Are You Ready?

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What's the difference?

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How to Shoot Yourself in the Foot

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The Cheating Trick

It's the day before he's planning on coming over for sex. I'll call him Jeff, since I don't even know his real name. I do know that he is 26, has had multiple BDSM experiences with men, lives with his fiancée of three years, and his marriage date is about two months away.

I met him about a year ago, when he came over for sex. As per my usual practice, when he arrived we sat in the living room to talk about what might transpire between us. For some reason we hadn't talked very much on the phone, which is my preferable way to begin negotiations. When I asked him if he was single, he admitted to living with his girlfriend.

We spoke about that for a while and I gave him my standard spiel: "Cheating is a slippery slope. You think you can get this gay thing out of your system or that you can cheat forever without being caught, but that's not going to happen."

I wrote about this topic many years ago. It was a difficult essay and the difficulty has not gone away. Tricking under these circumstances is participating in a lie, is being hypocritical, and contributes to the likely trauma of an unfortunate and difficult breakup.

I've been there. Late in 1973 at the age of 27, I discovered my attraction to men. For the next ten years, I struggled with my homosexuality, denying and repressing my feelings until, usually during a full moon, I could no longer do so. It was on those nights that I snuck away to an adult bookstore or a gay bar, had a quick sexual encounter and, full of guilt, went home to my family.

It was a slippery slope. In the early years I cheated only sporadically, in fact rarely, but over time the lure of male flesh grew stronger and stronger, my infidelity increased, and deception wove an ever-stronger web. By 1980 or so, my wife and I were in counseling and the struggle to admit my real self began in earnest. It was no easy journey.

I lived in dread of losing everything and in some ways, for some time, I almost did. 28 years after our divorce, the wounds are healed (I think), my ex-wife happily married, my children accepting of my life, and there is no need for deception. The happy ending, though, masks much heartache and many tears. Believe me, death is easier to cope with than divorce, especially when there are two young children involved.

When Jeff contacted me last week about meeting, I knew that we had met before but I didn't remember the circumstances. This time, though, we were able to have a discussion on the phone and he reminded me of the last meeting, where he had left after my lecture about his girlfriend.

A year later his desires continue. "Why me?" I asked.

"Because I think you have the experience to make me go through with it," he replied.

In each of his past encounters he has come to a point in the scene where he abruptly left, unable to cope with the intensity of the BDSM. Now he hopes that I won't stop the flogging or the beating, the pain or the sex, that I will give him a "no escape" experience.

I can't help but think of myself in his position. Of course, I never met a person like me when I was going through this process. One or two guys suggested I stop cheating and be faithful to my wife, another told me I needed a gay therapist, but by and large it was silent and anonymous sex.

I tried everything except "Ex-gay Therapy," including confession, repentance, and exorcism. After all, while I was cheating I was pastor of a conservative, Bible-believing church. None of it worked (and doesn't). The more I promised myself "Never again," the more frequently I broke my word.

OK, enough about me. What about Jeff?

Do I tell him to forget me? Do I urge him to come out? Do I say "Cancel the wedding plans and find a counselor to help you fix this mess?"

You know, don't you, that I'm not only writing about Jeff. We live in a world of hypocrites (and yes you can include me).

I have no answer to eliminating hypocrisy. It is everywhere: in politics, in churches, in sex, in munches, in paying taxes and in neighborhood taverns, local schools, in public dungeons and private affairs.

Likewise I will admit that Jesus condemned hypocrisy much more often than homosexuality. In the four gospels (King James Version) the word hypocrisy and its derivatives appear 24 times. The word homosexuality, not once.

I don't have an answer as to what I should do. There are several courses of action to take: Do nothing; Lecture him and send him home; Give him the "no escape" experience he desires; Find his fiancée and tell her what's going on; Go the wedding the stand up when the minister asks if anyone objects; Film or photograph the scene and use it as evidence against him; etc.

My feelings are rather strong about all this, though by no means certain. As you may tell from the above, I am filled with thoughts of my own process and, in fact, rather grateful for the gay men who helped me slip down the slope.

I am also rather certain about the need to be non-judgmental, even tolerant of Jeff's plight. There is part of me that imagines that a hot scene with no escape will convince him to come clean. Most of me thinks I am making much too much of all this and that

"Que Sera, Sera,

Whatever will be, will be

The future's not ours, to see

Que Sera, Sera

What will be, will be."

Without completely re-living and re-writing my own history, there is no changing my life, my decisions, and my indiscretions. What I went through was the process of learning who I was, what that meant, and who was the authentic "me." It is the same for each of us, Jeff included. I wish him luck.

Postscript a week later: Jeff didn't show up as scheduled.

Have a great week. Jack

* * * * *

Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to make a purchase.

You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

Creating an Enduring Relationship

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Catching Up

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The object's feelings

Some seven months have passed since I began negotiations with "Chicago object," a man who lives here in the Windy City. Our dialogue has inspired more than one essay, as frequent readers of my blog might recall. Recently the topic of feelings has come up. I'll begin with quotes from our email exchanges, though that only illustrates part of our conversation, since we also communicate by phone, text messages and an occasional face-to-face meeting.


Chicago object wrote: "I understand. I do need the clarity, and I appreciate your efforts to make things clear.


"I hope you understand where I am in this process. I feel like I am drawn to the edge of a precipice. There is nothing that excites or stimulates me in quite the same way…
Ok. I understand. What is your definition of "severe bondage"? How would you describe it?


Dark Lord wrote: "Relative immobility... but not so constrictive that your blood doesn't flow. Come over and I'll put you in it...."


Chicago object wrote: "I will come over and submit to this...and perhaps spend quite a bit of time in it...once I feel able to take the first steps."


Dark Lord wrote: "Remind me to discuss the place and role of feelings in one's life."


Chicago object wrote: "I guess as an object my feelings will not really matter: I may be bored or uncomfortable, but hopefully knowing that I am feeling those feelings because I am under control will allow me to accept and appreciate them."


Dark Lord wrote: "I certainly disagree with that idea. It [you] will have to learn to balance its feelings with its thoughts and beliefs. It really is an expansive topic."


Chicago object wrote: "I know, it is expansive. You disagree with my assessment about the importance of my feelings?"


I will be the last one to denigrate the place of feelings in the life of a human, even those humans who consider themselves "sub-human" or want to become "objects."


Let me start with my dictionary. Feelings are "an affective state, such as that resulting from emotions or desires; an awareness or impression; susceptibility to emotional response; opinion based more on emotion than on reason; sentiment; intuitive awareness or aptitude."


From there I'd remind my readers that I believe in the need for balance, to live a holistic life. Holism is "the theory that living matter or reality is made up of organic or unified wholes that are greater than the simple sum of their parts." It emphasizes "the importance of the whole and the interdependence of its parts." Therefore a holistic approach recognizes the value and contribution of the various human qualities, i.e., emotion, reason, physicality, social norms, etc. while maintaining a balance of each in its proper relationship to the "whole" person.


So, Chicago object, I'm not disagreeing with your "assessment about the importance of [your] feelings." I'm only reminding you that feelings must be balanced by all the other aspects of living. Just because, for instance, you don't feel like going to work, doesn't mean that you ignore the financial necessity of doing so.


Although we most often contrast decisions based on feelings with those based on reason, most human decisions have a strong component of feelings in arriving at an eventual outcome. In many cases feelings can easily take precedent over reason when the reason is rather inconsequential, such as in the choice of a restaurant or a movie.


In any case we need seek the center, the balanced state when it comes to feelings, so that (1) they are neither denied nor repressed and (2) that they don't hold inordinate sway in our decision-making.


One of the primary reasons to be wary of feeling-based decisions is the remarkably transitory nature of feelings. I know. My feelings change from hour-to-hour, day-to-day, and month-to-month. I have gone through seemingly long periods of feeling good and then have plunged into depression.


Not only are feelings fleeting, we can make them flee. Too often we forget that fact and "feel" mired in a certain feeling, helpless to control it. Yet we can and often do.
Depression, to use myself as an example, brings many aspects of my life to a halt. I find myself nearly paralyzed in useless activity. Even then there are things I can do that will change my mood, such as gardening, napping, meditating, having sex, or walking the dog. Sometimes external circumstances change my mood, such as receiving a royalty check, hearing from my daughters, or enjoying a fine, Patrick-cooked meal.
At one point, Chicago object even admitted that such was the case when he said he was "going to run three miles to clear [his] head."


Feelings play an important part in Chicago object's journey to objectification. He wrote: "As you know, I have a great deal of ambivalence. There are times when I felt like the timing was right to embark on this (like when I came over that night in March).


"Last night I was almost tempted to start this, but of course other plans for the rest of the week got in the way. I know it is up to me. I know that once I have started I will have time to reflect, and perhaps I will have regrets.


"I guess as an object my feelings will not really matter: I may be bored or uncomfortable, but hopefully knowing that I am feeling those feelings because I am under control will allow me to accept and appreciate them."


What is ambivalent are his feelings and his inaction in pursuing objectification is based on the frequent changes in his feelings. When he writes "I guess as an object my feelings will not really matter," there is an indication of his failure to regard his feelings correctly. Even chained in my dungeon he will experience feelings. There is no way to not do so.


Feelings arise from one's unconsciousness, prompted by all sorts of factors that I'm not sure we can always account for. The most obvious of these is a burst of passion where we end up saying to ourselves "Where did that come from?"


For that reason, our unconscious is called the dark side or unknown, as opposed to our conscious mind of which we are very aware.


One of the fallacies in Chicago object's thought process is that he is waiting for his feelings to indicate when he should start a three day trial period in my dungeon. Time and again he makes plans for the future that fail to include time for the trial period, then uses these plans as a reason not to try it out.


His methodology lacks holism. He has no idea (since he has no experience in this matter) how he will feel once the shackles are in place and he finds himself a solitary "object" in my basement. Yes, he can guess about those feelings and hope that they will be satisfactory, but only experience, objective, non-emotional experience will give him enough information to make a balanced decision as to how to proceed. Only when he submits to it will he finally know how it "feels."


In this case, what I think is taking place is that he routinely gives sway to his current "feelings" about objectification while failing to allow some time for an experiential or reasoned approach.


At times, of course, his feelings about objectification are prominent. It is then that he texts me and we begin yet another round of questions and answers. What is most interesting (and encouraging to me) is that he consistently ends up by saying "Yes, Sir, you are right about that." He gets to that point where he is "almost tempted to start this, but of course other plans for the rest of the week [get] in the way."


Having discussed objectification with Chicago object rather thoroughly, I am convinced that he will find himself quite satisfied with his objectified state. That is to say, his feelings will confirm the rightness of his decision.


That, of course, is what I have written about repeatedly in my columns and books: try each of the fetishes with an open mind so that in due time you will have learned what you like and what you don't like. It is that technique that has served me well over these 30 years. It will serve all of us, including Chicago object, just as well.


He wrote: "I feel like I am drawn to the edge of a precipice. There is nothing that excites or stimulates me in quite the same way." Come and try it, Chicago object. Only then will you know the rightness of the feelings you currently have.


You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

Pacing a Scene

An expert artist moves through three stages: technician, craftsman and finally master artist. Like them we begin by learning techniques, then practice those techniques to refine our craft, and one day we're doing it so well it has become an art.

Good scenes have good pacing, or timing, if you will. Like a symphony they have a variety of rhythms, moods, tones, and crescendos and diminuendos. I was recently asked to speak about pacing a scene and thought that you all might be interested in those thoughts as well.

Over and beyond the fact of "fetish" there are many facets to a scene, including speed, action, sensitivity, spontaneity, variety, rhythm, and environment. I can't really tell you how to pace a scene but I can write about the factors that contribute to good pacing. Technique, after all, isn't limited to simply the actions involved in a specific fetish. There are both physical and psychic (or psychological if you prefer) characteristics that both top and bottom need to attend to, if a scene is to become truly artful.

Each characteristic has its own importance and the "whole" of them becomes greater than their sum. While there is a possible ranking among them, to think of them in that context may have the adverse effect of ruining a scene. Room temperature, for an example, might be just as important as one's ability to read body language, even if adjusting the thermostat is an easier task to accomplish.

That said, it seems to me that the most expert players have developed their ability to "read" their partners and therefore interpret the progress of the scene in such a way as to improve it. Reading in this context combines an array of talents that includes the following:

Watching body movements, especially how one's bottom is breathing, tensing or responding. Is their chest heaving? Is she breathing deeply? Are his breaths slow or is he going to begin to hyperventilate? Can she breathe properly or is the gag too restrictive or is she forgetting to breathe?

Listen to their grunts and groans. It's not just grunts and groans either. What about sighs or vocal comments? Can we tell the difference between "No don't stop" and "No. Don't. Stop?" If we stop will they be relieved or disappointed? What I am dealing with here is sensitivity to our partner.

The dictionary helps here. Sensitive: "Capable of perceiving with a sense or senses; Susceptible to the attitudes, feelings, or circumstances of others; Readily alerted by the action of an agent; Registering very slight differences or changes." Notice that it has to do with perception, feelings, and very slight differences. To be successfully sensitive one must take care, be quiet, and act slowly, while continuing to accurately process the information.

Feel their bodies for heat and sweat, as well as to reinforce the sensation of the scene with a mixture of "sweet and sour." Among the important techniques is to use one's hands during a scene. Now that might be easily understood while spanking or fisting, but it is equally important in whipping and paddling. Caresses during an impact scene, for instance, go a long way to help the bottom continue in the scene as well as give important feedback to the top. They also afford the additional advantage of helping to improve the pace of a scene.

Maintain an inner silence or awareness that listens for intuitive clues. Some of this, in fact, is an extrasensory perception while some is also simply taking time to evaluate the external sensations we are receiving on a physical level. Too often we can become so involved in what we're doing that we fail to take the time necessary to ask ourselves "How are we doing?" or "How are they doing?"

Pace also has to do with timing. The best scenes have a natural tempo to them, generally beginning with slow and easy and progressing to quick, intense, and hard. This, of course, is not a steady climb upward but one of peaks and lulls, as in "crescendos and diminuendos." It is important to note that the diminutive parts of the scene are just as important as the intense ones. It is the variety that creates the successful play. It is the pause that underlines and reinforces the activity.

What I've written thus far seems to place all the responsibility on the top and that is not at all the case. It is quite necessary for the bottom to provide clear feedback. In fact, "toughening it out" can actually ruin a scene. If the bottom isn't sending signals, or even worse is sending false ones, the scene is destined for failure.

Actions play an important part as well. We can't forget the value of knowing good technique and using it. Likewise actions need to be varied, which is another way of looking at pacing. Therefore it's fundamental that actions need to be studied, practiced and learned.

Good pacing isn't just part of the scene. It is also found in good negotiations, good preparation of the scene's venue, and in the aftercare, which is just as much a part of the scene as the fetish play itself.

That thought leads us to consider the environment: temperature, humidity, sound (both helpful and distracting) and privacy or the lack thereof. Is there water and/or juice handy? A place to take a break in the scene, since breaks are a good way to get feedback and to diminish the action in preparation for increasing it later.

Lastly, we need to recognize the value of spontaneity. A good scene is part choreography and part spontaneous modification of the scene to fit the flow, pacing, and feedback of the scene. Be open to adjust your activity, your speed and intensity, as well as your "plans."

And in all of this, be sure to have fun.

Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to make a purchase. You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

What Are You Saying?

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Reflections on My Survey

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