A Reflection on Love & Life

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Journaling

            It's probably no surprise that I'm in favor of keeping a diary, since I can look back on nearly 20 years of writing and see how doing so has enhanced my life. I use the words journal and diary interchangeably and would agree with Webster's definition: "A personal record of occurrences, experiences, and reflections kept on a regular basis; a diary."

            That said, I have a diary near my bed. There I keep records of dreams and ideas particularly related to my spiritual or "inner" life. On my computer you will find numerous documents that collectively qualify as parts of my journal: my bogs, my manuscripts for books in progress, emails and transcribed text messages, and random writings.

            As many of you know, for the past year I have been seeking a man willing to become an "object" for my pleasure and service. I have kept rather complete records of my conversations with these men, essentially a diary of enthrallment. I also encourage my applicants to dairy about our conversations and meetings in order to better decide if we are a fit and to help them learn more about themselves.

            This just one of the many examples of what I do with diaries. I've come up with five reasons why I journal: Documentation, Remembrance, Long-term view, Reflection, Clarity, and Career.

Documentation.

            Without documenting events, thoughts, and feelings, they quickly fade out of view. Therefore keeping a record of them insures a kind of permanence that allows us to experience the rest of the benefits that I have listed here.

            The prime reason for keeping a journal is that it chronicles my feelings and thoughts on a given day so I that I can compare the feelings on given topic over the course of time. Very often our feelings determine our decisions. Since our feelings vary like the movement of a roller-coaster, keeping track of them over a period of time (such as a month) gives us a much more balanced and over-all view of how we really feel about a topic. It is, or can be, an important help in decision-making.

            Another benefit to journaling is that our thoughts are preserved for posterity. As I child I never learned what my grandfathers believed. In fact, even though I was often around my maternal grandfather and he taught me how to garden, we never talked about important matters. As for my Dad's father, I was in the middle of a pack of 17 grandchildren, hardly noticed and seldom spoken to. My collected journals, therefore, will be a way for my grandchildren and great-grandchildren to get to know me. That said, they won't read them until they're over 21 years of age.

Remembrance.

            I once heard that the best memory in the world can't keep track of things as well as writing in pencil on a piece of paper. Write it down and it may well last a lot longer than your brain. It is as simple as that. Unfortunately we can't reflect on a topic if we don't remember the details surrounding it. The written or typed word is among the most secure memory we have.

            You see, if you forget what was said, meant, intended or agreed upon, when it's written you can look it up. If not, you're out of luck.

Long-term view.

            Things change, sometimes for the better,  sometimes for the worse. In either case, when we are in the middle of an event it looks a great deal differently than when we look back on it at a later date. For example, I am quick to panic about my cash flow. When I remember that I have survived previous cash-flow debacles (and Patrick is quick to remind me of this) the immediate crisis pales greatly.

Reflection.

            One of the most human of activities is reflection: "Mental concentration; Careful consideration; To think seriously; To express seriously considered thoughts." I will admit that we may not actually do much of it, but it is an important part of good decision making. Not only that, but reflection is the best path to wisdom. That, in itself, is the best reason to journal, since reflecting is a very important part of the journaling process.

            Please note the last paragraph carefully. Though diaries hold the memory of events and thoughts, their most important usage is as a way to foster, encourage, and preserve reflections. I find that the value of a journal is not in the moment that a passage is written but rather in the cumulative fact of reflections written of the course of time. The journal becomes an important dialogue with oneself, leading to increaed self-knowledge.

Clarity.

            That, then, brings me to another result of a good journal: clarity. What we write over the course of months speaks loudly to us about our true feelings, the real facts, and ways to resolve all sorts of issues.

            In order for this to work, we have to use a dairy as an aid to our thought process, such as by creating lists of pros and cons or keeping quotes that are meaningful to us.

Career

            Now you're liable to think that since you're not a writer, keeping a journal has nothing to do with your job. Well, think again, as everyone has to write something at some time or another. Writing itself will make you a better writer, since practice makes perfect. Of course it helps if someone reads what you write once in a while and gives you constructive criticism to help you improve.

So What does it entail?

            Journaling is a lot easier to do than we usually think. All you have to is keep at it at a regular pace. I often suggest writing about 100 words, four or five times a week. Got nothing to write about? Then comment on the weather or the news. Write about what's happened in your life, or how you feel today, or what you've dreamt or wished for. Write about your hopes and fears.

            Don't edit yourself while you are writing. Leave that for later. Just writing anything is better than not writing at all. Use pen and paper or a word processing program. Keep at it. Even if you stop for a while, then go back to it later. Something is better than nothing.

            Here are two websites for help and ideas: http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2007/07/journaling/ and http://stress.about.com/od/generaltechniques/p/profilejournal.htm.

Good luck and have a great week. Jack

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            My new novel, The Dionysian Alliance, is getting noticed. Here is a link to Erotic Awaking, a pod cast by Dan and Dawn. If you don't want to hear the spanking part (it is good) then  fast forward to the 39 minute spot on the slider: http://www.erotiwakening.com/archive/ea166-a-spanking-a-spanking/ . There you will find an interview they did with me about the book.

            A reader sent me this mini-review: "Hi Jack -- To let you know I just completed reading The Dionysian Alliance. Enjoyed it very much. I liked the clear development of characters, the visual descriptions of the locations, and the nice anticipatory flow of the story. It's pretty evident you did a lot of research to produce it, and soul-searching as to how to blend the book's many elements and themes. Thanks for a great read. -- Jerry in Taos NM"

            Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to make a purchase at http://www.LeatherViews.com.

            You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

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How to Shoot Yourself in the Foot

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The Cheating Trick

It's the day before he's planning on coming over for sex. I'll call him Jeff, since I don't even know his real name. I do know that he is 26, has had multiple BDSM experiences with men, lives with his fiancée of three years, and his marriage date is about two months away.

I met him about a year ago, when he came over for sex. As per my usual practice, when he arrived we sat in the living room to talk about what might transpire between us. For some reason we hadn't talked very much on the phone, which is my preferable way to begin negotiations. When I asked him if he was single, he admitted to living with his girlfriend.

We spoke about that for a while and I gave him my standard spiel: "Cheating is a slippery slope. You think you can get this gay thing out of your system or that you can cheat forever without being caught, but that's not going to happen."

I wrote about this topic many years ago. It was a difficult essay and the difficulty has not gone away. Tricking under these circumstances is participating in a lie, is being hypocritical, and contributes to the likely trauma of an unfortunate and difficult breakup.

I've been there. Late in 1973 at the age of 27, I discovered my attraction to men. For the next ten years, I struggled with my homosexuality, denying and repressing my feelings until, usually during a full moon, I could no longer do so. It was on those nights that I snuck away to an adult bookstore or a gay bar, had a quick sexual encounter and, full of guilt, went home to my family.

It was a slippery slope. In the early years I cheated only sporadically, in fact rarely, but over time the lure of male flesh grew stronger and stronger, my infidelity increased, and deception wove an ever-stronger web. By 1980 or so, my wife and I were in counseling and the struggle to admit my real self began in earnest. It was no easy journey.

I lived in dread of losing everything and in some ways, for some time, I almost did. 28 years after our divorce, the wounds are healed (I think), my ex-wife happily married, my children accepting of my life, and there is no need for deception. The happy ending, though, masks much heartache and many tears. Believe me, death is easier to cope with than divorce, especially when there are two young children involved.

When Jeff contacted me last week about meeting, I knew that we had met before but I didn't remember the circumstances. This time, though, we were able to have a discussion on the phone and he reminded me of the last meeting, where he had left after my lecture about his girlfriend.

A year later his desires continue. "Why me?" I asked.

"Because I think you have the experience to make me go through with it," he replied.

In each of his past encounters he has come to a point in the scene where he abruptly left, unable to cope with the intensity of the BDSM. Now he hopes that I won't stop the flogging or the beating, the pain or the sex, that I will give him a "no escape" experience.

I can't help but think of myself in his position. Of course, I never met a person like me when I was going through this process. One or two guys suggested I stop cheating and be faithful to my wife, another told me I needed a gay therapist, but by and large it was silent and anonymous sex.

I tried everything except "Ex-gay Therapy," including confession, repentance, and exorcism. After all, while I was cheating I was pastor of a conservative, Bible-believing church. None of it worked (and doesn't). The more I promised myself "Never again," the more frequently I broke my word.

OK, enough about me. What about Jeff?

Do I tell him to forget me? Do I urge him to come out? Do I say "Cancel the wedding plans and find a counselor to help you fix this mess?"

You know, don't you, that I'm not only writing about Jeff. We live in a world of hypocrites (and yes you can include me).

I have no answer to eliminating hypocrisy. It is everywhere: in politics, in churches, in sex, in munches, in paying taxes and in neighborhood taverns, local schools, in public dungeons and private affairs.

Likewise I will admit that Jesus condemned hypocrisy much more often than homosexuality. In the four gospels (King James Version) the word hypocrisy and its derivatives appear 24 times. The word homosexuality, not once.

I don't have an answer as to what I should do. There are several courses of action to take: Do nothing; Lecture him and send him home; Give him the "no escape" experience he desires; Find his fiancée and tell her what's going on; Go the wedding the stand up when the minister asks if anyone objects; Film or photograph the scene and use it as evidence against him; etc.

My feelings are rather strong about all this, though by no means certain. As you may tell from the above, I am filled with thoughts of my own process and, in fact, rather grateful for the gay men who helped me slip down the slope.

I am also rather certain about the need to be non-judgmental, even tolerant of Jeff's plight. There is part of me that imagines that a hot scene with no escape will convince him to come clean. Most of me thinks I am making much too much of all this and that

"Que Sera, Sera,

Whatever will be, will be

The future's not ours, to see

Que Sera, Sera

What will be, will be."

Without completely re-living and re-writing my own history, there is no changing my life, my decisions, and my indiscretions. What I went through was the process of learning who I was, what that meant, and who was the authentic "me." It is the same for each of us, Jeff included. I wish him luck.

Postscript a week later: Jeff didn't show up as scheduled.

Have a great week. Jack

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Buying one of my books helps to pay for the cost of this email. Please visit my website to make a purchase.

You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.