Thursday, December 13, 2012

Documenting a Relationship


For long-term readers of my posts, it is no surprise (or is it?) that I spend a great deal of time attempting to create relationships. I am rather persistent about doing so and, when the forces of attraction, possibility, fantasy and probability align just right, I work hard at it.

So my Chicago object-applicant and I have been negotiating since December, 2010.

Recently we returned to the idea “key holder” for a chastity device.

For him, it has a high place on his list of desires. For me, it represents a step in the direction of control. Now it’s just a step, but that is always the way a long journey begins.

So over the weekend, I told him to buy a male chastity device. Yesterday he did.

The (edited) dialogue went this way:

Object:  I think the chastity idea is a good way to start You probably know that I have conceived of chastity prior to submission...followed by indefinite orgasm denial. If that is even possible?

Me: Yes. There is little I don't know about you.

Object: What kind of device would you want me to get??

Me:       A good one that you can wear for long periods and that can go through security checkpoints.

Object:  It is part of the overall privation and suffering the object should experience. Eventually it knows it would happen...on your terms. And the increase awareness of being controlled. Yes.. A constant reminder.

Me:       Then do it. Submit your genitals to my control.

This morning this we had this text:

Object:  I ordered the chastity thing.

Me:       I'm glad to hear that

Object:  Feels kind of silly unless it is being "required" or unless there is a key holder.

Me:       Do we need to discuss this? I told you to buy it. That might not exactly mean "required" but short of your surrendering to my control, it comes close. As for "key holder" did I err in thinking that was me?

He agreed that I was right….

The un-discussed topic here is that I am very wary of assuming what is agreed upon in a relationship. It seems to me, having lots of experience with failed relationships, that one of the primary reasons they fail is that one partners assumes certain conditions that the other partner is unaware of.

Herein lies the value of documenting the discussion in writing. Make it as simple as notes or as formal as a written agreement. Pen and paper have memories much more reliable than ours. “What did we say?” and  “What did we mean?” are both questions that, when the discussion is documented, are substantially easier to answer.

So there will be a written agreement (we had a similar one last Spring). I get my sense of control over part of him. He gets the strong reminder that I am in control of his sexual behavior.

It works for both of us!

Have a great day. Jack

* * * * *

Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to make a purchase.

I am in the process of changing my delivery options. Please go to http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/mQyjG and sign up to have my blog emailed to you.


You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2012 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Time


The one mystery in life, the one thing that is always in limited supply, once gone never and retrieved is time.

I was struck by the idea of time in two ways today. First a friend of mine called me a “hero” because I have sex every day (almost) and sometimes twice a day (often but not that often).

I told him there was a secret to having daily sex and he wanted to know what it was. “Turn off the television,” I told him.

You see, I have frequent sex because I want to have sex often and therefore I plan my day so that there is time to do it.

The other notion of time came to me because an object-applicant told me he would want a contract to sign when he submitted to me. Now I’ve already sent him two versions, one in December of 2011 and another in May of 2012. I reminded him to read them.

Nevertheless I pulled out the most recent contract, read it and improved it. That’s when it dawned on my how much time I have spent negotiating a relationship with this guy. I recorded in my notes that his first contact with me was on December 27, 2010, though it turns out we had actually met five years before but nothing came of it.

So there you have it, kinkster. Time.

Want to do something? Make time for it.

Want something to happen? Well it just might take some more time. Keep at it, do what you can to make it happen, and while you’re doing your part, just let time do it’s thing.

Time. They just don’t make enough of it, so what you have to use, use wisely.

Have a great day. Jack

* * * * *

Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to make a purchase.

I am in the process of changing my delivery options. Please go to http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/mQyjG and sign up to have my blog emailed to you.


You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2012 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

Friday, December 7, 2012

The Symphony


One of the significant advantages to living in Chicago is the wide variety and high quality of its cultural life, among which the Chicago Symphonic Orchestra is at the top of my list. I write that the morning after I attended yet another of their stellar performances. As Patrick says, “No one ever feels sorry for you, Sir.”

A good scene is like a great symphonic orchestra: the right people, talent, time, fantasy, equipment and the ability to “play well together.”

What do you consider when you consider having a scene? Do you look at all the variables? And what do you consider for the long term?

Like an expert rendition of a symphony, a concerto or a fugue, great sex takes “all of the above.” There is an unspoken (and erroneous) myth that “sex is natural.” Well, of course it is, if in “sex” you mean the simple act of intercourse. Anyone can figure out that the outie part of the guy fits into the innie part of the woman.

But I am not talking about reproduction. I am talking about the art of great sex. What are you doing to improve your art?

Do you research great methodology? Listen to great teachers? Discuss the action with your partner? Make plans to achieve the best? Do you practice? Do you review and critique in a healthy way?

If you think that just showing up is all it takes, you are kidding yourself. Art takes work, serious committed work.

I usually have great sex. I have my partners to thank for that, of course. I would like to note, though, that it doesn’t come “naturally.” Let me be quick to add, though, that it is worth the effort. Ask any musician in the CSO and he or she will agree.

Have a great day. Jack

* * * * *

Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to make a purchase.

I am in the process of changing my delivery options. Please go to http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/mQyjG and sign up to receive my weekly email via my blog site.


You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2012 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Social Media


Having just celebrated my 66th birthday, I guess I can be excused for noting the general degradation of communication today.

We have this myth about electronic communication, one that tells us that email, texting, social websites and tweeting all facilitate communication. If you regard the distribution of data as communication, then I guess you are correct.

However I have noticed a serious disconnect between what many people say via electrons and what they actually do. Typing a phrase, and here I quote a recent message I received, "I WANT TO BE OWNED," and actually doing something about it are two different things.

Here's the background: I wrote to a guy who have visited my profile on a hook-up site. I began the conversation this way: "call me at 312-206-8793 when you are free." That was in May. He never did call but he did reply "YES MASTER." The caps are his.

In October he hit me up on the site. I asked him what was he seeking. He replied, "TOTAL CONTROL PAIN PIG SLAVE SIR." He did send me contact information.

This past week his communications started up again. Rather than bore you with more of the same, let me just say that I have called him three times this week and he hasn't returned my calls. I did see him online very late one night and texted him to see if he wanted to talk. He texted back that he was groggy and would call me in 30 minutes. As might be expected, he didn't.

Over and over again I find that when it comes to online communications, words and actions just don't match. As a therapist once told me, "When a client says one thing and does another, I always listen to what he does."

Keep your words and actions consistent and you will be much happier for it. And guess what? So will the person with whom you're communicating.


Have a great day. Jack

* * * * *

Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to make a purchase.

I have changed the way I my deliver my column. Please go to http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/mQyjG and sign up to receive my weekly email via my blog site.


You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2012 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Restarting


It’s been a long while since I’ve posted a blog (March 26, 2012). Much of that had to do with being so busy last Spring; during June and July, I was away in California and then Australia; and finally I just stopped writing a weekly column.

I’m telling myself that it’s time to start again.

This re-start, I think, ought to be different. The world has changed a great deal since I began my weekly columns in Gay Chicago Magazine in 1992. Then it appeared in print, weekly. Gradually I gained some email readership. Eventually I had more than 4,000 readers.

Bogs have generally replaced columns. Though many columnists are still writing, I see that they are also blogging.

Blogs tend, I see, to be shorter, more personal and more frequent. I like that idea.

Here then are today’s thoughts.

Slightly more than two years ago I posted a profile describing myself as the DarkLordinChicago, a whole new persona for me. I sought to embrace what I felt were extreme, intense and dark side aspects of my hidden self. It was a mixture of lust, curiosity and a quest to become both more authentic and more whole.

The questions that such a quest raises are myriad and not very easily explained in the context of the 21st century. How does one deal, essentially, with evil, with selfishness, with dark desire?

I see the general “theater of  kink” as an attempt to explore and express that which each of holds deeply (and usually quite hidden) within ourselves. It is that desire to explore and express that keeps me involved in the world of kink.

That said, I am quick to remember that “the world of kink” ought to be fun. Let the psychology, the sociology and the theology of all of what it is that we do take second place to happiness, self-fulfillment, contentment and honest fellowship.

Have a great day.

Jack
Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to make a purchase.

I am in the process of changing my delivery options. Please go to http://feeds.feedburner.com/blogspot/mQyjG and sign up to receive my weekly email via my blog site.


You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2012 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.