Practical Questions about Our Relationships

Ernie emailed some questions and I think the answers deserve sharing. To begin, though, let me restate my usual themes. First, all relationships are created by the two people in them. That means they are freely negotiated and never unilaterally dictated. That statement applies to the master/slave relationship as well as any other permutation you want to create.

Second, the relationships we are creating are human relationships. Most of them, if they are going to be intimate, long term, and viable, are going to follow rather traditional guidelines involving finances, health, chores, responsibility, etc., since those guidelines have generally withstood the test of time.

In answering Ernie’s questions I am going to use the word partner instead of slave, because masters and slaves are partners. Denying or ignoring that fact is to create a relationship that is probably not going to last. Likewise, what applies to Ernie and his partner-to-be, applies to us as well.

(1)  Do you think it is acceptable or realistic to require that boy/slave deposit his income into master’s checking account? From your experience and knowledge, does this create problems?

Money is, for most of us, always a problem. My rule is that any assets a partner brings into a relationship, remain his or hers. Therefore, it is put into an income-producing account in the partner’s name. Current income, on the other hand, is negotiable, depending on the relationship. A slave’s income belongs to the master. A partner’s income is mixed and the two share equally. In some cases the partner’s income is separate and an agreed-upon amount is put into a common fund to pay common expenses.

Obviously if the partners (of any kind) don’t live together, there will be little sharing of finances.

You’ll hear more of this later on, but finances need to be dealt with responsibly. That means, for instance, that arrangements must be made for everyone in the relationship to have (or gain) financial security. Yes, a slave should have a retirement plan and a savings account, to say the least. That, by the way, is why you’ll often find heterosexual masters marrying their slaves, just to insure that the slave is legally protected when it comes to assets. If you aren’t able to marry, then you’ll need a good lawyer to help you write the documents necessary to accomplish the same goal.

(2) I am poz, but I am often contacted by boys who are neg and they declare that they want to be pozzed [i.e., infected with HIV].  Do you think something like that should be incorporated in some manner into a contract?

Most certainly! One of the concepts more often forgotten in our subculture is responsibility. The partners are responsible for one another. In this case, then, you are responsible to protect and maintain the good health of your partner. Acting in a way that endangers his or her health is irresponsible.

On another note, in some states, it is also illegal to knowingly infect another person with HIV.

Lastly, I would be very careful about entering into a relationship with a person who was so misguided as to want to become infected with HIV.  If it’s not a suicidal wish, it certainly is a foolish one. He or she obviously isn’t thinking about who’s going to pay the more than $20,000 a year for medication and how he or she will deal with both the physical implications of the infection or the very bothersome side-effects of the meds.

(3)  In your experience or from your knowledge, do you think it is likely that someone 20 or more years younger than the master can GENUINELY commit to a long-term slave relationship?

Of course “Winter/Spring” relationships can last and anyone can genuinely enter into a long-term relationship. That said, we are all human and subject to the realities of our humanity. When I was married in 1971, I genuinely believed that it was “until death do us part.” When I was divorced in 1983, I was as heart-broken and surprised as anyone else. None of us knows the future. That’s why I so often write about planning for a relationship and asking all the right questions before you agree to enter into it.

Planning means that we need to especially consider the financial implications of the relationship, as very often the older partner has significantly more assets than the younger one. Be careful here, as unless the relationship is a legal marriage, biological family members might be able to trump any but the most carefully written wills.

For a fuller explanation of this, you can consult many of my books. In fact I wrote about this in my blog of January 4^th, which you can find at http://leathermusings.blogspot.com/. The books that are most pertinent are Partners in Power and Becoming a slave.

Creating a Relationship, Continued

In my last blog, I wrote “Creating a relationship, as I see it, is a three-process activity: communicating, experiencing, and deciding.” In this essay I’ll focus on the experiencing and deciding parts of the process.

In reality all three parts of the process are interwoven, very much resembling a dance between the partners. I place communication first in the list because it begins the courtship, which is the unofficial word for creating a sexual relationship. In our kinky subculture we don’t call it courtship. We call it “negotiating.” For us, they have same meaning.

As an aside, it’s unfortunate that we often take this process for granted. How, for instance, did you react to my using the word “courtship?” Did it sound too formal or out-of-date to you? I admit that relationships, even sexual ones, can certainly be casual and undefined, but my premise is that well-constructed relationships are more satisfying, more durable, and less risky. You can rush in where angels fear to tread but if angels won’t go there quickly, why should you? Now back to the topic.

We most often use words as the ice-breaker that begins everything else. They may be spoken words or written, in print or online. We may be introduced by mutual friends, meet at a bar, church, or at work. Soon after the ice is broken, the communication will also include gestures, such as body language. Obviously, too, communication will continue throughout the dance, that is, throughout the negotiating and into the relationship.

Getting Experience with One Another

At some point, though, there will need to be more than simple communication, unless we are considering an arranged marriage, which probably isn’t part of our present-day scenario. We will have to get physical in some way to see if the other person offers what we seek and to give them an opportunity to experience us as well. This is an important part of the data collection process that will feed the necessary decision-making process that follows. Note well that “in some way” is in italics.

In my view, it is a matter of “Nothing ventured; nothing gained.” We can, and sometimes do, talk relationships to death. We don’t venture past the talk part and hence never get to the experience and decision making parts. Even worse, we decide to end the negotiations because we refuse to do the experience and data-collecting phase of the process.

The fear of what-the-experience-will-bring is a prime reason that people stop the process and remain single. I would venture that this fear comes in two forms. The first is fear of failure and the second is fear commitment.

Over and over again we hesitate to experiment because we fear we will fail. Note what I have done here. I have expressed the idea of getting experience with the concept of experimenting. Unless we are willing to experiment, we will never get the experiences necessary to evaluate. Additionally, when we recognize the experimental nature of our experiencing, we see that there is no danger of failing. Experiments always teach us something. They are de facto a learning experience and therefore they are always successful.

Why do I say that? Because learning is always a successful activity, no matter what we learn. If we learn that we don’t like something, that is good. If we learn the other person’s not for us, that is good. When we experiment, we cannot fail because we will have learned something. OK, sometimes we refuse the lesson,  but that is a topic for another column.

Unfortunately we too often hesitate to experiment because we have the mistaken idea that experience means commitment. Yes, experience means that we have made some kind of short-term decision but it is hardly the irrevocable, no-turning-back decision that we fear it to be. On another note, if we never experience, if we refuse to experiment, we will never learn and therefore never attain that which we seek.

Now please don’t jump to the conclusion that experiencing one another means sex, though in this day and age of the easy lay doing so is certainly a possibility. Experiencing includes any activity that two people engage in, such as going on a date or sitting down with one another for a soda. It is the doing together that counts. Make it a movie, a dinner, a walk. It is the time together that demonstrates what you need to know. It is the experience shared with one another that tells you what the future may hold.

As experiences demonstrate the viability and possibility of a relationship, we can then begin the decision-making process, which I will cover shortly.

When it comes to the experiential part of the process I am a strong advocate of slow movement and incremental intensity. Too often we rush into deeper experiences with one another without fully evaluating where we are in the process and where we are going. Now if your relationship is meant to be nothing more than a quick fling, then speed is probably of no consequence. I also agree that even quick flings can evolve into permanent and very satisfactory relationships.

On the other hand haste makes waste and if we fail to take the time necessary to evaluate during the experiential part of the process, then we are quite liable to misinterpret the experience and make decisions that we will later regret.

I advocate that we move incrementally. Take the experience in small, progressive steps, little bites. There is no need to go whole hog.

Decisions

In fact, we are continually evaluating the environment around us and making decisions as to what we will say or do next. Unfortunately we too often decide without realizing that we are doing so. In other words our decisions are not based on rationale thinking and well-observed data. They are not planned. Often we don’t even realize that a decision may have a life-changing effect. Just as we can rush experiences we can make speedy and poorly evaluated decisions. We can misinterpret words and deeds. Both of these situations send the wrong signal to us and to our prospective partner, leading to poor communication, misunderstanding and therefore poor experiences and damaging decisions.

In past essays I have spoken about this same process in different words. Then I chose to talk about researching, asking, listening, trying, evaluating, and repeating the process until we were able to come to clear decisions about our being involved. In any case it is a small-step, many-step process that leads to increased self-knowledge and eventual success.

Have a great week.

Jack

Have you seen the new Kindle edition of Philosophy in the Dungeon?

Creating a Relationship

Every slave applicants wonders the same thing: “How does a master train and how does he begin the process?” It seems to me that those question hit at the heart of creating any kind of human relationship and so I’d like to share with you my response to Chris when he asked.

I’ll do my best to answer your questions but I’d like to remind you that I have written eight books on BDSM and that two of them, “Becoming a slave” and “Philosophy in the Dungeon,” total more than 600 pages. So please don’t expect this answer to be anything more than cursory.

There are several principles upon which I based the creation of a master/slave relationship: open communication,  holism, authenticity, trust, mutual empowerment, and mutual consent. Honestly they apply to any relationship but since there are so many false ideas about D/s relationships, I’m going to present your answer in that light. Others are free to use it as they see fit.

Creating a relationship, as I see it, is a three-process activity: communicating, experiencing, and deciding. In this essay I’ll focus on the communication part of the process.

Note, too, that I eschew the falling into method of developing relationships that are meant to last. Believe me, they have got to be built on mutual understanding, a shared vocabulary, and goals that each person can own equally with their partner. Let me take each principle in order.

Open communication

All human relationships begin with “getting to know you” and the master/slave relationship is no exception. In order to safeguard the process and well as to expedite it, I believe that the both creators of the relationship as applicants. Neither is in a position of authority, superiority, or favor.  Each must act and be treated as a free adult, with the right and duty to as much information as he or she needs to make a mature, rational, and healthy decision about entering the relationship.

Holism

Though what I am writing applies to all relationships, my words must be seen within the context of what kind of relationship the two people are creating. Hence a one-time scene only needs a certain amount of information but a long term relationship needs significantly more.

When we are considering a relationship of some durability then we need to consider more aspects of it. That means our discussions need to be appropriately inclusive with an eye to creating a holistic relationship. This predominantly applies to long term relationships and to lesser degrees to others. I don’t need to know your financial status to have sex with you once. I had better know it before we buy a house together.

There is no way to list the various aspects of holism as there are a multitude of specifics involved in the word. Generally speaking, though, we need to consider the physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual ramifications of what it is we want to do. Ask questions that address each of those topics, even to the point of developing your own discussion list. Better to learn the answers now rather than later when you are already entwined in emotional, physical, and financial bonds.

Unfortunately many people fail to consider all the aspect of a relationship before committing themselves to it, thereby setting their relationship up for eventual failure. For that reason, I believe that commitments should come slowly and incrementally.

Authenticity

The purpose of communication is to discover one’s authenticity and the characteristics of what would be an authentic relationship, i.e., Am I a master? Are you a slave? Would a relationship between us be authentic? This type of questioning applies to every relationship. Am I a teacher? Are you a student? Is entering into a mentorship authentic for us? Authenticity asks not only “Who am I now?” but just as importantly “What is my potential for the future?” Perhaps the best summary of what I have written so far are found in the words “highest potential,” as that is the best reason for entering into a relationship in the first place.

Trust

If this process is successful, then we have the ability to trust one another. Trust, as I’ve said, is earned and only given when it is proven to be deserved. Human nature being what it is, I am highly skeptical of assuming that a person is trustworthy, though by nature I am also very willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. In any case trust is the foundation upon which all relationships are founded and without it not very much is going to happen.

Mutual empowerment

Now we can move on to the purpose of the relationship, which is that the partners agree to support and encourage one another to attain their own and one another’s highest potential. In my own life, it has been my partners who have always empowered the writer within me, if only by allowing me the time and freedom to write. Likewise I have done my best to encourage Patrick’s cooking, his leadership role in the Hellfire Club, and the healing of his relationships with his biological family.

Mutual consent

Finally, all the above having taken place, we can freely agree to and live the relationship we have envisioned. Mutual consent is arrived at when there is as complete understanding as possible, no coercion of any kind, and full honesty on the part of both partners.

This is, of course, an on-going, never-ending process as we discover more fully our authentic selves and the even greater potentials that life offers to us as we grow as humans and as partners.

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That said, you’ll see that there are few specifics as to training, protocols, and expectations of daily activities. How can it be otherwise? The specifics we long to know can only be arrived at as part of the process, not as established facts.

The answers to future training, regimens, schedules, and day-to-day expectations can only be given after open communication has allowed us to know one another’s authentic self and what exactly is the potential that our relationship is meant to empower.

So, I hope, you’ll forgive me if my answer isn’t more specific. I don’t have a crystal ball with me at the moment. Our answers will only be revealed a step at a time and our decision-making should follow our discovery process at the same pace.

Happy New Year

Jack

A Change of Heart

There was a time when I thought less of long-distance relationships (LDR) than I do now. It’s not that I didn’t have them, because I’ve had them since the earliest days of my kinky life.


When I lived in Ft. Wayne, I had a part-time slave in Akron. Later I had one in St. Louis. I’ve had a few part-time relationships with guys in Chicago as well, though I tended to call them “fuck-buddies” rather than slaves. The local part-time slaves were more of the “temporarily part-time until they could move in” variety, though to be honest, none of them ever moved in.


While searching for a blog topic for this week, my new slave James suggested that I write about long-distance relationships. The reason for calling this blog “A Change of Heart” is that I find myself actually enjoying the fact that I have two slaves who live somewhere else. James, a slave of some five months, lives in Manhattan and Craig, who has served me long distance for more than three years, lives near Sioux City, Iowa. Patrick, of course, my slave of nearly 15 years, and I live together.


Although I’m prone to thinking that living together is the ideal, there is part of me that actually doubts that idea. Most LDRs are such because of some necessity. Craig is the primary care-giver for his 85-year-old mother, and James has a career in Manhattan that can’t be easily left behind. Both of them, therefore, have reasonable constraints that prohibit their moving in with us, though there is at least one spare bedroom waiting for either of them.


Considering the fact that there is always slave-sleeping-space available on the floor, finding room here in Chicago isn’t a problem. That said, the dungeon doesn’t have a view so dilettantes among the slave-wannabes might complain, albeit to no avail.


LDRs work for many reasons, accommodating necessity being only one of them. For me, they offer variety, since I believe in the maxim “The more, the merrier.” Since every relationship varies from couple to couple, I get to have three completely different master/slave experiences. Nice work if you can get it, isn’t it? Of course monogamists wouldn’t agree with me on that point, but that is their right.


Patrick enjoys the fact of my having other slaves as well. First, it gives him “time off” to pursue his own projects and to relax without having to cater to my every whim. Last week, James feted me to five days in Manhattan, leaving Patrick home alone to sleep and to finally do some household renovation that he has wanted to do for nearly seven years. Needless to say, he was pleased to have the time to himself.


Just as importantly, a visiting slave often gets assigned chores that take a few things off of Patrick’s to-do list, such as vacuuming the stairs or folding laundry.


The genesis of the multiple-slaves idea obviously arose from the fact of my high libido and my inability to be a one-man man. There is an added dimension to it, though, that I discovered only later. Some point in time, I realized how much I enjoyed being a master. I also came to the conclusion that I wanted to be more masterful, more controlling and more sadistic. More of a good thing, I concluded, could only be better.


It was clear to me that any relationship has limits. There was some amount of mastery, of control and of sadism that transgressed lines of reason, safety and health. For example, one can only beat a slave so hard before what is pleasurable becomes dangerous. The solution I arrived at was to beat two slaves, thereby expressing twice as much sadism while only inflicting half as much pain on the individual slave.


Craig and James, therefore, afford me the pleasure of increased mastery without the danger that would affect Patrick if he had to bear the full brunt of my desires. The fact that their physical services are limited by time and distance, also means that they can “enjoy” a weekend intensity that is impossible to maintain on a 24/7 basis.


There are, I should point out, practices that make a LDR work. Each slave has protocols that remind him of his servitude even when he is absent from Chicago. Primarily these have to do with his own sexual freedom, such as needing permission to masturbate or to play with others.


Each has developed the habit of frequent phone contact. James has been ordered to keep a journal. Another LDR applicant is under orders to send a daily email of devotion.


Though there are some LDR couples who have never had physical contact, I do expect that we meet and that we do so on some regular basis. With James, this has evolved into a once-a-month practice, while Craig has been averaging six-to-eight weeks between visits. The regularity of physical service is highly depended upon the constraints of distance, cost and time.


In the final analysis, I have to agree with my mother who said “Half a loaf is better than none.” Having James and Craig in my life is certainly a case of “Having my cake and eating it too.” Now I only have to ask “Where are the other 14?” — and when I have an answer to that question, all will be well.


Have a great week.


Jack

The Ancient and Primitive Connection

An applicant asked me recently, “Sir, if you don't mind me asking, I was wondering if you would explain to me Bacchanalian celebration and Dionysian initiation. I am vaguely familiar with the celebration and the gods, but not as it would relate to slave training.”

To translate this into a broader BDSM context he is asking “What do primitive cults have to teach us today?”

Though it is true that my educational and religious background, beginning in early childhood and proceeding along right into seminary and Christian ministry, colors (to say the least) my kinky life, my more recent studies of primitive societies, ancient mystery cults and Jungian psychology have shown incredible similarities between those three topics and what it is that we do (WIITWD).

Of course WIITWD varies from group to group, scene to scene and locale to locale. Nevertheless the basic similarities such as hedonism, altered states and sadomasochism remain wherever kinky people play or Leathermen work or whatever appellation you want to use.

So whereas in most public play spaces alcohol is forbidden, there are a few where it is not. Therein lies at least one Bacchanalian connection. Its use is significantly more tolerated and even at times welcome in private activities, as is the use of recreational drugs. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

There, I’ve gone and said it. Yes, there is some illegal drug use in our subculture but that is merely a reflection of the greater society in which we live. One of the few things more prevalent than illegal drug use in America is the hypocrisy that denies its prevalence. But I digress.

So then what are some of those similarities? Fertility rites; initiatory practices; worship; theater that leads to catharsis and/or an altered state; altered states themselves; inspiration aka revelation; bonding; and the transference of cultural values, to name the ones that come to mind most quickly.

Fertility rites

Though there is a minority in the BDSM community who deny that their BDSM is sexual in nature, for most of us kink and sex are inseparable. Now I admit that most of us don’t have sex in order to procreate so fertility in its strictest definition may not be appropriate. On the other hand, if we understand the word in a broader context, then it applies, as in developing a fertile imagination or freeing us to become more creative.

We can also simply look upon the physical similarities between what happens in the dungeon and what might happen in ancient and/or primitive fertility rites. My readings suggest a great number of similar events. Might we not learn from those rites in order to improve and perfect our own?

Initiatory practices

The same can be asked about rites of initiation. It is probably true that initiatory rites, in that they are generally more trauma-producing, sadistic, and physically dangerous, are even better examples for our instruction and edification.

It is my opinion that whipping, needle play, and impact play may be found, in one degree or another in many cultures that initiate. Even the Roman Catholic sacrament of Confirmation involves the Bishop slapping the face of the initiate, though the slap is only the shadow of a real one.

Our initiations are generally not recognized as such but certainly have the effect that the ancient and primitives ones have, namely, greater bonding with the community and a sense of personal achievement that leads to “adulthood” within that community.

We can also look at the more recent (within the past 60 years) practices in the Gay SM subculture of Leather clubs. Though in many ways the practice has declined, men who joined such clubs usually had to undergo a period as a pledge (six months to a year) during which they were taught and tested. That experience ended with an initiatory experience, such as the bestowal of a vest, being tied to a motorcycle and being pissed on by the members of the fraternity. Hence the phrase, earning your leathers. Welcome to the club!

Worship

OK. Many of us don’t want to mix religion with our sex. It is my conviction that sex and spirit, and therefore spirituality, cannot be separated, pretend as we might that such is not the case. Look at the face value of our language. Cock worship? Goddess worship? What do they mean if they don’t mean worship? Differentiate as much as you like between the worship of God in the traditional Judeo-Christian sense and the worship of the dominatrix or the master in the BDSM sense you still have those similarities .

You can, and many do, make those distinctions but I wonder if at some point the distinctions don’t get blurred. When the newly-wed man says to his bride “I adore you,” does that make God jealous? I don’t think so, but maybe. Is adoration akin to worship? I think so, as is praise and devotion.

Theater that leads to catharsis and/or an altered state

It may appear dismissive to call WIITWD “theater” but if we recognize it as the best of what theater has to offer, then I think the name applies. When the actor’s acting is excellent, he or she ceases to “act” but becomes the character being portrayed. When the cast is excellent, the script well-done, theater-goers find themselves transported, perhaps even transfixed by what happens on stage. That is when true catharsis takes place and the play becomes not merely a show but a deeply meaningful experience and a close identification with what is happening on the stage.

Altered states themselves

What we most closely share with ancient and primitive societies is the experience of having our consciousness altered, subspace if you will. I came to this conclusion when I realized that a childhood experience after taking communion, my experience as a Pentecostal believer, and a very powerful SM scene all had the same result on my consciousness. I was transported, albeit only temporarily, into a powerful realm of light and peace, perhaps infinity, the void, or bliss.

Inspiration aka revelation

Our best experiences lead us to various forms of intuited knowledge, most often of oneself but in other areas as well. Much of what we learn, of course, is experiential, but there are times when we transcend the physical to discover the infinite and eternal.

Bonding and the transference of cultural values

Just as primitive societies rely on initiatory experience to both celebrate and induce changes in a member’s place in that society, so does our “play” in the dungeon create deep inter-personal bonds and deeply transmit the unique social values of WIITWD. We can, you’ll admit, talk about a flogging all we want. It still remains that experiencing the flogging is the only true way to experience its possible life-changing effect.

Those, my friends, are the reasons I see that knowledge of whatever our Dionysian and Bacchae ancestors did has some thing, if not a lot of things, to add to what it is that we do. We may not know much about their actual rites and ceremonies, but I bet they’d feel right at home in any BDSM party that we’d host.

Have a great week.

Jack

Do I Care?

Not only do I write as a career, I write to seduce men into my dungeon. As I cruise, I’m very liable to suggest that a potential sex partner read one of my books or (more often) give them something I’ve written that details my desires. I recently sent a potential slave applicant an essay that characterizes me, the kind of slave I am seeking, the rules he will live by and the fetishes that will be part of his service to me.

Now this guy holds a higher-than-usual level of attraction for me because he is a professional freelance editor and therefore can relocate relatively easily (all his work is done with a computer and his client interactions are most often done online). He has just the talents I need to take care of my ever-demanding clerical chores.

The editor-in-him wrote: “it is having difficulty fully squaring the following two statements: ‘I am in multiple relationships each of which is clearly defined. We are a leather family of respect and care. [and] I am self-centered and can be a mean and demanding son-of-a-bitch. Though I am generous and protective, in most cases I don’t care about a slave’s feelings.’”

The word “care,” used in two different ways, caused problems for him. If he had picked up the same dictionary that I did, the “American Heritage College dic-tion-ar-y,” he would have seen that there are 15 definitions for the word. So get your dictionary, and look them up —or if you want to take it from me, then I’ll use the two that best explain the seeming discrepancy that he pointed out. The first is “A burdened state of mind, as that arising from heavy responsibilities; worry.” The second is “Caution in avoiding harm or danger.”

In the sentence, “We are a leather family of respect and care,” I mean that we use caution in avoiding harm or danger. We care for each other in a supportive and protective way.

On the other hand, I mean it when I say: “I am self-centered and can be a mean and demanding son-of-a-bitch. Though I am generous and protective, in most cases I don’t care about a slave’s feelings.” My slave’s feelings are not important to me.

I say that because one of the most important tasks that a slave faces is to align his (or her) will and desire to those of his (or her) owner. It is exactly this synchronization of mind that facilitates the creation of a deeply intimate bond between master and slave. Of course the same can be said of any human relationship. When two people agree, they become like-minded, of one mind. The deeper the agreement, the stronger the one-mindedness.

This requires surrender on the slave’s part. Without surrender there is no possibility of voluntary servitude, which is what we masters and slaves practice. Remember, our “slavery” is not the chattel slavery of enforced servitude, imposed by the threat of punishment and/or death. It is the true surrender of one to another that transforms the slave’s feelings into alignment with the master’s feelings. Hence the slave’s feelings become a reflection of mine. The feelings he has are mine. When that happens, I care how he feels because he feels as I do — and I care about my feelings.

I guess I don’t worry about his feelings because I’m too busy worrying about my feelings, which, because we share them, are really our feelings.

In regards to the phrase “a leather family of respect and care,” I am merely reaffirming core principles of the master/slave dynamic. Masters must be responsible. In other words, we have a duty to protect our property. What owners don’t want to do so? We wisely invest our dollars; we make sure our homes are kept in good repair; we feed our livestock and manage our businesses so they prosper. How can we not do the same for our slaves?

Also, as my New York slave James notes, there is a “mutuality of interest.” Unless I care for my slave as I would for any other piece of property or any relationship, I will quickly lose the property and therefore the benefits that the property affords me. In that regard “taking care” is simply a selfish act since it ensures the continuity of the service and pleasure that I get from the slave.

I want my BDSM to be fun but I also want it to be intellectually satisfying, rational and healthy. In order for that to be so, we must spend time on the essentials. There is an important need to consider these two important definitions of the word “care.”

And without giving “care” its full range of meaning,  our play will cease to be fun.

It is as simple as that.

Have a great week

Jack

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