-making.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;"> Another benefit to journaling is that our thoughts are preserved for posterity. As I child I never learned what my grandfathers believed. In fact, even though I was often around my maternal grandfather and he taught me how to garden, we never talked about important matters. As for my Dad's father, I was in the middle of a pack of 17 grandchildren, hardly noticed and seldom spoken to. My collected journals, therefore, will be a way for my grandchildren and great-grandchildren to get to know me. That said, they won't read them until they're over 21 years of age.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;">Remembrance.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;"> I once heard that the best memory in the world can't keep track of things as well as writing in pencil on a piece of paper. Write it down and it may well last a lot longer than your brain. It is as simple as that. Unfortunately we can't reflect on a topic if we don't remember the details surrounding it. The written or typed word is among the most secure memory we have.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;"> You see, if you forget what was said, meant, intended or agreed upon, when it's written you can look it up. If not, you're out of luck.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;">Long-term view.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;"> Things change, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. In either case, when we are in the middle of an event it looks a great deal differently than when we look back on it at a later date. For example, I am quick to panic about my cash flow. When I remember that I have survived previous cash-flow debacles (and Patrick is quick to remind me of this) the immediate crisis pales greatly.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;">Reflection.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;"> One of the most human of activities is reflection: "Mental concentration; Careful consideration; To think seriously; To express seriously considered thoughts." I will admit that we may not actually do much of it, but it is an important part of good decision making. Not only that, but reflection is the best path to wisdom. That, in itself, is the best reason to journal, since reflecting is a very important part of the journaling process.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;"> Please note the last paragraph carefully. Though diaries hold the memory of events and thoughts, their most important usage is as a way to foster, encourage, and preserve reflections. I find that the value of a journal is not in the moment that a passage is written but rather in the cumulative fact of reflections written of the course of time. The journal becomes an important dialogue with oneself, leading to increaed self-knowledge.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;">Clarity.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;"> That, then, brings me to another result of a good journal: clarity. What we write over the course of months speaks loudly to us about our true feelings, the real facts, and ways to resolve all sorts of issues.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;"> In order for this to work, we have to use a dairy as an aid to our thought process, such as by creating lists of pros and cons or keeping quotes that are meaningful to us. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;">Career<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;"> Now you're liable to think that since you're not a writer, keeping a journal has nothing to do with your job. Well, think again, as everyone has to write something at some time or another. Writing itself will make you a better writer, since practice makes perfect. Of course it helps if someone reads what you write once in a while and gives you constructive criticism to help you improve.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;">So What does it entail?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;"> Journaling is a lot easier to do than we usually think. All you have to is keep at it at a regular pace. I often suggest writing about 100 words, four or five times a week. Got nothing to write about? Then comment on the weather or the news. Write about what's happened in your life, or how you feel today, or what you've dreamt or wished for. Write about your hopes and fears.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;"> Don't edit yourself while you are writing. Leave that for later. Just writing anything is better than not writing at all. Use pen and paper or a word processing program. Keep at it. Even if you stop for a while, then go back to it later. Something is better than nothing.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;"> Here are two websites for help and ideas: <a href="http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2007/07/journaling/">http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2007/07/journaling/</a> and <a href="http://stress.about.com/od/generaltechniques/p/profilejournal.htm">http://stress.about.com/od/generaltechniques/p/profilejournal.htm</a>.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;">Good luck and have a great week. Jack<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;">* * * * *<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;"> My new novel, <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/jackswriting/Alliance.htm" target="_blank">The Dionysian Alliance</a>, is getting noticed. Here is a link to Erotic Awaking, a pod cast by Dan and Dawn. If you don't want to hear the spanking part (it is good) then fast forward to the 39 minute spot on the slider: <a href="http://www.eroticawakening.com/archive/ea166-a-spanking-a-spanking/">http://www.erotiwakening.com/archive/ea166-a-spanking-a-spanking/</a> . There you will find an interview they did with me about the book.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;"> A reader sent me this mini-review: "Hi Jack -- To let you know I just completed reading <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/jackswriting/Alliance.htm" target="_blank">The Dionysian Alliance</a>. Enjoyed it very much. I liked the clear development of characters, the visual descriptions of the locations, and the nice anticipatory flow of the story. It's pretty evident you did a lot of research to produce it, and soul-searching as to how to blend the book's many elements and themes. Thanks for a great read. -- Jerry in Taos NM"<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11.0pt;"> Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to make a purchase at <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/">http://www.LeatherViews.com</a>.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt;"> You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/">http://www.LeatherViews.com</a>. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Be sure to visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com</div>Jack Rinellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13185727254622188664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5744813183148873622.post-58601484567060611142012-01-08T14:06:00.000-08:002012-01-08T14:06:42.158-08:00How Does One Begin?<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Thirty years ago, people who were curious about kink, generally speaking, had two avenues in which to find similarly-minded players: bars and classified ads.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">So it was that, with my pocket-sized Damron guide I searched out gay bars whose clientele were called "Leathermen." One could also look for the euphemism of "Levi." It was there that, if you were brave enough to go through the somewhat foreboding and often un-marked door, you could meet men into "rough sex" aka "S&M."<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">BDSM had not yet entered the common parlance of the kinky world. In fact, neither had the word kinky.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Or I would pick up a copy of Drummer Magazine at some sleazy adult book store and answer the personal ads in its classified section. Each response that I mailed cost one dollar and I limited myself to $20's worth of mail per issue. The return on my investment was less than ten per cent but I did manage to hook up with a few guys now and then.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Mostly, though, I met my partners in Leather bars. One by one they gave me the experiences I needed to become who I am today. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Experience, according to the dictionary, is "1 a: direct observation of or participation in events as a basis of knowledge, b: the fact or state of having been affected by or gained knowledge through direct observation or participation; 2 a: practical knowledge, skill, or practice derived from direct observation of or participation in events or in a particular activity."<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">In the "good old days" of the early eighties there were few books one could read about our lifestyle, only a very scant and hard-to-find number of seminars, and private clubs were by invitation only. Invites weren't easy to get because you had to know someone who would vouch for you. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">That left the personal ads and the bars as the only practical entry-way into the world of "what it is that we do." <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Even that phrase typifies the elusive nature of the BDSM subculture of the day. We spoke a code-filled jargon, not openly naming people, places, clubs or activities until we knew that the person with whom we are speaking was "safe," not safe as in "safe to play with" but as in "safe to share this knowledge with."<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Today, of course, there are all sorts of information sources as nearby as a Google search on the letters BDSM. The same kind of search on Amazon.com will reveal hundreds of books on the subject, and on XTube.com there is an incredible variety of SM-filled videos. Yes, over the years, the "&" has disappeared. Everything changes, even the jargon.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhk4gmgnrr_LcDcupojvu14KcM2-Oyu4QIDrTKMUt9FtBWsoU0zIfvb6YU4iV63jaTtg0Z9CkGZDXhsNLrBsCLkgHV5V7zn6ydMYmxbe9AIJChGIERK7G9vzHWNXXNMX7PzLhMMm0jvHGJi/s1600/wilde.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhk4gmgnrr_LcDcupojvu14KcM2-Oyu4QIDrTKMUt9FtBWsoU0zIfvb6YU4iV63jaTtg0Z9CkGZDXhsNLrBsCLkgHV5V7zn6ydMYmxbe9AIJChGIERK7G9vzHWNXXNMX7PzLhMMm0jvHGJi/s1600/wilde.jpg" /></a><span style="font-family: Arial;">There are two quotes from Oscar Wilde that put the term "experience" into its proper light. The first is " Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes." The second, "Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught."<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I'm sorry to say that you've got to get experience. Doing so, I admit, is not without risk, since as Mr. Wilde points out, it is most likely that the best learning experiences are those where we fail. Fear of failure is probably the number one reason that we don't learn. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained," Mom would say, though she probably wasn't thinking about my venturing into gay Leather bars when she told me that.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">So today we find our subculture inundated with "newbies," men and women with no practical knowledge of our subculture, who think that what they've read in some chat room makes then one of us.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Others, to be fair, shrink from us because they have no experience. It is a circular and self-defeating argument. "I won't do that because I have no experience," they think to themselves and therefore they get no experience.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Another argument is "I won't play with you because I don’t have enough experience" or "I won't play with you because you have too much experience." Believe me, I've heard that last quote too often for it not to be etched in my memory. Why newbies prefer to play with people with little experience is way beyond me.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">But what do I know? I was risky enough to walk into dingy, dark, hard-to-find bars that reeked of beer, sweat and semen. And trick by trick I got experience until one day while on a business trip in Corpus Christi, the bartender at a place called "The Green Door" called me a "Leatherman." It was a memorable rite of passage, even if I hadn't yet morphed into Jack Rinella.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Contrary to some thinking, getting experience need not be that risky. It is not an all-or-nothing proposition nor does it involve whole-hog activities. Start slowly. Do research. Ask questions. Check references. Read books. Take it at your own pace, one step at a time.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">And reflect of the experience. What did you like about it? What didn't you like? What have you learned? What new questions has the experience given you?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Though there is a lot of talk in our educational circles about mentoring, it is still a hard to come by that resource. That said, my education was at the hands of many mentors. Each trick became a mentor for the night, each scene a class in the school of lower education.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Yes, there are predators but it only takes common sense and the smarts to ask for and check references to ferret them out. Remember, if they sound that good to you tonight, they'll still sound that good the next time you meet them, so there is no need to rush in.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I remember the confusion, ambivalence, and fear I felt the first time I stood outside of Lafitte's In Exile (in the French Quarter of New Orleans), the rankest, raunchiest bar I ever entered. But my heart wanted S&M and I figured I could always just run out the door if I had to. It wasn't a matter of quick entry and quick learning. It was a matter of quiet observation, scouting out the place and people, listening more than talking, and when I did talk, I asked lots of questions.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Then, as now, men and women of experience were pleased to teach me what my heart wanted to know. All I had to do was stop being afraid to ask.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Have a great week. Jack<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">* * * * *<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to make a purchase.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/">http://www.LeatherViews.com</a>. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Be sure to visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com</div>Jack Rinellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13185727254622188664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5744813183148873622.post-91240205562838828152011-12-31T08:06:00.000-08:002011-12-31T08:06:01.376-08:00Are You Ready?<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> </span><span style="font-family: Arial;">I began slave hunting when I read John Preston's novel, </span><i style="font-family: Arial;">Mr. Benson</i><span style="font-family: Arial;">, in 1984. Since then I have met many applicants but only one (Patrick) has actually become my slave. A few moved in to try it out but they didn't last more than a few months.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> I met Patrick through an ad that my friend Bobby wrote for me. It began with the words "Are you ready?" Patrick was.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> Now I respect a person's decision that he or she isn't ready and understand that there are often circumstances that prohibit doing (or getting) what one wants to do. Family, real estate, employment, health and education may all rightly take precedent over less pressing goals. (But see the disclaimer below about priorities.)<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> That said, what does the word ready really mean? My trusty dictionary tells me that it means "1. a : prepared mentally or physically for some experience or action; b : prepared for immediate use <dinner is ready>; 2 a : willingly disposed : inclined <ready to agree to his proposal>; b : likely to do something indicated <a house that looks ready to collapse>; 3 : displayed readily and spontaneously <a ready wit>; 4 : immediately available <had ready cash>"<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> I bring the topic up because I am struggling with the idea that Chicago object (who I've been negotiating for more than a year) says he's "not ready" to commit himself to some kind of action leading toward enslavement. I ask him what would make him ready and get no answer. I tell him to make a plan as to how he could become ready and am greeted with the same silence.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> Patrick was in a unique position when I met him in 1996. He had sold his home, quit his job, and disposed of most of his possessions in order to move in with another master. Since he had done so, when that relationship proved untenable he contacted me and within six weeks he had moved in with me.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> Most of us don't have to do all of that to be ready, as there are usually intermediate steps that we can take that don't demand such a level of preparation. We can visit for a weekend, take a week's vacation to try something out, simply just meet for coffee, play at party, or experiment and explore without making any commitment at all.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> I am, after all, a strong proponent of making life-changing decisions rather slowly. Becoming ready takes time and effort in a variety of areas. As you can see, the dictionary points out several aspects of ready: physical, emotional, willingly, and likely.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> I have concluded that there are three ways to approach readiness:<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> First is to have knowledge of what we seek. Neither mere curiosity nor unproven desires are enough. They might encourage us to explore the fantasy through reading, questioning, observation, and short, non-committal experiences, but they don't make us ready.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> Hopes, desires and fantasies that demand greater commitment ought to be founded on a broader and more thorough knowledge of what we seek. The lack of this knowledge, it seems to me, is the reason that seekers so often seem to be flakey in pursuing their fantasies. Not only do they not know what they really want, they often hold false beliefs about it.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> A guy, for instance, who is interested in experiencing a whipping, may think that it always entails blood. Most whippings, of course, are completely bloodless, yet that fear may hold him back from exploring his fantasy.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> Second, I believe that "readiness" exhibits a willingness to apply a certain amount of "work" to getting what you want. Unfortunately most things don't come as easily as we'd like and many life goals are in that category. Think, for instance, of what it takes to become a doctor, buy a home, or raise children.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> Why do we act as if finding a partner, becoming an expert at impact play, or having a fine group of reliable friends is any different?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> Thirdly, and here is probably the most difficult thing about accomplishing one's goals, we have to accept a certain amount of risk if we are going to be successful in our search. As mom would say "Nothing ventured; nothing gained."<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> If we are looking to attain what we want without putting aside some of our fear and being willing to experiment and explore, we will never be ready. The very words "explore" and "experiment" entail uncertainty. Doubt about an outcome is a cruel fact of life and no amount of preparation is ever going to completely eliminate it.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> I'm not suggesting that one goes off "half-cocked" at the drop of a hat. I am only pointing out that being ready doesn't have a 100% guarantee to it. As far as I can tell, the only fact of life that is guaranteed is death, though the fact that the sun will come up tomorrow is fairly reliable as well, though it may be "up" behind some pretty serious clouds.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> Too often we live in fear of failure. I certainly don't enjoy failing but since I am an expert in doing so, I can tell you that there can be hidden value in doing so. To fail gives us an excellent opportunity to learn, to correct our mistakes, change our methods and come to success. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> You don't have to take my word for it. Here are several quotes from Thomas Edison (taken from http://quotations.about.com/od/stillmorefamouspeople/a/ThomasEdison3.htm): <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> "I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward."<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> "Many of life's failures are men who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> "Nearly every man who develops an idea works at it up to the point where it looks impossible, and then gets discouraged. That's not the place to become discouraged."<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> "Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> [Side note to Chicago object: "Opportunity is missed because it looks like sacrifice."]<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> The last idea I have about being ready has to do with setting one's priorities. I think it's a simple fact that if something has a low priority, we're not going to be very ready (if at all) to do it. Sure the word "ready" takes a transitive verb, i.e., "I am ready," but what that doesn't reveal is that we must become ready. If it's not some kind of higher priority for us it will always take second place to something more important. It is that sense of priority that spurs us to prepare ourselves, to become ready.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> "Ready" doesn't happen all by itself. In most cases it takes work and usually lots of it. That's why I asked Chicago object what his plan is for being ready.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> Now if you think that being ready is just some kind of feeling, then I suppose you might wake up some day and be ready, but I would counter that a ready "feeling" is not the only part of actual readiness in matters that really matter. Feelings count but other factors such as reasonableness, possibility and past experiences count as well, if not more.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> In other words if what you seek has any kind of priority to you, then you're going to have to work on being ready. I wish I could wave some magic wand and make everyone ready, but I can't. Until then I'm going to continue to work at my being ready. Some things, after all, are important to me.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> Have a great week. Jack<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">* * * * *<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website at <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/">www.LeatherViews.com</a> to make a purchase.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/">http://www.LeatherViews.com</a>. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Be sure to visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com</div>Jack Rinellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13185727254622188664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5744813183148873622.post-5129417584939443572011-12-26T18:03:00.000-08:002011-12-26T18:03:27.578-08:00What's the difference?<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">After more than a year of emails, texts, phone calls, and occasional meetings, Chicago object and I are still negotiating. The primary thing we have in common is our persistence in trying to develop a relationship.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I recently wrote an email to him, mostly concluding that "On the other hand, I may have skewed the conversation into the wrong direction. Perhaps it would be better to forego the idea of being an 'object' and instead focus on 'intense slavery, chattel slavery,' or some other variation on that theme."</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">To which he replied, "So what is the difference for you in 'chattel slavery' and objectification?"</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">My conclusion was prompted by the strong possibility that no one could or would live as an object. Chattel slavery, strictly defined, is illegal and immoral. Perhaps what we are really discussing is some kind of intense, on-going domination. What then are the differences?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">It really amounts to a discussion of the nature of intimate human relationships, be they parental, spousal, sexual, or familial. For our usage, a dominant-submissive relationship can be considered both human and intimate, since intimacy also comes in many non-sexual varieties. So let me expand my thinking far beyond objectification or even slavery. Let me just talk about relationships.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">It seems to me that consensual, intimate, and human relationships have certain qualities in common, in spite of the fact that we often ignore them. I would list them as: Mutually defined; On a continuum; Fundamentally human; Necessarily meeting one's needs; Unique; and Highly changeable.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">When I discuss these relationships, I am purposefully excluding those that are dysfunctional, for whatever reason. Of course I do so at some risk, since most relationships probably have some (even though minor) kind of dysfunctionality.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">So let me start.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Though many relationships have much in common, I'm going to venture that every relationship is unique. No two children are treated the same way by their parents, no two marriages are exact copies of each other, no two best friends are best in the same way.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I say that because we often think that there is some (even one) way that a relationship ought to be. Though we can certainly expect certain characteristics to be "given," there is still a wide variety of possibilities available in each and every one of them.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">That then leads me to an axiom that I have held since the very earliest days of my writing career: Every relationship is defined by the two people in it. I say that with the understanding that even non-negotiated, non-intentional, and irrational relationships exist because the couples in them consent to the relationship, creating it by their interaction with one another. That applies even if their consent is simply by default, by inertia, or their inability to change.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The definition of the relationship is mutually arrived at, even if it doesn't seen that way. If it's not mutual, then it falls into the class of being dysfunctional. OK, I admit that "mutual" includes "agreed upon by default."</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">By the way, I would also say that agreement by default is probably a very common occurrence as too often we don't give enough (or even any) thought to the multitude of factors that create a relationship. I remember, for instance, that on the first day of our honeymoon, my wife was startled to find that she had married a man who squeezed the toothpaste at the wrong end of the tube. Oops, we had forgot to negotiate that. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">And yes, I am guilty. Even to this day I still squeeze the tube near the cap.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">It may seem strange that I write about toothpaste in a column on kinky sex, but fundamentally all our relationships are human. Too often we ignore the "human side" of what we do. No matter what your fetish might be or how kinky you want to live, it still boils down to the fact that some 95% of what is going to happen is simply going to be what happens in any and all human relationships. Putting on the black skins of dead cows (or whatever fetish gear you wear) doesn't remove the foibles, faults, and idiosyncrasies that we all share.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">In order to begin a relationship and then to keep it alive, it has to meeting your (plural) needs. I know that some would deny that, i.e., masters who think it's all about them and bottoms who protest that they only want to serve. Honestly though, if you're not happy in a relationship, it will sooner or later end.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">All that, then, is to answer the question "What's the difference?" The difference isn't as well-defined as you would hope. Relationships exist on a continuum, "A continuous sequence in which adjacent elements are not perceptibly different from each other, although the extremes are quite distinct." Think about a rainbow. We know there are seven colors in a rainbow and we can see each of them. What we can't see is where one color ends and the next one begins. They just blend from one into the next.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">So for instance, there are "slave relationships" with strict authoritarian masters and others with daddy-like easy-going ones. Between those two poles are innumerable variations in style, domination, surrender, protocols, and fetishes. "Each to its own," my mom used to say.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">In this example, the difference is one of intensity, in other words, "management style." That's why we negotiate. Until we both know the expectations, the limits, and the rules of engagement, we really don't know what we are getting into. I can tell you I'm a master but until I tell you what I mean by the word, it really is an empty concept.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">That may be the problem with the idea of becoming an "object." Does it mean that you're going to act like a lamp for the rest of your life or does it mean that you will be treated as an animal, with no regard for your feelings, that your life will be simply one of utilization as your owner's work horse?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Continuum? Do you eat food off the floor? Or eat food in a dish on the floor? Or eat food in a dish in the kitchen? Or eat food in a dish on the floor of the dining room? Or eat food at the dining room table with the rest of the household? Of maybe you're just kept in a cage all the time and food (on a plate or not) is served to you in the cage? Each is a different way of eating and has a different degree of humiliation.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">My experience with all of this is rather illuminating. When Patrick moved in with me to be my slave nearly 17 years ago, I gave him a list of rules. Within a month of having done so, it's safe to say that most of the rules had been thrown out the door. I had this grand notion, for instance, that he would balance my checkbook. Boy was I misinformed. Some things are just not to be.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">That food in the cage idea is one of them. I had a friend who kept his slave in a dog cage for four days. At the end of that time, the poor guy was both numb and sore and he had lost feeling in his hands and feet. It all came back in a few days so there was no long-term problem, but it just goes to show that as much as we might want to define a relationship in a given way, we still have to include the human factor.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">And that human factor means that everything is changeable. Our relationships evolve and mature daily, even if the movement is imperceptible. No matter how it starts and how you define it, it's going to be different sometime along the way.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">None of the above, of course, really answers Chicago object's question. The best way for him, or any of us for that matter, to know what it will be like is to try it, to let it grow and evolve naturally, roll with the punches and enjoy it as much and as long as we can.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Recognize that relationships aren't cut in stone, they are lived in real flesh in real time. Experiencing as much of it as you can is the best way, in fact the only way, to know what it will be like and from there to fashion it into one that you meet both your needs.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Have a great week. Jack</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">* * * * *</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/" target="_blank">my website</a> to make a purchase.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Be sure to visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com</div>Jack Rinellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13185727254622188664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5744813183148873622.post-49657750879827679112011-12-17T10:44:00.000-08:002011-12-17T10:44:18.650-08:00How to Shoot Yourself in the Foot<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">You'd think that I would have learned by now, but part of me is repeatedly surprised by people who are seeking sex, either casual or committed, and who act to their own disadvantage.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I'm not sure whether it's a case of being stupid, uninformed, manner-less or clueless. When I ask such non-performers why they did something, it is usually with the answer that they are "shy."<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Yes, they are shy of common sense, native intelligence, important information or manners. Really, you know, everything you need to know about getting laid, married, fucked, or whatever you're seeking you were, as they say, taught in kindergarten. You probably let the teacher's voice go in one ear and out the other.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">As you can tell from the title of this blog, the person you (mostly) hurt is yourself. Your flaky, faulty, thoughtless actions only injure yourself and perpetuate the state you wish to end, be it loneliness, horniness, or single-hood.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">OK – Disclaimer time: Maybe this doesn't apply to. If it doesn't that's great. In that case, if you want to learn how to shoot yourself in the foot, do some (or all) of the following:<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Don't communicate.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Seriously now. Let your discretion, fear, shyness, guilt or embarrassment stop you from passing on helpful, interesting, necessary, alluring or enticing information. The less your prospective partner knows about you, the better are the chances he or she won't bother you any longer.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Give false information.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Really. The truth won't help in a relationship and if you think the truth won't get "out" then you are setting yourself for failure. That's what you want isn't it?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Forget who's watching.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">You're right about talk. No one cares if you can "walk the walk." When you say one thing and do another no one's going to notice. By the way, if your prospect is hypocritical as well, ignore the hypocrisy. After all you certainly don't want to succeed, do you?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Don't keep your word.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">If you say you'll do something, like call or meet or send a picture, you don't really have to, since no one is watching. No one cares if you're a no show or don't return calls. They'll just think you're a flake and you will therefore fail.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Fail to show up.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">OK, this is a repeat. But I can tell you from vast experience that not showing up when you say you will is really a good way to avoid relationships, tricks, sex, and success. By the way, whatever you do, if you're not going to show up, never call the other person to warn them. Let your inaction tell them what kind of jerk you are.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Confuse discretion with deception.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The closet, after all, is really the safest place to be. We all understand that cheaters, liars, fakes and flakes have to be discreet.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Underestimate your friends.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Your friends don't really want to know the real you, so be careful not to tell them the important things in your heart. You're right to think that sharing fantasies, hopes, and desires is something that will end their friendship with you. A frivolous friendship is much better than a real one.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Live in fear.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">It really is better for you.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Don't make plans or time.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Making plans is dangerous because then you'll have to do something. In the same vein, setting aside time to reach your goals is no way to guarantee failure. We do agree, don't we, that sexual fulfillment of any kind is a very low priority, as are relationships and true friendships. Face it: your desires aren't worth making time for either.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Compromise your ethics, your ideals, or your dreams.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Only by compromising will you ensure that you'll never get what you truly want. It is as simple as that.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Ignore your faults.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">This is the most important activity. After all, the one certain thing is that the world and everyone in it is wrong, not you.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Have a great week, even if it is all by yourself. Jack<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">* * * * *<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to make a purchase.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/">http://www.LeatherViews.com</a>. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Be sure to visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com</div>Jack Rinellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13185727254622188664noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5744813183148873622.post-61864203469959956972011-12-04T08:57:00.000-08:002011-12-04T09:05:49.675-08:00The Cheating Trick<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;">It's the day before he's planning on coming over for sex. I'll call him Jeff, since I don't even know his real name. I do know that he is 26, has had multiple BDSM experiences with men, lives with his fiancée of three years, and his marriage date is about two months away.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I met him about a year ago, when he came over for sex. As per my usual practice, when he arrived we sat in the living room to talk about what might transpire between us. For some reason we hadn't talked very much on the phone, which is my preferable way to begin negotiations. When I asked him if he was single, he admitted to living with his girlfriend.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">We spoke about that for a while and I gave him my standard spiel: "Cheating is a slippery slope. You think you can get this gay thing out of your system or that you can cheat forever without being caught, but that's not going to happen."<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I wrote about this topic many years ago. It was a difficult essay and the difficulty has not gone away. Tricking under these circumstances is participating in a lie, is being hypocritical, and contributes to the likely trauma of an unfortunate and difficult breakup.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I've been there. Late in 1973 at the age of 27, I discovered my attraction to men. For the next ten years, I struggled with my homosexuality, denying and repressing my feelings until, usually during a full moon, I could no longer do so. It was on those nights that I snuck away to an adult bookstore or a gay bar, had a quick sexual encounter and, full of guilt, went home to my family.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">It was a slippery slope. In the early years I cheated only sporadically, in fact rarely, but over time the lure of male flesh grew stronger and stronger, my infidelity increased, and deception wove an ever-stronger web. By 1980 or so, my wife and I were in counseling and the struggle to admit my real self began in earnest. It was no easy journey.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I lived in dread of losing everything and in some ways, for some time, I almost did. 28 years after our divorce, the wounds are healed (I think), my ex-wife happily married, my children accepting of my life, and there is no need for deception. The happy ending, though, masks much heartache and many tears. Believe me, death is easier to cope with than divorce, especially when there are two young children involved.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">When Jeff contacted me last week about meeting, I knew that we had met before but I didn't remember the circumstances. This time, though, we were able to have a discussion on the phone and he reminded me of the last meeting, where he had left after my lecture about his girlfriend.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">A year later his desires continue. "Why me?" I asked.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">"Because I think you have the experience to make me go through with it," he replied.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">In each of his past encounters he has come to a point in the scene where he abruptly left, unable to cope with the intensity of the BDSM. Now he hopes that I won't stop the flogging or the beating, the pain or the sex, that I will give him a "no escape" experience.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I can't help but think of myself in his position. Of course, I never met a person like me when I was going through this process. One or two guys suggested I stop cheating and be faithful to my wife, another told me I needed a gay therapist, but by and large it was silent and anonymous sex.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I tried everything except "Ex-gay Therapy," including confession, repentance, and exorcism. After all, while I was cheating I was pastor of a conservative, Bible-believing church. None of it worked (and doesn't). The more I promised myself "Never again," the more frequently I broke my word.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">OK, enough about me. What about Jeff?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Do I tell him to forget me? Do I urge him to come out? Do I say "Cancel the wedding plans and find a counselor to help you fix this mess?"<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">You know, don't you, that I'm not only writing about Jeff. We live in a world of hypocrites (and yes you can include me).<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I have no answer to eliminating hypocrisy. It is everywhere: in politics, in churches, in sex, in munches, in paying taxes and in neighborhood taverns, local schools, in public dungeons and private affairs.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Likewise I will admit that Jesus condemned hypocrisy much more often than homosexuality. In the four gospels (King James Version) the word hypocrisy and its derivatives appear 24 times. The word homosexuality, not once.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I don't have an answer as to what I should do. There are several courses of action to take: Do nothing; Lecture him and send him home; Give him the "no escape" experience he desires; Find his fiancée and tell her what's going on; Go the wedding the stand up when the minister asks if anyone objects; Film or photograph the scene and use it as evidence against him; etc.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">My feelings are rather strong about all this, though by no means certain. As you may tell from the above, I am filled with thoughts of my own process and, in fact, rather grateful for the gay men who helped me slip down the slope.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I am also rather certain about the need to be non-judgmental, even tolerant of Jeff's plight. There is part of me that imagines that a hot scene with no escape will convince him to come clean. Most of me thinks I am making much too much of all this and that <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">"Que Sera, Sera,<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Whatever will be, will be<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The future's not ours, to see<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Que Sera, Sera<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">What will be, will be."<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 1.0in;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Without completely re-living and re-writing my own history, there is no changing my life, my decisions, and my indiscretions. What I went through was the process of learning who I was, what that meant, and who was the authentic "me." It is the same for each of us, Jeff included. I wish him luck.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Postscript a week later: Jeff didn't show up as scheduled.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Have a great week. Jack<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">* * * * *<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/" target="_blank">my website</a> to make a purchase.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/">http://www.LeatherViews.com</a>. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Be sure to visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com</div>Jack Rinellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13185727254622188664noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5744813183148873622.post-83329149312449182362011-11-27T08:55:00.000-08:002011-11-27T08:55:25.447-08:00Creating an Enduring Relationship<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;">As most of you know, we are a kinky family of several partners, <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/kinkyinfo/9448.htm" target="_blank">polyamorous</a> if you want the technical term. So we have Master Lynn, a friend of nearly 20 years, in our home; Patrick, my slave of more than 16 years; and Craig, a part-time long distant slave in Iowa who visits every six to eight weeks.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Added to that, I've been seeking to own an <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/The%20Object.pdf" target="_blank">object</a>, that is a man who is completely surrendered and whom I can treat as "my thing." This past week we've had an object-applicant (animal) staying with us, which prompts another object-applicant (Chicago object) to ask "How would this affect anything that you and I might pursue?"<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">My answer flows from several of the principles I apply when I create a relationship. Let me explain each of them.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">First off, as you may have noted in the last paragraph, I believe that <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/jackswriting/partnersinpower.htm" target="_blank">relationships are created</a>. At least the best relationships are created. Sure there are times when they just "happen" but I have found that when they do they are less likely to endure. Creating, you see, takes time, negotiation, and arriving at a mutual understanding of how the relationship will work both in principle and in reality.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">There ought not be a rush to have a relationship. You can start one but let it grow slowly and naturally before you say it's ready to "go live." <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">That <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/cols/column.asp?id=80" target="_blank">negotiation</a> entails a myriad of "what" questions. Chicago object and I have been negotiating for almost a year about such topics as health, finances, sex and fetish, friendships and social life, chores, career, schedules, limits, affection, and dealing with multiple relationships.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The basis of a healthy relationship resides within the realm of one's authenticity. Beyond ego, lust or infatuation lies the real me and the real you. The best relationships recognize the authentic in each partner and (here's the catch) the partners complement one another's authentic selves.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The problem, of course, is that one's authenticity may not be easily known, especially in the passion of first meeting. Yet if we pause to consider what is authentic while we create the relationship, we are much better off than if we dive in half-cocked, half-cooked, and half-crazy.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Another important consideration is<a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/cols/column.asp?id=497" target="_blank"> vocabulary</a>. Having the same definition for the same word facilitates good communication. Having different definitions only causes difficulty. What, for instance, is a "husband" and what are his duties? The same can be asked of a master, slave, daddy, mommy, boy, girl, etc. It is also a matter of finding if your expectations are compatible. What do you expect when you begin living together? Expect for duties and responsibilities? Expect for the future?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Just as we need to discuss expectations, we need to know what the underlying assumptions are. It is easy to ignore one's assumptions, thereby having contradictory assumptions that will eventually cause problems. Having to say "Oh, I thought you meant…" six months into a relationship is not a pleasant event.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Each of these questions are compounded when the relationship includes more than two. What do, for instance, Lynn, Patrick and Iowa boy expect from an object? How will the object treat each of these men and how will they treat him?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I have long thought that every relationship is created by the two people in it, if only because one consents to the other's design. Looking at it in that way, then, the couple needs to consider their own needs, goals, and desires while they consider the hopes and fears of the rest of the family.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">It may seem like a lot to consider but there is wisdom in doing so before the tangles of emotions, finances, social obligations, house-sharing and love weave a bond that becomes a straight jacket. Better cover the eventualities now rather than later.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">But of course, none of the above really answers the applicant's question: "How would this affect anything that you and I might pursue?" He's not asking about theory, he wants to know how a second object will change the relationship. In some aspects it wouldn't and in others it would. Let's see.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">He and animal will have the same rules. The principles of objectification: obedience, subjugation, domination, control, and humiliation apply to both of them. No change there.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">There are areas where having two objects changes the scenario:<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">First, there will be less chores for each of them, since they will now be shared. Animal, who is retired, has much more time to "serve the house" than does Chicago object. Therefore he will carry the bulk of those chores while Chicago object works at his daytime job.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Secondly, since there is only one of me, they will each have less face-to-face time with me for sex. One will be "stored" while the other serves me. That's not to say there won't be three ways and sharing of the objects with others.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I believe that having multiple objects (as opposed to be the "only" one) will increase the feeling of being an object, as they experience being ignored while another has my attention.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Most importantly each of them has different talents and abilities, hence their lives will vary based on the optimal use each has. For instance, it is obvious that animal is very skilled in house keeping and enjoys doing it. Chicago object is younger, trimmer and desires public exposure and will therefore be more likely to be on exhibit, i.e., a bound figure in the living room.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The simplest answer is that each of us is a unique being with varying skills, abilities, and desires. It is these important characteristics that must be taken into account when relationships are constructed.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Have a great week. Jack<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">* * * * *<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/" target="_blank">website</a> to make a purchase.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/">http://www.LeatherViews.com</a>. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Be sure to visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com</div>Jack Rinellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13185727254622188664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5744813183148873622.post-8837611158210946412011-09-28T09:44:00.000-07:002011-10-27T08:09:51.117-07:00Catching Up<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;">It doesn't seem possible that the last blog I wrote was posted on July 8, but that is the correct date. So here I am, more than two months later, writing. The only excuse is that I was busy. "Busy doing what?" you may ask.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Let's see: interviewing object applicants, gardening, finishing and publishing my first novel, building some new dungeon furniture, reading about Jung's interpretation of the "dark side," digging a fish pond and preparing to retire.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">So where do I start?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Many people think I'm younger than I really am, so they are surprised to hear that I turn 65 soon. That means I'll finally have health insurance once again. It also means that I can collect a regular check from Social Security. Boy has this changed my financial life.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I think I've written that I have replanted my garden from vegetables to flowers in order to provide a place for butterflies to feed. I didn't know that doing so would also attract Golden Finches to eat the flower seeds. It has been fun to garden and even more fun to watch the butterflies.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Then I decided to build a little fountain, to which I then added a little pool, and then some little water plants, and finally a little gold fish. Well the little gold fish has grown and I have caught the garden pond bug. I'm digging pond (4 ft by 4 ft and 4 ft deep). No wonder I'm looking for slaves. Digging a pond is hard work!<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">That gives me a natural segue to my dungeon. Searching for an object to own (I prefer to call it a "dark slave") requires that I have the proper space to keep it. That means that my dungeon has to be well-equipped with bondage devices, there needs to various bolts in the house to attach it to for proper storage, and that specialized tools will be available for its treatment.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">So I had Patrick buy a food chopper so the object could more easily eat its food out of a bowl without using its hands. I bolted a hook to the floor underneath the desk where it will work and another one under the porch so that it could be outside when we were. I know this shows an extra amount of care on my part, but that just indicates what a wonderful master I am.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I also made the effort to buy it a set of shackles on ebay. Considerate, aren't I?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I began accepting applications for an object in the middle of last November. To date, 187 men have contacted me, each of them sending me their email address, their chat ID and many of them their phone number. I find that I get (on the average) two new applicants a week and that most of them don't last very long before the conversation is over. You can read more about this on my website at "<a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/The%Object.pdf">http://www.LeatherViews.com/The%Object.pdf</a>" <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">On the other hand, at present I have four men on the active "short list." All of them are making plans to come for a trial visit. The first one arrived on last Tuesday. His "trial period" was cut short by the flu. That meant that it spent most of its time sleeping and not doing much else. On the other hand it confirmed for him that my dungeon felt like home to him and that I was a capable master. We both hope that it's healthier for its next visit.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/images/LgAllianceCover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://www.leatherviews.com/images/LgAllianceCover.jpg" width="132" /></a></div><span style="font-family: Arial;">The big news, of course, is that my first novel, "<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Dionysian-Alliance-Novel-Religion-Murder/dp/0940267233/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1317227674&sr=8-1">The Dionysian Alliance</a>," is finally finished, in print, and for sale. As I say in one of my promotional blurbs: "When you throw in a few glasses of wine, sex and religion mix very well. Add the mysterious murder of a temple prostitute and you have the makings of a great story." You can read a free preview of the book at <a href="https://www.createspace.com/pub/community/give.review.do?id=1087247&rewrite=true">https://www.createspace.com/pub/community/give.review.do?id=1087247&rewrite=true</a><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">There are times when I think that writing a book is easier than selling it. This is one of those times. With the thousands of books published each year, the competition for notice is quite high. Here is where friends like you can help. Forward this email on to your friends. Post it on a newsgroup. Go to Amazon.com, search for "Dionysian Alliance," and click on the "like" button. Buy the book, read it, and write a review of it. Any or all of those actions will help. Thanks in advance.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The book is available in both print and electronic form. Go to <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/jackswriting/Alliance.htm">http://www.leatherviews.com/jackswriting/Alliance.htm</a> to read more information about "The Dionysian Alliance."<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to make a purchase. Have a great week. Jack<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial;">You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/">http://www.LeatherViews.com</a>. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Be sure to visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com</div>Jack Rinellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13185727254622188664noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5744813183148873622.post-42865436670165018412011-07-08T10:48:00.000-07:002011-07-08T10:48:55.531-07:00The object's feelings<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Some seven months have passed since I began negotiations with "Chicago object," a man who lives here in the Windy City. Our dialogue has inspired more than one essay, as frequent readers of my blog might recall. Recently the topic of feelings has come up. I'll begin with quotes from our email exchanges, though that only illustrates part of our conversation, since we also communicate by phone, text messages and an occasional face-to-face meeting.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Chicago object wrote: "I understand. I do need the clarity, and I appreciate your efforts to make things clear. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I hope you understand where I am in this process. I feel like I am drawn to the edge of a precipice. There is nothing that excites or stimulates me in quite the same way…</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Ok. I understand. What is your definition of "severe bondage"? How would you describe it?</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dark Lord wrote: "Relative immobility... but not so constrictive that your blood doesn't flow. Come over and I'll put you in it...."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Chicago object wrote: "I will come over and submit to this...and perhaps spend quite a bit of time in it...once I feel able to take the first steps."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dark Lord wrote: "Remind me to discuss the place and role of feelings in one's life."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Chicago object wrote: "I guess as an object my feelings will not really matter: I may be bored or uncomfortable, but hopefully knowing that I am feeling those feelings because I am under control will allow me to accept and appreciate them."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dark Lord wrote: "I certainly disagree with that idea. It [you] will have to learn to balance its feelings with its thoughts and beliefs. It really is an expansive topic."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Chicago object wrote: "I know, it is expansive. You disagree with my assessment about the importance of my feelings?"</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I will be the last one to denigrate the place of feelings in the life of a human, even those humans who consider themselves "sub-human" or want to become "objects."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Let me start with my dictionary. Feelings are "an affective state, such as that resulting from emotions or desires; an awareness or impression; susceptibility to emotional response; opinion based more on emotion than on reason; sentiment; intuitive awareness or aptitude."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">From there I'd remind my readers that I believe in the need for balance, to live a holistic life. Holism is "the theory that living matter or reality is made up of organic or unified wholes that are greater than the simple sum of their parts." It emphasizes "the importance of the whole and the interdependence of its parts." Therefore a holistic approach recognizes the value and contribution of the various human qualities, i.e., emotion, reason, physicality, social norms, etc. while maintaining a balance of each in its proper relationship to the "whole" person.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So, Chicago object, I'm not disagreeing with your "assessment about the importance of [your] feelings." I'm only reminding you that feelings must be balanced by all the other aspects of living. Just because, for instance, you don't feel like going to work, doesn't mean that you ignore the financial necessity of doing so.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Although we most often contrast decisions based on feelings with those based on reason, most human decisions have a strong component of feelings in arriving at an eventual outcome. In many cases feelings can easily take precedent over reason when the reason is rather inconsequential, such as in the choice of a restaurant or a movie.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In any case we need seek the center, the balanced state when it comes to feelings, so that (1) they are neither denied nor repressed and (2) that they don't hold inordinate sway in our decision-making.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One of the primary reasons to be wary of feeling-based decisions is the remarkably transitory nature of feelings. I know. My feelings change from hour-to-hour, day-to-day, and month-to-month. I have gone through seemingly long periods of feeling good and then have plunged into depression.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Not only are feelings fleeting, we can make them flee. Too often we forget that fact and "feel" mired in a certain feeling, helpless to control it. Yet we can and often do.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Depression, to use myself as an example, brings many aspects of my life to a halt. I find myself nearly paralyzed in useless activity. Even then there are things I can do that will change my mood, such as gardening, napping, meditating, having sex, or walking the dog. Sometimes external circumstances change my mood, such as receiving a royalty check, hearing from my daughters, or enjoying a fine, Patrick-cooked meal.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At one point, Chicago object even admitted that such was the case when he said he was "going to run three miles to clear [his] head."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Feelings play an important part in Chicago object's journey to objectification. He wrote: "As you know, I have a great deal of ambivalence. There are times when I felt like the timing was right to embark on this (like when I came over that night in March).</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Last night I was almost tempted to start this, but of course other plans for the rest of the week got in the way. I know it is up to me. I know that once I have started I will have time to reflect, and perhaps I will have regrets. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"I guess as an object my feelings will not really matter: I may be bored or uncomfortable, but hopefully knowing that I am feeling those feelings because I am under control will allow me to accept and appreciate them."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What is ambivalent are his feelings and his inaction in pursuing objectification is based on the frequent changes in his feelings. When he writes "I guess as an object my feelings will not really matter," there is an indication of his failure to regard his feelings correctly. Even chained in my dungeon he will experience feelings. There is no way to not do so.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Feelings arise from one's unconsciousness, prompted by all sorts of factors that I'm not sure we can always account for. The most obvious of these is a burst of passion where we end up saying to ourselves "Where did that come from?"</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For that reason, our unconscious is called the dark side or unknown, as opposed to our conscious mind of which we are very aware.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">One of the fallacies in Chicago object's thought process is that he is waiting for his feelings to indicate when he should start a three day trial period in my dungeon. Time and again he makes plans for the future that fail to include time for the trial period, then uses these plans as a reason not to try it out. </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">His methodology lacks holism. He has no idea (since he has no experience in this matter) how he will feel once the shackles are in place and he finds himself a solitary "object" in my basement. Yes, he can guess about those feelings and hope that they will be satisfactory, but only experience, objective, non-emotional experience will give him enough information to make a balanced decision as to how to proceed. Only when he submits to it will he finally know how it "feels."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In this case, what I think is taking place is that he routinely gives sway to his current "feelings" about objectification while failing to allow some time for an experiential or reasoned approach.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">At times, of course, his feelings about objectification are prominent. It is then that he texts me and we begin yet another round of questions and answers. What is most interesting (and encouraging to me) is that he consistently ends up by saying "Yes, Sir, you are right about that." He gets to that point where he is "almost tempted to start this, but of course other plans for the rest of the week [get] in the way."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Having discussed objectification with Chicago object rather thoroughly, I am convinced that he will find himself quite satisfied with his objectified state. That is to say, his feelings will confirm the rightness of his decision.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That, of course, is what I have written about repeatedly in my columns and books: try each of the fetishes with an open mind so that in due time you will have learned what you like and what you don't like. It is that technique that has served me well over these 30 years. It will serve all of us, including Chicago object, just as well.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He wrote: "I feel like I am drawn to the edge of a precipice. There is nothing that excites or stimulates me in quite the same way." Come and try it, Chicago object. Only then will you know the rightness of the feelings you currently have.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;">You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/">http://www.LeatherViews.com</a></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;">. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.</span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Be sure to visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com</div>Jack Rinellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13185727254622188664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5744813183148873622.post-13299151466063674842011-06-28T11:02:00.000-07:002011-06-28T11:02:19.115-07:00Pacing a Scene<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">An expert artist moves through three stages: technician, craftsman and finally master artist. Like them we begin by learning techniques, then practice those techniques to refine our craft, and one day we're doing it so well it has become an art.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Good scenes have good pacing, or timing, if you will. Like a symphony they have a variety of rhythms, moods, tones, and <a href="http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=5744813183148873622" name="OLE_LINK1">crescendos and diminuendos</a>. I was recently asked to speak about pacing a scene and thought that you all might be interested in those thoughts as well.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Over and beyond the fact of "fetish" there are many facets to a scene, including speed, action, sensitivity, spontaneity, variety, rhythm, and environment. I can't really tell you how to pace a scene but I can write about the factors that contribute to good pacing. Technique, after all, isn't limited to simply the actions involved in a specific fetish. There are both physical and psychic (or psychological if you prefer) characteristics that both top and bottom need to attend to, if a scene is to become truly artful.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Each characteristic has its own importance and the "whole" of them becomes greater than their sum. While there is a possible ranking among them, to think of them in that context may have the adverse effect of ruining a scene. Room temperature, for an example, might be just as important as one's ability to read body language, even if adjusting the thermostat is an easier task to accomplish.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">That said, it seems to me that the most expert players have developed their ability to "read" their partners and therefore interpret the progress of the scene in such a way as to improve it. Reading in this context combines an array of talents that includes the following: <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Watching body movements, especially how one's bottom is breathing, tensing or responding. Is their chest heaving? Is she breathing deeply? Are his breaths slow or is he going to begin to hyperventilate? Can she breathe properly or is the gag too restrictive or is she forgetting to breathe?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Listen to their grunts and groans. It's not just grunts and groans either. What about sighs or vocal comments? Can we tell the difference between "No don't stop" and "No. Don't. Stop?" If we stop will they be relieved or disappointed? What I am dealing with here is sensitivity to our partner. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The dictionary helps here. Sensitive: "Capable of perceiving with a sense or senses; Susceptible to the attitudes, feelings, or circumstances of others; Readily alerted by the action of an agent; Registering very slight differences or changes." Notice that it has to do with perception, feelings, and very slight differences. To be successfully sensitive one must take care, be quiet, and act slowly, while continuing to accurately process the information.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Feel their bodies for heat and sweat, as well as to reinforce the sensation of the scene with a mixture of "sweet and sour." Among the important techniques is to use one's hands during a scene. Now that might be easily understood while spanking or fisting, but it is equally important in whipping and paddling. Caresses during an impact scene, for instance, go a long way to help the bottom continue in the scene as well as give important feedback to the top. They also afford the additional advantage of helping to improve the pace of a scene. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Maintain an inner silence or awareness that listens for intuitive clues. Some of this, in fact, is an extrasensory perception while some is also simply taking time to evaluate the external sensations we are receiving on a physical level. Too often we can become so involved in what we're doing that we fail to take the time necessary to ask ourselves "How are we doing?" or "How are they doing?"<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Pace also has to do with timing. The best scenes have a natural tempo to them, generally beginning with slow and easy and progressing to quick, intense, and hard. This, of course, is not a steady climb upward but one of peaks and lulls, as in "crescendos and diminuendos." It is important to note that the diminutive parts of the scene are just as important as the intense ones. It is the variety that creates the successful play. It is the pause that underlines and reinforces the activity.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">What I've written thus far seems to place all the responsibility on the top and that is not at all the case. It is quite necessary for the bottom to provide clear feedback. In fact, "toughening it out" can actually ruin a scene. If the bottom isn't sending signals, or even worse is sending false ones, the scene is destined for failure. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Actions play an important part as well. We can't forget the value of knowing good technique and using it. Likewise actions need to be varied, which is another way of looking at pacing. Therefore it's fundamental that actions need to be studied, practiced and learned.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Good pacing isn't just part of the scene. It is also found in good negotiations, good preparation of the scene's venue, and in the aftercare, which is just as much a part of the scene as the fetish play itself.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">That thought leads us to consider the environment: temperature, humidity, sound (both helpful and distracting) and privacy or the lack thereof. Is there water and/or juice handy? A place to take a break in the scene, since breaks are a good way to get feedback and to diminish the action in preparation for increasing it later.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Lastly, we need to recognize the value of spontaneity. A good scene is part choreography and part spontaneous modification of the scene to fit the flow, pacing, and feedback of the scene. Be open to adjust your activity, your speed and intensity, as well as your "plans."<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">And in all of this, be sure to have fun.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to make a purchase. <span style="color: black;">You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/">http://www.LeatherViews.com</a>. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Be sure to visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com</div>Jack Rinellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13185727254622188664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5744813183148873622.post-1186191308911220202011-06-13T13:33:00.000-07:002011-06-13T13:33:03.426-07:00What Are You Saying?<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I had my first gay encounter in late 1973 and didn't get honest with myself and my family until my divorce ten years later. During that time, I was greatly conflicted, confused, and guilt-ridden. Time and again I would "repent" and promise myself that I would never again seek out men for sex. I repeatedly did so, over and over again in a cycle of lust, gay sex, remorse, repentance, quiet, and the eventual resurgence of irresistible lust for men.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It took some three or four years of counseling to "come clean." Most of that time I told my therapists (there were three different ones but that is another story) that I wanted to be hetero, save my marriage, do what was "right." Yet over and over again, when he asked me if I had been cruising adult bookstores for sex, I answered "Yes."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Finally, Dr. John, my therapist at the time, told me how he analyzed patients. "When a client," he said, "says one thing and does another, I always listen to what he does." It was that night that I was hit in the gut with the truth, the lights went on, and I had no choice but to accept myself as who I was, a gay man. That night the lies stopped, the hypocrisy and denial ended, and I began to build a new life, a life that was the real me, my authentic self.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Needless to say, my life was changed forever. I would also point out that the lightening bolt was only the first of many things that happened. Becoming truthful is a long, arduous and very painful process. It involved essentially changing every facet of my life: my relationship to my wife, my children, my family and friends; my job; my home-life and where I lived; my self-image; my lifestyle; and every aspect of my social life. The old Joe died that night and had to take years to be reborn as the man I was meant to be.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I can hardly be telling this story for sympathy. The final result has brought me happiness, contentment, self-confidence, and a large loving family. And I think it's safe to say that my children, who with their mother bore most of the pain, have forgiven me, accept me, and love me. Their mom is happily married as well.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dr. John's lesson wasn't new. My mom taught me the cliché, "Actions speak louder than words," long before I left home at age 17. They were true every time she said them and they are still true today. Unfortunately they didn't register in my brain until I was 36 years old.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I bring this subject up now because I find myself in a kinky subculture filled with words without actions. Promises (weak ones to be sure) to call me or come for a visit go unfulfilled. We decry leaders with our words and give them no advice, no encouragement, and little assistance. We say we want education while we prefer to attend parties. We share fantasies ad nauseam and do little to find ways to make them actual.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">OK. Let me be clear: The generalities in the above paragraph are just that – generalities. I can give you numerous exceptions to my bitches. Exceptions, though, are just that, i.e., "a case that does not conform to a rule or generalization."</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So ask yourself the important question: "What do my actions say?" It is only then that you will find the way to live fully, honestly, and clearly.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What might your actions say? Most anything, that's for sure, but you might want to look at these possibilities:</span><br />
<ul type="disc"><li><span class="bodya" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Honestly, the time's not right. Get to it later.</span></li>
<li class="bodya"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You just don't want to do it. Check your reasons for thinking you do want it as they might not be really good reasons. You may only think you do in order to avoid some conflict or to please someone else.</span></li>
<li class="bodya"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's just not that important to you, so give it up.</span></li>
<li class="bodya"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You need help doing it. Ask for help.</span></li>
<li class="bodya"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You aren't being honest about your priorities. Make a list and prioritize it so you can do what is important and let the less important things go away for another day.</span></li>
<li class="bodya"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You are afraid of the consequences of doing what you are saying you want to do. Explore your fear and the reasons you have it. Can you overcome it? If not, admit the truth and move on to something less threatening. </span></li>
</ul><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You see, we really do need to act honestly if we are going to have a healthy community, a healthy life, and healthy relationships. For yourself and for everyone else, please do so. We all have a lot to gain.</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/">http://www.LeatherViews.com</a>. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.</span><div class="blogger-post-footer">Be sure to visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com</div>Jack Rinellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13185727254622188664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5744813183148873622.post-37461253904269793372011-05-25T11:25:00.000-07:002011-05-25T11:25:20.819-07:00Reflections on My SurveyMy first thought about the survey I passed out two weeks ago is that the next time I have an idea like that I'm going to ask my friends at CARAS (https://carasresearch.org/) to help me do it. I can't believe I forgot to ask for demographic data, such as age, gender, and time in the lifestyle. I'm no Mr. Gallup, that's for sure.<br />
<br />
But, hey, it was a spur-of-the-moment idea and that's what you answered.<br />
<br />
My first reaction was to the question about sex. As you might know there is a raging controversy as to whether BDSM is about sex or not. The answers are rather conclusive. "Is the about sex?" 80% answered "hell yes" or "the more the merrier." Of course that doesn't tell me whether more is a three-way or more is just more sex with the same person. Either way… it is about sex. As a matter of fact the questions ranks lowest in the "No" category, gaining only 1.6% who felt that way.<br />
<br />
On the other end of the scale, scat (shit play) is the big bug-a-boo with 40.68% saying "No way." That was followed by Needles at 34.2%, Piss at 24.3% and Breath Control at 22.8%. The chart below gives the highest ranked choice in each category:<br />
<br />
Sex 44.7 Hell, yes<br />
Scat 40.8 No and I'll rim a clean hole (tied)<br />
Needles 34.2 I hate going to the doctors<br />
Genitorture 30.8 That hurts. Do it again<br />
Bondage 28.1 The Tighter the better<br />
Cages 27.0 Sure that might be fun<br />
Puppy Play 24.9 We need to buy some knee pads<br />
Piss 24.3 No or I'll rim a clean hole (tied)<br />
D/s 22.8 I want to serve you<br />
Breath Control 22.8 No and A little pressure (tied)<br />
Whip 22.3 Make it hurt<br />
Tit Play 21.7 Clamps with rubber protectors<br />
Ass Play 17.9 Use your dick<br />
Verbal Abuse 13.8 I love it when you talk dirty.<br />
<br />
<br />
The results are posted below. I'm going to take the easy way out and let you come to your own conclusions. If you are receiving a text version of this column, you can read the formatted version at leathermusings.blogspot.com.<br />
<br />
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><colgroup><col width="75"></col> <col width="186"></col> <col span="2" width="96"></col> <col span="2" width="64"></col> </colgroup><tbody>
<tr> <td colspan="4" width="453"><a href="http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=5744813183148873622" id="RANGE!A1:F228" name="RANGE!A1:F228">1</a></td> <td width="64"></td> <td width="64"></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="4" width="453">Shall I whip you?</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">Answer Options</td> <td width="96">Response Percent</td> <td width="96">Response Count</td> <td>Whipping</td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">1. Not at all</td> <td>3.2%</td> <td>14</td> <td>No</td> <td align="right">3.2%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">2. Deerskin sensations only</td> <td>2.0%</td> <td>9</td> <td>Low Mid</td> <td align="right">61.7%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">3. Mildly until I say stop</td> <td>5.4%</td> <td>24</td> <td>High Mid</td> <td align="right">32.3%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">4. A little red is nice</td> <td>17.8%</td> <td>79</td> <td>Extreme</td> <td align="right">2.7%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">5. Make it hurt</td> <td>22.3%</td> <td>99</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">6. Make me cry</td> <td>14.2%</td> <td>63</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">7. Black and blue is better</td> <td>8.4%</td> <td>37</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">8. Welts</td> <td>15.8%</td> <td>70</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">9. Blisters</td> <td>2.5%</td> <td>11</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">10. Blood</td> <td>5.6%</td> <td>25</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">11. Hamburger anyone?</td> <td>2.7%</td> <td>12</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3" width="357">Other (please specify)</td> <td>19</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">answered question</td> <td>443</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">skipped question</td> <td>14</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td align="right" colspan="4" width="453">2</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="4" width="453">Want to do scat?</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">Answer Options</td> <td width="96">Response Percent</td> <td width="96">Response Count</td> <td>Scat</td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">1. No way</td> <td>40.8%</td> <td>182</td> <td>No</td> <td align="right">40.8%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">2. I'll kiss a clean ass</td> <td>8.5%</td> <td>38</td> <td>Low Mid</td> <td align="right">52.6%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">3. I'll rim a clean hole</td> <td>40.8%</td> <td>182</td> <td>High Mid</td> <td align="right">4.7%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">4. A dry fart is OK</td> <td>2.0%</td> <td>9</td> <td>Extreme</td> <td align="right">1.8%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">5. Give me a wet fart</td> <td>0.4%</td> <td>2</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">6. I like the taste of dingle berries</td> <td>0.9%</td> <td>4</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">7. Let me clean your dirty hole</td> <td>3.6%</td> <td>16</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">8. I'm a wiper</td> <td>0.9%</td> <td>4</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">9. I'm a flusher</td> <td>0.2%</td> <td>1</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">10. I'm a shit-eating pig. Bring on the turds.</td> <td>1.8%</td> <td>8</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3" width="357">Other (please specify)</td> <td>16</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">answered question</td> <td>446</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">skipped question</td> <td>11</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td align="right" colspan="4" width="453">3</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="4" width="453">Are you into Golden Showers (piss)?</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">Answer Options</td> <td width="96">Response Percent</td> <td width="96">Response Count</td> <td>Piss</td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">1. That's a private thing. Not here please</td> <td>24.3%</td> <td>105</td> <td>No</td> <td align="right">24.3%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">2. I'll smell that drop on your genitals</td> <td>3.0%</td> <td>13</td> <td>Low Mid</td> <td align="right">29.2%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">3. Can I taste it?</td> <td>1.4%</td> <td>6</td> <td>High Mid</td> <td align="right">27.3%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">4. Well if you only want to piss ON me, that's OK</td> <td>13.9%</td> <td>60</td> <td>Extreme</td> <td align="right">19.2%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">5. I think you need to give me a shower</td> <td>10.9%</td> <td>47</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">6. A little on my lips is alright</td> <td>7.4%</td> <td>32</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">7. I'll drink it.</td> <td>5.1%</td> <td>22</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">8. Give it to me right from the tap</td> <td>14.8%</td> <td>64</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">9. Hell, yes. Don't waste that beer. Recycle it.</td> <td>19.2%</td> <td>83</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3" width="357">Other (please specify)</td> <td>24</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">answered question</td> <td>432</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">skipped question</td> <td>25</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td align="right" colspan="4" width="453">4</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="4" width="453">How much may I control you?</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">Answer Options</td> <td width="96">Response Percent</td> <td width="96">Response Count</td> <td>D/s</td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">1. We're equals Mister. Get over it</td> <td>2.2%</td> <td>10</td> <td>No</td> <td align="right">2.2%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">2. A little give and take is fun</td> <td>4.9%</td> <td>22</td> <td>Low Mid</td> <td align="right">31.2%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">3. I'll do most of what you say</td> <td>4.2%</td> <td>19</td> <td>High Mid</td> <td align="right">52.4%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">4. I like pleasing people</td> <td>7.6%</td> <td>34</td> <td>Extreme</td> <td align="right">14.1%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">5. Can we do it in the dungeon only</td> <td>5.6%</td> <td>25</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">6. It's OK for role play</td> <td>8.9%</td> <td>40</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">7. I want to serve you</td> <td>22.8%</td> <td>102</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">8. I want to be your slave</td> <td>15.8%</td> <td>71</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">9. I want to obey you always</td> <td>13.8%</td> <td>62</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">10. You are my god</td> <td>14.1%</td> <td>63</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3" width="357">Other (please specify)</td> <td>14</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">answered question</td> <td>448</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">skipped question</td> <td>9</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td></td> <td></td> <td align="right">54.0%</td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td align="right" colspan="4" width="453">5</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="4" width="453">Is this about sex?</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">Answer Options</td> <td width="96">Response Percent</td> <td width="96">Response Count</td> <td>Sex</td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">1. No. I'm saving myself</td> <td>1.6%</td> <td>7</td> <td>No</td> <td align="right">1.6%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">2. Cuddling only</td> <td>1.4%</td> <td>6</td> <td>Low Mid</td> <td align="right">12.2%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">3. Fondling and kissing is OK but keep your clothes on</td> <td>0.9%</td> <td>4</td> <td>High Mid</td> <td align="right">50.9%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">4. Groping is nice</td> <td>1.8%</td> <td>8</td> <td>Extreme</td> <td align="right">35.3%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">5. Give it to me skin to skin</td> <td>2.3%</td> <td>10</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">6. Sure but no penetration</td> <td>5.8%</td> <td>25</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">7. Sure but only anal penetration. I want to stay a virgin</td> <td>0.7%</td> <td>3</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">8. What the Hell. I love you</td> <td>5.5%</td> <td>24</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">9. Sex? Hell yes</td> <td>44.7%</td> <td>194</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">10. The more the merrier</td> <td>35.3%</td> <td>153</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3" width="357">Other (please specify)</td> <td>27</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">answered question</td> <td>434</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">skipped question</td> <td>23</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td align="right" colspan="4" width="453">6</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="4" width="453">Bondage anyone?</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">Answer Options</td> <td width="96">Response Percent</td> <td width="96">Response Count</td> <td>Bondage</td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">1. No thanks</td> <td>1.7%</td> <td>7</td> <td>No</td> <td align="right">1.7%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">2. You know, ribbons might be nice</td> <td>0.7%</td> <td>3</td> <td>Low Mid</td> <td align="right">12.5%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">3. Can we try those handcuffs for a little while</td> <td>11.8%</td> <td>50</td> <td>High Mid</td> <td align="right">80.0%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">4. Rope is relaxing</td> <td>26.2%</td> <td>111</td> <td>Extreme</td> <td align="right">5.9%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">5. The tighter the better</td> <td>28.1%</td> <td>119</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">6. Got any plastic wrap</td> <td>7.3%</td> <td>31</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">7. Make me into a mummy</td> <td>18.4%</td> <td>78</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">8. Plaster casts are the best</td> <td>5.9%</td> <td>25</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3" width="357">Other (please specify)</td> <td>23</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">answered question</td> <td>424</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">skipped question</td> <td>33</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td align="right" colspan="4" width="453">7</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="4" width="453">Can we get anal?</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">Answer Options</td> <td width="96">Response Percent</td> <td width="96">Response Count</td> <td>Ass Play</td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">1. Don't touch that. I'm not queer</td> <td>2.3%</td> <td>10</td> <td>No</td> <td align="right">2.3%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">2. Well a little finger on the rim feels nice</td> <td>2.6%</td> <td>11</td> <td>Low Mid</td> <td align="right">25.7%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">3. Yeah you can feel my hole</td> <td>3.5%</td> <td>15</td> <td>High Mid</td> <td align="right">42.3%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">4. I actually like that</td> <td>7.0%</td> <td>30</td> <td>Extreme</td> <td align="right">29.8%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">5. Get some lube and go in further</td> <td>8.6%</td> <td>37</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">6. How many fingers is that?</td> <td>4.0%</td> <td>17</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">7. Try using your dick will you?</td> <td>17.9%</td> <td>77</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">8. Got anything bigger?</td> <td>6.7%</td> <td>29</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">9. Put on a glove, honey. This is love</td> <td>5.1%</td> <td>22</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">10. Are you in yet?</td> <td>0.5%</td> <td>2</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">11. Wow. I took the whole thing</td> <td>12.1%</td> <td>52</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">12. No. Don't take it out</td> <td>29.8%</td> <td>128</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3" width="357">Other (please specify)</td> <td>15</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">answered question</td> <td>430</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">skipped question</td> <td>27</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td align="right" colspan="4" width="453">8</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="4" width="453">Genitorture anyone?</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">Answer Options</td> <td width="96">Response Percent</td> <td width="96">Response Count</td> <td colspan="2">Genitorture</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">1. No. You can't hurt me there!</td> <td>3.3%</td> <td>14</td> <td>No</td> <td align="right">3.3%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">2. Touch me nice. I'm not into pain</td> <td>7.9%</td> <td>34</td> <td>Low Mid</td> <td align="right">54.1%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">3. Oh. That feels good</td> <td>15.4%</td> <td>66</td> <td>High Mid</td> <td align="right">39.2%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">4. Oh. That hurts. Do it again.</td> <td>30.8%</td> <td>132</td> <td>Extreme</td> <td align="right">3.3%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">5. Harder. I can take it</td> <td>8.6%</td> <td>37</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">6. I can take whatever you dish out</td> <td>7.2%</td> <td>31</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">7. Hit me there again. Harder. Harder.</td> <td>11.0%</td> <td>47</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">8. Pull them will you?</td> <td>12.4%</td> <td>53</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">9. You know. I think life would be easier without them</td> <td>3.3%</td> <td>14</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3" width="357">Other (please specify)</td> <td>16</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">answered question</td> <td>428</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">skipped question</td> <td>29</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td align="right" colspan="4" width="453">9</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="4" width="453">Can I needle you?</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">Answer Options</td> <td width="96">Response Percent</td> <td width="96">Response Count</td> <td colspan="2">Needle Play</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">1. I hate going to the doctors</td> <td>34.2%</td> <td>145</td> <td>No</td> <td align="right">34.2%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">2. Well, I'll try one if you promise not to hurt me</td> <td>15.3%</td> <td>65</td> <td>Low Mid</td> <td align="right">21.4%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">3. That was nothing. Can I watch the next time</td> <td>6.1%</td> <td>26</td> <td>High Mid</td> <td align="right">32.6%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">4. How about a nice design</td> <td>16.7%</td> <td>71</td> <td>Extreme</td> <td align="right">11.8%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">5. The more the merrier – oh we said that before, didn't we?</td> <td>5.7%</td> <td>24</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">6. What's your record? Let's go for it</td> <td>6.4%</td> <td>27</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">7. Make it bleed</td> <td>3.8%</td> <td>16</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">8. Oh what a pretty color red. Can I taste it?</td> <td>11.8%</td> <td>50</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3" width="357">Other (please specify)</td> <td>20</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">answered question</td> <td>424</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">skipped question</td> <td>33</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td align="right" colspan="4" width="453">10</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="4" width="453">Titty, titty, bang, bang?</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">Answer Options</td> <td width="96">Response Percent</td> <td width="96">Response Count</td> <td>Tit Play</td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">1. Hands off. Touching them does nothing for me.</td> <td>1.9%</td> <td>8</td> <td>No</td> <td align="right">1.9%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">2. Brush them nicely, I said</td> <td>8.6%</td> <td>37</td> <td>Low Mid</td> <td align="right">30.3%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">3. Clamps? Sure if they got rubber protectors</td> <td>21.7%</td> <td>93</td> <td>High Mid</td> <td align="right">32.5%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">4. Harder. I can take it. Do I have to repeat myself?</td> <td>12.4%</td> <td>53</td> <td>Extreme</td> <td align="right">35.3%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">5. Can you take off those rubber protectors</td> <td>5.4%</td> <td>23</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">6. Got any needles</td> <td>5.8%</td> <td>25</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">7. Let's twist again like we did last summer</td> <td>8.9%</td> <td>38</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">8. Oh good. They'll be really sore tomorrow</td> <td>35.3%</td> <td>151</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3" width="357">Other (please specify)</td> <td>17</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">answered question</td> <td>428</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">skipped question</td> <td>29</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td align="right" colspan="4" width="453">11</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="4" width="453">Are you into breath control?</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">Answer Options</td> <td width="96">Response Percent</td> <td width="96">Response Count</td> <td colspan="2">Breath Control</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">1. I agree with J.W. That's too dangerous</td> <td>22.8%</td> <td>96</td> <td>No</td> <td align="right">22.8%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">2. Caress my neck. Don't squeeze</td> <td>12.1%</td> <td>51</td> <td>Low Mid</td> <td align="right">34.9%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">3. A little pressure is exciting</td> <td>22.8%</td> <td>96</td> <td>High Mid</td> <td align="right">40.1%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">4. Got any rope</td> <td>2.1%</td> <td>9</td> <td>Extreme</td> <td align="right">2.1%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">5. Make me think it's dangerous. I like the feeling of fear</td> <td>19.5%</td> <td>82</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">6. Do it until I say stop</td> <td>3.6%</td> <td>15</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">7. Oh, I can't say stop</td> <td>5.9%</td> <td>25</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">8. Did I really pass out? For how long</td> <td>9.0%</td> <td>38</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">9. Wake up I said. Wake up. Oh, God, please wake up.</td> <td>2.1%</td> <td>9</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3" width="357">Other (please specify)</td> <td>10</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">answered question</td> <td>421</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">skipped question</td> <td>36</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td align="right" colspan="4" width="453">12</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="4" width="453">Are you being cagey with me?</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">Answer Options</td> <td width="96">Response Percent</td> <td width="96">Response Count</td> <td>Cages</td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">1. You want me in there?</td> <td>10.5%</td> <td>43</td> <td>No</td> <td align="right">10.5%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">2. Well if you don't shut the door</td> <td>1.7%</td> <td>7</td> <td>Low Mid</td> <td align="right">34.5%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">3. OK if you don't lock the door</td> <td>5.8%</td> <td>24</td> <td>High Mid</td> <td align="right">39.9%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">4. Sure that might be fun</td> <td>27.0%</td> <td>111</td> <td>Extreme</td> <td align="right">15.1%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">5. For how long did you say?</td> <td>11.2%</td> <td>46</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">6. Is my time over already</td> <td>12.9%</td> <td>53</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">7. Yeah I don't mind being left alone</td> <td>15.8%</td> <td>65</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">8. You back so soon?</td> <td>15.1%</td> <td>62</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3" width="357">Other (please specify)</td> <td>14</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">answered question</td> <td>411</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">skipped question</td> <td>46</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td align="right" colspan="4" width="453">13</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="4" width="453">"Woof, Woof," I said.</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">Answer Options</td> <td width="96">Response Percent</td> <td width="96">Response Count</td> <td colspan="2">Puppy Play</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">1. No. I am a responsible adult</td> <td>17.1%</td> <td>71</td> <td>No</td> <td align="right">17.1%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">2. Does that mean I can play with your bone, er?</td> <td>10.1%</td> <td>42</td> <td>Low Mid</td> <td align="right">30.6%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">3. On all fours like this?</td> <td>9.4%</td> <td>39</td> <td>High Mid</td> <td align="right">43.5%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">4. Got a doggie collar</td> <td>11.1%</td> <td>46</td> <td>Extreme</td> <td align="right">8.7%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">5. I like leashes</td> <td>18.6%</td> <td>77</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">6. We need to buy some knee pads</td> <td>24.9%</td> <td>103</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">7. Where's the Alpo?</td> <td>8.7%</td> <td>36</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3" width="357">Other (please specify)</td> <td>16</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">answered question</td> <td>414</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">skipped question</td> <td>43</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td align="right" colspan="4" width="453">14</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="4" width="453">What kind of person do you think I am?</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">Answer Options</td> <td width="96">Response Percent</td> <td width="96">Response Count</td> <td colspan="2">Verbal Abuse</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">1. Respect me or else</td> <td>10.1%</td> <td>42</td> <td>No</td> <td align="right">10.1%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">2. Will you respect me in the morning</td> <td>3.4%</td> <td>14</td> <td>Low Mid</td> <td align="right">25.5%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">3. Well, OK, but don't use the N word</td> <td>2.7%</td> <td>11</td> <td>High Mid</td> <td align="right">40.1%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">4. I like it when you talk dirty.</td> <td>13.8%</td> <td>57</td> <td>Extreme</td> <td align="right">24.4%</td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">5. Got any other four letter words</td> <td>5.6%</td> <td>23</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">6. You make me feel like trash. Talk to me some more</td> <td>5.1%</td> <td>21</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">7. How low do you want me to go?</td> <td>4.8%</td> <td>20</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">8. One man's trash is another man's treasure</td> <td>6.3%</td> <td>26</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">9. Humiliation is good for the soul</td> <td>9.4%</td> <td>39</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">10. Degradation makes me hard/wet</td> <td>8.0%</td> <td>33</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">11. I deserve it Sir/Ma'am</td> <td>6.5%</td> <td>27</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="2" width="261">12. I need it Sir/Ma'am</td> <td>24.4%</td> <td>101</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3" width="357">Other (please specify)</td> <td>10</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">answered question</td> <td>414</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
<tr> <td colspan="3">skipped question</td> <td>43</td> <td></td> <td></td> </tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial;">You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/">http://www.LeatherViews.com</a>. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Be sure to visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com</div>Jack Rinellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13185727254622188664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5744813183148873622.post-49095495241668358742011-05-10T12:56:00.000-07:002011-05-10T12:56:45.286-07:00Where Are You on the Continuum?Except for gardening I've not had a lot to do recently so, as you probably gathered, I'm been spending more time cruising for more slaves. Some applicants are looking for a more traditional service role and others are looking for an intensive and degrading kind of ownership. Most, of course, have no idea what the are seeking.<br />
<br />
So I began thinking about the continuum of control: 1. We're equals Mister. Get over it. 2. A little give and take is fun. 3. I'll do most of what you say. 4. I like pleasing people. 5. Can we do it in the dungeon only? 6. It's OK for role play. 7. I want to serve you. 8. I want to be your slave and 9. I want to obey you always.<br />
<br />
And then my mind went wild. What about the other fetishes: Whipping, Scat, Piss, Control, Sex, Bondage, Ass play, Genital torture, Needles, Tit work, Breath Control, Caging, Puppy Play, Humiliation and Verbal Abuse? Voila I had a survey.<br />
<br />
So do me a favor, huh? Click on the link below and fill it out. Sorry only one response per computer.<br />
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<div id="surveyMonkeyInfo"><div><script src="https://www.surveymonkey.com/jsEmbed.aspx?sm=WSiJZ_2bPZEh_2bGuVPO79da_2fA_3d_3d"> </script></div>Create your <a href="https://www.surveymonkey.com/">free online surveys</a> with SurveyMonkey, the world's leading questionnaire tool.</div><br />
<br />
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You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.<div class="blogger-post-footer">Be sure to visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com</div>Jack Rinellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13185727254622188664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5744813183148873622.post-37841620996979161752011-05-06T12:33:00.000-07:002011-05-06T12:33:50.159-07:00Obedience Explained<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;"><iframe align="left" frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=leathe09-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=1890159506&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr" style="align: left; height: 245px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 5px; width: 131px;"></iframe>It’s my opinion that dominant/submissive relationships are highly structured and incorporate a control-based dynamic. That said, I can see why slave and object-applicants often seek details of what their relationship will look like once they enter into it. It’s not an unreasonable question and no matter how you want to structure your relationship, you probably are going to ask a similar question.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">More common relationships probably need less discussion because there are many role models which the couple can look to in creating their relationship. Obviously objectification isn’t one of them. "Slavery" may have a bit more commonality in the BDSM subculture but even at that it’s not enough to give us a good picture.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">In any case the question is really a more personal question and it can be better stated as "What will you require of me in terms of obedience?" That answer will always vary as all relationships, and I mean ALL, are created by the two people in them.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">So a recent applicant asked me to “elaborate” on my rules for him. I'll call him Reggie, since he's the guy I wrote about in the "Lessons" blog several weeks ago.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I sent him a copy of thing's most recent list of rules. Thing, as you've been reading, is my object for the time being, now in its second contract and therefore its second set of rules. He wanted to know if thing's rules would be his rules. The answer is no, since every person, place, and thing is unique. Excuse the pun but how could I avoid it?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Questions are well-answered only if one probes the query to answer the actual question, not just the one asked. I could give Reggie a list of rules. After all, even thinking about him and them arouses me. Control is, after all, my primary fetish.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The basic and more important answer has to do with the nature of obedience, which is "The quality or condition of dutifully complying with the commands, orders, or instructions of one in authority." I would quickly note that the definition doesn't contain a list of do's and don'ts. Hell, there aren't even any rules listed. If one has to ask "What are the rules that I will have to obey?" then one is not dutifully complying. One is setting limits and qualifying the meaning and activity of obeying.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><iframe align="left" frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=leathe09-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=B0045Y1M0E&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr" style="align: left; height: 245px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 5px; width: 131px;"></iframe>This distinction is an important one, since it helps to define the relationship. As my slave Patrick is quick to point out, all relationships have some degree of authority in them, hence they all demand some kind of obedience (Yes, Dear, I'll take out the garbage). In as much as Reggie and I are discussing a more pervasive form of obedience (objectification), then a higher degree of "dutifully complying" is expected.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I distinguish between two forms of obedience. The first, which concerns Reggie, is composed of the rules. The second, which I think is more important, concerns the orders. Simply put, rules are those activities which one obediently performs in a regular and continuing time frame, i.e., "The object will not use the toilet. His usual mode of defecation and urination is into the pail, when permission is granted and the task is monitored." Did I say I was into control? It's my primary fetish.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Orders, on the other hand, pertain to a specific situation, such as "Go mow the lawn." Ah, objects can be so helpful, can't they?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Rules can be further classified into three categories: protocols, routines, and events, though here I might be nit-picking a bit. The willingness to obey grants me the right to determine the rules. Therefore I create protocols. I set its schedule. I control which events happen and when, where, and how. OK, a schedule is actually a set of events. I'm just trying to be clear. Please excuse the obvious redundancy.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Since I've used that over-used word (protocol) I had better note that I am not talking about some set of mythological old-guard invented rites, forms, and expectations. Protocols between master and slave or owner and object are just that: between the two of them. They are meant to define how he, she or it acts towards his, her or its master, mistress, sir, ma'am, or lord. It's your relationship, create your own protocols. Borrowing is allowed; aping is not.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I set its schedule. Rising, grooming, working, serving, waiting, acting, and sleeping. It does what it does because its owner has controlled its day and its night. It needs to be controlled and knowing it is controlled gives it security and a sense of belonging. When it is under control, it is where it wants to be.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Notice, please, that the schedule acknowledges the practical and the mundane as well as the exciting and the sexual. Although it would seem that this is all a fantasy, it can't be sustained if it is lived as a fantasy. Relationships must recognize the pragmatic needs of everyday existence.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><iframe align="left" frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=leathe09-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=1881943038&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr" style="align: left; height: 245px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 5px; width: 131px;"></iframe>And, lastly, there are events. I want to flog it so I do. It may not be in the schedule. It may not be expected. It is simply a matter of my Will be done. That is obedience.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I want Reggie to understand that obedience is not found in a list of rules. It comes, and only comes, with dutiful compliance. That demands surrender. In fact without surrender there can be no actual obedience.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">And that's surely a topic for another day. Have a great week. Jack<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial;">To read past blogs, go to LeatherViews.blogspot.com. You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/">http://www.LeatherViews.com</a>. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Be sure to visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com</div>Jack Rinellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13185727254622188664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5744813183148873622.post-56355321438908696222011-05-01T06:47:00.000-07:002011-05-01T06:47:52.942-07:00Thinking About My Thing<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;">No, I don't mean the thing in my pants. I mean the thing who was my object for this past week. If that doesn't make sense, then read last week's blog at <a href="http://leatherviews.blogspot.com/">LeatherViews.blogspot.com</a> for more information.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><iframe align="left" frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=leathe09-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=0940267209&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr" style="align: left; height: 245px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 5px; width: 131px;"></iframe>As a short refresher, thing and I were trying a week-long experiment in objectification. He agreed to a one-week contract that put him under my control, the purpose of which was to see if there was some agreement in what that kind of relationship would look and feel like and if such a relationship worked between the two of us.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">It was a long distance relationship maintained by yahoo chat, instant messaging, email, a daily phone call, and an occasional webcam encounter.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I encouraged thing to submit as an experiment because words only demonstrate and explain so much. Most decisions, and certainly most of those concerning relationships, are best made when based on experience. We both wanted to get some experience.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The experiment was meant to answer many questions for both of us: Is objectification even possible? Are the feelings it engender pleasing to both? What does it involve? Do we communicate well enough to sustain a relationship? What does it look like in terms of activity? Do we like and understand each other? What obstacles hinder the development of objectification and are they surmountable?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Do you recognize those questions? If you use a term other than "objectification," they are the ones that any two people ought to ask themselves as they develop a relationship<iframe align="left" frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=leathe09-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=B001QCYJV2&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr" style="align: left; height: 245px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 5px; width: 131px;"></iframe>. Of course many of us fail to do so, since intimate relationships are often based on "falling in love" rather than letting love be one of several factors we use in the process of commitment making.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">If we both decide that we want to continue, we will enter into a two week-commitment and an increase in control.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">It's what my grandmother (Mommy Rose) used to call "upping the ante." Our family had a strong tradition of playing poker after holiday feasts. It was strictly penny-ante. You could always tell when Mommy Rose had a good hand because she would invariably ask my uncle how high she could bid. I think she was hoping she could raise everyone more than the three cent limit. She couldn't.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Poker was always "dealer's choice" so there would be all sorts of variations on the game. The real pot worth winning was when someone chose progressive poker. That meant if no one could open a hand with jacks or better, the next dealer had to play the same game, now openers were queens and there was another ante which increased the pot.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Relationships are like poker in many ways. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I do like the analogy for two reasons. First, I am a steadfast believer in "upping the ante" and secondly I see that healthy relationships are progressive.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I try my best to always begin negotiations for a relationship with the understanding that both of us are equal. I'm not in favor of this "I'm the master"' stuff when two people begin to discuss having a relationship. Unless negotiations are carried on between two equals, there is a high risk of there being faulty negotiations. Communication will tend to be one-sided, the bottom will be intimidated, and a lot of what ought to be asked and answered will instead be neglected.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Simply stated, the relationship starts after the negotiations, not before.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">That first principle is then embellished by the second. As we negotiate and come to common agreement, we may indeed implement some part of our agreement, beginning a rudimentary relationship that will progress by degrees to a more complex one. Hence we "up the ante."<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Defining a relationship by degrees, i.e., progressively, works because the progress can be built upon the knowledge the partners gain through experiencing the relationship. Time and talk build trust, thereby allowing comfort levels to increase and which allows for the deepening of the relationship. The operative idea here is incrementally.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">This myth of "whole hog" is bunk. It is amazing how many potential partners, consciously or not, feel that it's all or nothing and right away. I will even grant you that there are tops and bottoms that think that's how it should be. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Even while I was writing this blog I received this email: "In Your profile many of Your likes sound exciting to me. I am not [an] experienced slave/bottom however, yet willing to try most of the items from your list. Not all of them though! You wrote about total control and objectification but I can't a priori agree to everything. If despite of the above You wanted try to enslave and objectify me, I am willing to subject to your power for a weekend. Sincerely, a candidate to learn how to please You."<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">This well-intentioned man (age 56) assumes that we will meet and play for a weekend without anything happening beforehand. No wonder I rant. Why don't people understand the need to negotiate? To build trust? To create a scene or a relationship only after clear communication and agreed upon activities?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Sheesh!<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">On the other hand, I don't blame the guy who "is not [an] experienced slave/bottom." I blame us for not being clearer on the need for negotiations, for references, and for clear communications.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">It's enough to make me want to give up SSC and RACK. Give me NR&CC!<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Have a great week. I've got to write a two week contract for thing. He's willing to take the next step and I'm happy to oblige him.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Jack Rinella<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial;">You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/">http://www.LeatherViews.com</a>. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Be sure to visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com</div>Jack Rinellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13185727254622188664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5744813183148873622.post-18533307663893446182011-04-24T13:05:00.000-07:002011-04-24T13:08:22.124-07:00Thing For a Week<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">It signed a one-week contract with yours truly yesterday after a two-week dialogue about objectification, which I define as the process of taking control of another in such a way that the other's self-hood is fully committed to the will and service of its owner. (For a fuller essay on this topic visit <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/home.htm">my website</a> where I have posted a rather long article on the topic.)<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">For the past year or so, I have become increasingly interested in pushing the limits of dominant/submissive relationships<iframe align="left" frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=leathe09-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=0940267209&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr" style="align: left; height: 245px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 5px; width: 131px;"></iframe>. In reality the idea of increasing the intensity of my own mastery has been actively churning in my mind for years.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I remember that the first glimpse of such a possibility occurred to me more than 12 years ago, while I was slave in service to Master Lynn. At the time, I became fully enthralled with the idea of serving him. There were strong feelings of devotion, love, and even worship. I wanted to go as low as possible in order to exalt him as high as I could. Such were my feelings.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">It had a lot to do with polarity and the energy exchange, which I will touch upon later in this essay.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Eventually, I found myself thoroughly enjoying my master/slave relationship with Patrick – something that still brings both of us great pleasure. As I thought of my mastery, I wanted more of it, i.e., greater domination, more subjugation, an increase in sadistic pleasure, etc. In general I wanted more intensity.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I realized, though, that concerns of health, both physical and mental, reasonably limit intensity. What one might be able to do in a "scene" is very often not sustainable over a longer period of time. No matter how strong our desires might be, the necessities of life, such as sleep, work, chores, and relaxation, impose themselves on us in a way that no master ever can.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">OK, if I really were Mr. Benson<iframe align="left" frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=leathe09-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=1573441945&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr" style="align: left; height: 245px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 5px; width: 131px;"></iframe>, i.e., independently wealthy, that might not be the case, but in my current situation it is.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">One of the answers I arrived at was to take on more than one slave which, to be honest, was always the plan anyway.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Over time, one's environment changes and such is the case with our subculture. In the past five to seven years, and perhaps longer than that, I have seen an marked increase in the acceptance and the implementation of more intense fetishes. For whatever reason, what was once done by the few, the elite, and the hidden, has become more and more mainstream.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">With more frequency and more openness, I began to see a marked increase in men seeking more intense subjugation. One of the forms of this is objectification. Unfortunately many of those who seek it link objectification with drug use, commonly called PNP (play and party).<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">As I hope you know, I generally frown on using drugs to allow oneself to push one's usual limits in the area of BDSM. I like to face my SM face-to-face and in full control of all my faculties.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">What, though, of those men (and I am sure there are women who seek objectification as well) for whom such domination is an authentic state?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">In search of such men, few that they might be, I developed an intense, even extreme persona, on one of the gay BDSM cruise sites and began to seek such men. Over the time period of five months I have found four men who are seeking such a life. For them becoming an "it" is a sought-after goal and an act of self-actualization. In conversations with these few men I find several rationales for their actions: Yearning, Authenticity, Surrender, Polarity, Bonding and Belonging, and Intimacy.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Like those I sought, I too had the same rationales, though rather than surrender I sought domination.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">"It" cruised me two weeks ago and I replied with "Thanks for the cruise. Do my dark desires tempt you?" It answered, "Yes SIR, they do. slave is drawn to YOUR Dark desires. slave has been feeling a yearning, lust from very Dark places.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">What ensued was daily contact, mostly through Yahoo chat, as it was reluctant to give me its phone number and wouldn't call me from home for fear its room mate would learn of its desires. By the way, such fears are not uncommon, as you probably remember from your first ventures into kink.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">In time we worked our way up to lunch-time phone calls. In the meantime, my thoughts became increasingly filled with the lust of ownership, subjugation, and debasement. "Dark" is a very appropriate adjective to use.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">By last Thursday, I felt we were ready to try out the fetish. The operative word here is "try." Its rather conservative nature and my policy of "one step at a time" led us to only try it. So we came to agree that objectification for one week would be an appropriate experiment.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">My writings are filled with such advice. It is a common apprehension and a decidedly false idea that one must jump "whole hog" into a new kink. As a matter of fact whether it is a kink or a relationship, slow and steady is much to be preferred. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">As I wrote above, one of the attractions that objectification holds for me is Polarity. Although a full explanation of the power dynamic in BDSM relationships is beyond the scope of this essay, every relationship can be seen as a power exchange<iframe align="left" frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=leathe09-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=B001QCYJV2&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr" style="align: left; height: 245px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 5px; width: 131px;"></iframe> of some kind. Most, of course, only exhibit moderate levels of polarity, though these levels certainly vary with the activity and mental states of the participants.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">What sets objectification apart is the severity of the polarity. The two participants in the relationship manifest attitudes and actions at the extremes of human behavior, i.e., the one becomes lord; the other the lord's possession. It is the domination/submission dynamic pushed to its furthest limits of near-total control and near-complete surrender.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">It might be argued that such a polarity is neither attainable nor sustainable. Such considerations do not seem to deter the applicant. He is driven to seek it and to live it as fully as possible. OK, to be honest, I am driven to seek it and live it as well.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">If a small gap in an electric circuit causes a small spark and a large gap causes lightning to strike, what happens when the energy between two partners is allowed to become highly polarized, which is another word for intense?<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Perhaps a few definitions might be in order. Polar – "occupying or marked by opposite extremes." Polarize – "to cause to concentrate about two conflicting or contrasting positions." If then we see objectification as the concentration of control on one side of the polarity and its contrasting characteristic (surrender of control) on the other, we then have what seems to me to be a more intense D/s relationship and a significant increase in the energy, power, in that dynamic.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><iframe align="left" frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm.amazon.com/e/cm?t=leathe09-20&o=1&p=8&l=bpl&asins=B004IK9900&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&m=amazon&lc1=0000FF&bc1=000000&bg1=FFFFFF&f=ifr" style="align: left; height: 245px; padding-right: 10px; padding-top: 5px; width: 131px;"></iframe>So what happens? The short answer is that the feelings reveal an exhilarating space, a kind of completeness for the moment. I've yet to determine the long-term implications of such a relationship. That's what we hope the experiment will show. Stay tuned. You never know what I'll come up with next.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial;">You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/">http://www.LeatherViews.com</a>. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Be sure to visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com</div>Jack Rinellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13185727254622188664noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5744813183148873622.post-13353499386650825682011-04-15T08:57:00.001-07:002011-04-15T08:57:56.553-07:00Poz Friendly<div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial;">OK, I'm not a medical doctor. I hope you know that. Many of you also know that I am HIV positive and have been for some 17 years. My viral load is undetectable and my T-cell counts are in the normal range for a healthy person.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">I seldom write about HIV, except that I often remind people to play safely, get tested for STDs often, and have a doctor they can talk to about their sexual lives. For your information, "poz friendly" means that you are willing to have sex with a person who is infected with HIV.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">This column was prompted by the frequent comments I get while seeking another slave. Simply put, in spite of the wealth of good information and online access to it, there is a lot of bad information about HIV transmission. Fear of infection is a good thing, paranoia isn't. So let me lay out the facts as I understand them.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">You can take the facts I write as that, search for information to prove or disprove what I write, or print out this essay and discuss it with your doctor. In any case, please make an informed decision about HIV. Living in ignorance, in doubt, or in denial is no way to maintain a healthy life.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">For those of you who want to "bareback," i.e., fuck without a condom, I will remind you that you are playing a dangerous game. Even if there are drugs to control HIV, they are not perfect. The disease will still play havoc on your body, the side-affects of the drugs will make you miserable, and the medication alone, not to mention doctor and testing costs, will run about $21,000 a year.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">The argument that you can bareback with a person who is not infected is fallacious since no one, except a person who is truly celibate or truly monogamous, can ever guarantee that they are actually HIV negative. The following safety guide does not apply to couples who are monogamous and HIV free. Remember though that to be sure you are HIV negative takes two tests separated by some six months, since one test may not detect a recent infection.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">HIV transmission is, thankfully, a rather difficult task. You are much more likely to get syphilis, gonorrhea, or hepatitis A, B, or C more easily than HIV. You are also liable to get Herpes or the flu. Nothing is without risk. Nothing is "safe." All we can do is to make things "safer." That said, take reasonable and necessary precautions and then have fun. Unfortunately none of us is getting out of this world alive. Precaution is advised, paranoia is not.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">HIV is a virus that is transmitted through the bodily fluids of blood, semen, and breast milk. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Pre-cum presents at most a tiny theoretical risk, not a practical one. Neither saliva nor sweat contain the virus and therefore are safe. HIV can live outside the body for a number of hours. It is easily cleaned with antiseptic soap and running water. You can disinfect with Clorox in a one-to-ten ratio.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Skin is an effective barrier against HIV transmission. Therefore ejaculating semen on to healthy bare skin is safe. The only caveat is that the skin is not broken. HIV can enter the body through a cut, abrasion, or wound. For that reason, when fisting is done, use surgical gloves to insure that there is no transmission through minute cuts in the fingers.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Since HIV is very sensitive to air and light, the risk of transmission through pre-cum is low. Lube will also reduce the risk of transmission through pre-cum. That said, never insert a penis into a vagina or anus without the protection of a condom.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">HIV is not transmitted orally. It is safe to suck a penis without protection and to ejaculate into your partner's mouth. There is one important caveat: the recipient's mouth needs be healthy. If there are cuts on the tongue or inside the mouth, or if the gums are bleeding, there is a risk of HIV infection. For that reason it is not advisable to have oral sex on the day you have dental work done nor to brush or floss your teeth before having oral sex.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">There are no proven incidents the oral transmission of HIV. Believe me, if HIV were transmitted orally, there would be a much higher rate of HIV infection among gay men. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">To quote the San Francisco City Clinic website: "HIV is rarely spread through oral sex and it is not spread from an HIV-infected blow-job giver to an uninfected partner. There are case reports—descriptions by doctors in scientific magazines—that suggest HIV can be spread by swallowing the cum of someone with HIV-infection during oral sex. Our experience in San Francisco supports that such spread of HIV is a very rare event. While HIV can be found in the saliva, the saliva also has special factors that block the growth of the virus. Other STDs like gonorrhea, chlamydia, syphilis and herpes can be much more easily spread through oral sex."<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">And lastly, here's some information about intercourse. It applies to both vaginal and anal sex. <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">From Go Ask Alice at <a href="http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/1849.html">http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/1849.html</a><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">"Several studies have been done on relationships similar to yours, where one partner is HIV-positive and the other negative (a.k.a., mixed status or HIV-discordant couples). A study published in 1994 in The New England Journal of Medicine looked at 256 heterosexual mixed status couples. Of the 124 couples that consistently used condoms, none of the HIV-negative partners were infected. Among the 121 couples that did not consistently use condoms, 12 (about 10 percent) of the HIV-negative partners became infected. Additional studies found similar results.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">"Consistent and correct condom usage is the key to lowering the risk of HIV transmission in mixed status couples, whatever their sexuality. Condoms are highly effective in preventing the transmission of HIV, but sometimes fail. Those failures are most often due to incorrect usage or user error. To reduce condom failure:<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc"><li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Use water-based lubes, never oil-based ones such as petroleum jelly, cooking oil or shortening, or hand-lotion — they can weaken the latex.<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Keep condoms away from heat or direct sunlight.<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Check the expiration dates printed on the package. Condoms that are too old or expired, or have packaging that appears to be weathered or deflated, need to be thrown away.<o:p></o:p></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list .5in;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Carefully open the condom with your fingers, trying not to tear it with your fingernails (or teeth).<o:p></o:p></span></li>
</ul><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">And from the San Francisco City Clinic:<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">"There is no evidence that wearing two condoms is more effective than wearing one, and in fact, there is some hearsay evidence that the friction of the two condoms rubbing together can cause them to break, making you more susceptible to HIV and other STDs.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">"As far as viral load, research has shown that the viral load in blood correlates to levels in semen and vaginal secretions. However, that correlation is only about 70% and it has not been proven what level of virus is needed for transmission. Even an undetectable viral load doesn't mean an infected person will not transmit HIV to an uninfected partner. Therefore it is very important that you continue to use condoms no matter your partner's viral load. In addition, a person's viral load can change, so that viral load a month ago may not be the viral load the day you had sex.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">"In many cities, like San Francisco, after having a known exposure to HIV -- being topped by an HIV+ guy and then the condom breaks -- a guy can start PEP, or post-exposure prevention, which is a combination of anti-HIV medications. The important thing is that these medications have to be started as soon as possible, ideally within four hours, but it may be OK within 72 hours after exposure. Most emergency rooms and doctors know about PEP and can prescribe it. It's not one dose -- you have to take meds for a month and they can make you ill -- so I don't recommend it except in real emergencies. To learn more about PEP, go to the UCSF Medical Center website at <a href="http://www.ucsfhealth.org/conditions/hiv/index.html">http://www.ucsfhealth.org/conditions/hiv/index.html</a> and type PEP in the Search box."<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">After all is said and done, you have to decide what you are going to do and who you are going to do it with. I ask two things. First get the facts and make an informed decision. Secondly, no matter what you decide be honest in your decision. If you decide not to be poz friendly, at least be friendly to people who are positive.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">For more complete information on HIV and AIDS visit the San Franccisco City Clinic website at<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><a href="http://www.sfcityclinic.org/">http://www.sfcityclinic.org/</a><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Please play safely and have a great week. Jack<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial;">You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at <a href="http://www.leatherviews.com/">http://www.LeatherViews.com</a>. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="blogger-post-footer">Be sure to visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com</div>Jack Rinellahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13185727254622188664noreply@blogger.com0