Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Reflections on My Survey

My first thought about the survey I passed out two weeks ago is that the next time I have an idea like that I'm going to ask my friends at CARAS (https://carasresearch.org/) to help me do it. I can't believe I forgot to ask for demographic data, such as age, gender, and time in the lifestyle. I'm no Mr. Gallup, that's for sure.

But, hey, it was a spur-of-the-moment idea and that's what you answered.

My first reaction was to the question about sex. As you might know there is a raging controversy as to whether BDSM is about sex or not. The answers are rather conclusive. "Is the about sex?" 80% answered "hell yes" or "the more the merrier." Of course that doesn't tell me whether more is a three-way or more is just more sex with the same person. Either way… it is about sex. As a matter of fact the questions ranks lowest in the "No" category, gaining only 1.6% who felt that way.

On the other end of the scale, scat (shit play) is the big bug-a-boo with 40.68% saying "No way." That was followed by Needles at 34.2%, Piss at 24.3% and Breath Control at 22.8%. The chart below gives the highest ranked choice in each category:

Sex                    44.7      Hell, yes
Scat                   40.8      No and I'll rim a clean hole (tied)
Needles             34.2       I hate going to the doctors
Genitorture        30.8      That hurts. Do it again
Bondage           28.1      The Tighter the better
Cages               27.0      Sure that might be fun
Puppy Play       24.9      We need to buy some knee pads
Piss                  24.3      No or I'll rim a clean hole (tied)
D/s                   22.8      I want to serve you
Breath Control  22.8      No and A little pressure (tied)
Whip                22.3      Make it hurt
Tit Play             21.7      Clamps with rubber protectors
Ass Play           17.9      Use your dick
Verbal Abuse   13.8      I love it when you talk dirty.


The results are posted below. I'm going to take the easy way out and let you come to your own conclusions. If you are receiving a text version of this column, you can read the formatted version at leathermusings.blogspot.com.

1
Shall I whip you?
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count Whipping
1. Not at all 3.2% 14 No 3.2%
2. Deerskin sensations only 2.0% 9 Low Mid 61.7%
3. Mildly until I say stop 5.4% 24 High Mid 32.3%
4. A little red is nice 17.8% 79 Extreme 2.7%
5. Make it hurt 22.3% 99
6. Make me cry 14.2% 63
7. Black and blue is better 8.4% 37
8. Welts 15.8% 70
9. Blisters 2.5% 11
10. Blood 5.6% 25
11. Hamburger anyone? 2.7% 12
Other (please specify) 19
answered question 443
skipped question 14
2
Want to do scat?
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count Scat
1. No way 40.8% 182 No 40.8%
2. I'll kiss a clean ass 8.5% 38 Low Mid 52.6%
3. I'll rim a clean hole 40.8% 182 High Mid 4.7%
4. A dry fart is OK 2.0% 9 Extreme 1.8%
5. Give me a wet fart 0.4% 2
6. I like the taste of dingle berries 0.9% 4
7. Let me clean your dirty hole 3.6% 16
8. I'm a wiper 0.9% 4
9. I'm a flusher 0.2% 1
10. I'm a shit-eating pig. Bring on the turds. 1.8% 8
Other (please specify) 16
answered question 446
skipped question 11
3
Are you into Golden Showers (piss)?
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count Piss
1. That's a private thing. Not here please 24.3% 105 No 24.3%
2. I'll smell that drop on your genitals 3.0% 13 Low Mid 29.2%
3. Can I taste it? 1.4% 6 High Mid 27.3%
4. Well if you only want to piss ON me, that's OK 13.9% 60 Extreme 19.2%
5. I think you need to give me a shower 10.9% 47
6. A little on my lips is alright 7.4% 32
7. I'll drink it. 5.1% 22
8. Give it to me right from the tap 14.8% 64
9. Hell, yes. Don't waste that beer. Recycle it. 19.2% 83
Other (please specify) 24
answered question 432
skipped question 25
4
How much may I control you?
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count D/s
1. We're equals Mister. Get over it 2.2% 10 No 2.2%
2. A little give and take is fun 4.9% 22 Low Mid 31.2%
3. I'll do most of what you say 4.2% 19 High Mid 52.4%
4. I like pleasing people 7.6% 34 Extreme 14.1%
5. Can we do it in the dungeon only 5.6% 25
6. It's OK for role play 8.9% 40
7. I want to serve you 22.8% 102
8. I want to be your slave 15.8% 71
9. I want to obey you always 13.8% 62
10. You are my god 14.1% 63
Other (please specify) 14
answered question 448
skipped question 9
54.0%
5
Is this about sex?
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count Sex
1. No. I'm saving myself 1.6% 7 No 1.6%
2. Cuddling only 1.4% 6 Low Mid 12.2%
3. Fondling and kissing is OK but keep your clothes on 0.9% 4 High Mid 50.9%
4. Groping is nice 1.8% 8 Extreme 35.3%
5. Give it to me skin to skin 2.3% 10
6. Sure but no penetration 5.8% 25
7. Sure but only anal penetration. I want to stay a virgin 0.7% 3
8. What the Hell. I love you 5.5% 24
9. Sex? Hell yes 44.7% 194
10. The more the merrier 35.3% 153
Other (please specify) 27
answered question 434
skipped question 23
6
Bondage anyone?
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count Bondage
1. No thanks 1.7% 7 No 1.7%
2. You know, ribbons might be nice 0.7% 3 Low Mid 12.5%
3. Can we try those handcuffs for a little while 11.8% 50 High Mid 80.0%
4. Rope is relaxing 26.2% 111 Extreme 5.9%
5. The tighter the better 28.1% 119
6. Got any plastic wrap 7.3% 31
7. Make me into a mummy 18.4% 78
8. Plaster casts are the best 5.9% 25
Other (please specify) 23
answered question 424
skipped question 33
7
Can we get anal?
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count Ass Play
1. Don't touch that. I'm not queer 2.3% 10 No 2.3%
2. Well a little finger on the rim feels nice 2.6% 11 Low Mid 25.7%
3. Yeah you can feel my hole 3.5% 15 High Mid 42.3%
4. I actually like that 7.0% 30 Extreme 29.8%
5. Get some lube and go in further 8.6% 37
6. How many fingers is that? 4.0% 17
7. Try using your dick will you? 17.9% 77
8. Got anything bigger? 6.7% 29
9. Put on a glove, honey. This is love 5.1% 22
10. Are you in yet? 0.5% 2
11. Wow. I took the whole thing 12.1% 52
12. No. Don't take it out 29.8% 128
Other (please specify) 15
answered question 430
skipped question 27
8
Genitorture anyone?
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count Genitorture
1. No. You can't hurt me there! 3.3% 14 No 3.3%
2. Touch me nice. I'm not into pain 7.9% 34 Low Mid 54.1%
3. Oh. That feels good 15.4% 66 High Mid 39.2%
4. Oh. That hurts. Do it again. 30.8% 132 Extreme 3.3%
5. Harder. I can take it 8.6% 37
6. I can take whatever you dish out 7.2% 31
7. Hit me there again. Harder. Harder. 11.0% 47
8. Pull them will you? 12.4% 53
9. You know. I think life would be easier without them 3.3% 14
Other (please specify) 16
answered question 428
skipped question 29
9
Can I needle you?
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count Needle Play
1. I hate going to the doctors 34.2% 145 No 34.2%
2. Well, I'll try one if you promise not to hurt me 15.3% 65 Low Mid 21.4%
3. That was nothing. Can I watch the next time 6.1% 26 High Mid 32.6%
4. How about a nice design 16.7% 71 Extreme 11.8%
5. The more the merrier – oh we said that before, didn't we? 5.7% 24
6. What's your record? Let's go for it 6.4% 27
7. Make it bleed 3.8% 16
8. Oh what a pretty color red. Can I taste it? 11.8% 50
Other (please specify) 20
answered question 424
skipped question 33
10
Titty, titty, bang, bang?
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count Tit Play
1. Hands off. Touching them does nothing for me. 1.9% 8 No 1.9%
2. Brush them nicely, I said 8.6% 37 Low Mid 30.3%
3. Clamps? Sure if they got rubber protectors 21.7% 93 High Mid 32.5%
4. Harder. I can take it. Do I have to repeat myself? 12.4% 53 Extreme 35.3%
5. Can you take off those rubber protectors 5.4% 23
6. Got any needles 5.8% 25
7. Let's twist again like we did last summer 8.9% 38
8. Oh good. They'll be really sore tomorrow 35.3% 151
Other (please specify) 17
answered question 428
skipped question 29
11
Are you into breath control?
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count Breath Control
1. I agree with J.W. That's too dangerous 22.8% 96 No 22.8%
2. Caress my neck. Don't squeeze 12.1% 51 Low Mid 34.9%
3. A little pressure is exciting 22.8% 96 High Mid 40.1%
4. Got any rope 2.1% 9 Extreme 2.1%
5. Make me think it's dangerous. I like the feeling of fear 19.5% 82
6. Do it until I say stop 3.6% 15
7. Oh, I can't say stop 5.9% 25
8. Did I really pass out? For how long 9.0% 38
9. Wake up I said. Wake up. Oh, God, please wake up. 2.1% 9
Other (please specify) 10
answered question 421
skipped question 36
12
Are you being cagey with me?
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count Cages
1. You want me in there? 10.5% 43 No 10.5%
2. Well if you don't shut the door 1.7% 7 Low Mid 34.5%
3. OK if you don't lock the door 5.8% 24 High Mid 39.9%
4. Sure that might be fun 27.0% 111 Extreme 15.1%
5. For how long did you say? 11.2% 46
6. Is my time over already 12.9% 53
7. Yeah I don't mind being left alone 15.8% 65
8. You back so soon? 15.1% 62
Other (please specify) 14
answered question 411
skipped question 46
13
"Woof, Woof," I said.
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count Puppy Play
1. No. I am a responsible adult 17.1% 71 No 17.1%
2. Does that mean I can play with your bone, er? 10.1% 42 Low Mid 30.6%
3. On all fours like this? 9.4% 39 High Mid 43.5%
4. Got a doggie collar 11.1% 46 Extreme 8.7%
5. I like leashes 18.6% 77
6. We need to buy some knee pads 24.9% 103
7. Where's the Alpo? 8.7% 36
Other (please specify) 16
answered question 414
skipped question 43
14
What kind of person do you think I am?
Answer Options Response Percent Response Count Verbal Abuse
1. Respect me or else 10.1% 42 No 10.1%
2. Will you respect me in the morning 3.4% 14 Low Mid 25.5%
3. Well, OK, but don't use the N word 2.7% 11 High Mid 40.1%
4. I like it when you talk dirty. 13.8% 57 Extreme 24.4%
5. Got any other four letter words 5.6% 23
6. You make me feel like trash. Talk to me some more 5.1% 21
7. How low do you want me to go? 4.8% 20
8. One man's trash is another man's treasure 6.3% 26
9. Humiliation is good for the soul 9.4% 39
10. Degradation makes me hard/wet 8.0% 33
11. I deserve it Sir/Ma'am 6.5% 27
12. I need it Sir/Ma'am 24.4% 101
Other (please specify) 10
answered question 414
skipped question 43


You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Where Are You on the Continuum?

Except for gardening I've not had a lot to do recently so, as you probably gathered, I'm been spending more time cruising for more slaves. Some applicants are looking for a more traditional service role and others are looking for an intensive and degrading kind of ownership. Most, of course, have no idea what the are seeking.

So I began thinking about the continuum of control: 1. We're equals Mister. Get over it. 2. A little give and take is fun. 3. I'll do most of what you say. 4. I like pleasing people. 5. Can we do it in the dungeon only? 6. It's OK for role play. 7. I want to serve you. 8. I want to be your slave and 9. I want to obey you always.

And then my mind went wild. What about the other fetishes: Whipping, Scat, Piss, Control, Sex, Bondage, Ass play, Genital torture, Needles, Tit work, Breath Control, Caging, Puppy Play, Humiliation and Verbal Abuse? Voila I had a survey.

So do me a favor, huh? Click on the link below and fill it out. Sorry only one response per computer.


Create your free online surveys with SurveyMonkey, the world's leading questionnaire tool.




You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Obedience Explained

It’s my opinion that dominant/submissive relationships are highly structured and incorporate a control-based dynamic. That said, I can see why slave and object-applicants often seek details of what their relationship will look like once they enter into it. It’s not an unreasonable question and no matter how you want to structure your relationship, you probably are going to ask a similar question.

More common relationships probably need less discussion because there are many role models which the couple can look to in creating their relationship. Obviously objectification isn’t one of them. "Slavery" may have a bit more commonality in the BDSM subculture but even at that it’s not enough to give us a good picture.

In any case the question is really a more personal question and it can be better stated as "What will you require of me in terms of obedience?" That answer will always vary as all relationships, and I mean ALL, are created by the two people in them.

So a recent applicant asked me to “elaborate” on my rules for him. I'll call him Reggie, since he's the guy I wrote about in the "Lessons" blog several weeks ago.

I sent him a copy of thing's most recent list of rules. Thing, as you've been reading, is my object for the time being, now in its second contract and therefore its second set of rules. He wanted to know if thing's rules would be his rules. The answer is no, since every person, place, and thing is unique. Excuse the pun but how could I avoid it?

Questions are well-answered only if one probes the query to answer the actual question, not just the one asked. I could give Reggie a list of rules. After all, even thinking about him and them arouses me. Control is, after all, my primary fetish.

The basic and more important answer has to do with the nature of obedience, which is "The quality or condition of dutifully complying with the commands, orders, or instructions of one in authority." I would quickly note that the definition doesn't contain a list of do's and don'ts. Hell, there aren't even any rules listed. If one has to ask "What are the rules that I will have to obey?" then one is not dutifully complying. One is setting limits and qualifying the meaning and activity of obeying.

This distinction is an important one, since it helps to define the relationship. As my slave Patrick is quick to point out, all relationships have some degree of authority in them, hence they all demand some kind of obedience (Yes, Dear, I'll take out the garbage). In as much as Reggie and I are discussing a more pervasive form of obedience (objectification), then a higher degree of "dutifully complying" is expected.

I distinguish between two forms of obedience. The first, which concerns Reggie, is composed of the rules. The second, which I think is more important, concerns the orders. Simply put, rules are those activities which one obediently performs in a regular and continuing time frame, i.e., "The object will not use the toilet. His usual mode of defecation and urination is into the pail, when permission is granted and the task is monitored." Did I say I was into control? It's my primary fetish.

Orders, on the other hand, pertain to a specific situation, such as "Go mow the lawn." Ah, objects can be so helpful, can't they?

Rules can be further classified into three categories: protocols, routines, and events, though here I might be nit-picking a bit. The willingness to obey grants me the right to determine the rules. Therefore I create protocols. I set its schedule. I control which events happen and when, where, and how. OK, a schedule is actually a set of events. I'm just trying to be clear. Please excuse the obvious redundancy.

Since I've used that over-used word (protocol) I had better note that I am not talking about some set of mythological old-guard invented rites, forms, and expectations. Protocols between master and slave or owner and object are just that: between the two of them. They are meant to define how he, she or it acts towards his, her or its master, mistress, sir, ma'am, or lord. It's your relationship, create your own protocols. Borrowing is allowed; aping is not.

I set its schedule. Rising, grooming, working, serving, waiting, acting, and sleeping. It does what it does because its owner has controlled its day and its night. It needs to be controlled and knowing it is controlled gives it security and a sense of belonging. When it is under control, it is where it wants to be.

Notice, please, that the schedule acknowledges the practical and the mundane as well as the exciting and the sexual. Although it would seem that this is all a fantasy, it can't be sustained if it is lived as a fantasy. Relationships must recognize the pragmatic needs of everyday existence.

And, lastly, there are events. I want to flog it so I do. It may not be in the schedule. It may not be expected. It is simply a matter of my Will be done. That is obedience.

I want Reggie to understand that obedience is not found in a list of rules. It comes, and only comes, with dutiful compliance. That demands surrender. In fact without surrender there can be no actual obedience.

And that's surely a topic for another day. Have a great week. Jack

To read past blogs, go to LeatherViews.blogspot.com. You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Thinking About My Thing

No, I don't mean the thing in my pants. I mean the thing who was my object for this past week. If that doesn't make sense, then read last week's blog at LeatherViews.blogspot.com for more information.

As a short refresher, thing and I were trying a week-long experiment in objectification. He agreed to a one-week contract that put him under my control, the purpose of which was to see if there was some agreement in what that kind of relationship would look and feel like and if such a relationship worked between the two of us.

It was a long distance relationship maintained by yahoo chat, instant messaging, email, a daily phone call, and an occasional webcam encounter.

I encouraged thing to submit as an experiment because words only demonstrate and explain so much. Most decisions, and certainly most of those concerning relationships, are best made when based on experience. We both wanted to get some experience.

The experiment was meant to answer many questions for both of us: Is objectification even possible? Are the feelings it engender pleasing to both? What does it involve? Do we communicate well enough to sustain a relationship? What does it look like in terms of activity? Do we like and understand each other? What obstacles hinder the development of objectification and are they surmountable?

Do you recognize those questions? If you use a term other than "objectification," they are the ones that any two people ought to ask themselves as they develop a relationship. Of course many of us fail to do so, since intimate relationships are often based on "falling in love" rather than letting love be one of several factors we use in the process of commitment making.

If we both decide that we want to continue, we will enter into a two week-commitment and an increase in control.

It's what my grandmother (Mommy Rose) used to call "upping the ante." Our family had a strong tradition of playing poker after holiday feasts. It was strictly penny-ante. You could always tell when Mommy Rose had a good hand because she would invariably ask my uncle how high she could bid. I think she was hoping she could raise everyone more than the three cent limit. She couldn't.

Poker was always "dealer's choice" so there would be all sorts of variations on the game. The real pot worth winning was when someone chose progressive poker. That meant if no one could open a hand with jacks or better, the next dealer had to play the same game, now openers were queens and there was another ante which increased the pot.

Relationships are like poker in many ways.

I do like the analogy for two reasons. First, I am a steadfast believer in "upping the ante" and secondly I see that healthy relationships are progressive.

I try my best to always begin negotiations for a relationship with the understanding that both of us are equal. I'm not in favor of this "I'm the master"' stuff when two people begin to discuss having a relationship. Unless negotiations are carried on between two equals, there is a high risk of there being faulty negotiations. Communication will tend to be one-sided, the bottom will be intimidated, and a lot of what ought to be asked and answered will instead be neglected.

Simply stated, the relationship starts after the negotiations, not before.

That first principle is then embellished by the second. As we negotiate and come to common agreement, we may indeed implement some part of our agreement, beginning a rudimentary relationship that will progress by degrees to a more complex one. Hence we "up the ante."

Defining a relationship by degrees, i.e., progressively, works because the progress can be built upon the knowledge the partners gain through experiencing the relationship. Time and talk build trust, thereby allowing comfort levels to increase and which allows for the deepening of the relationship. The operative idea here is incrementally.

This myth of "whole hog" is bunk. It is amazing how many potential partners, consciously or not, feel that it's all or nothing and right away. I will even grant you that there are tops and bottoms that think that's how it should be.

Even while I was writing this blog I received this email: "In Your profile many of Your likes sound exciting to me. I am not [an] experienced slave/bottom however, yet willing to try most of the items from your list. Not all of them though! You wrote about total control and objectification but I can't a priori agree to everything. If despite of the above You wanted try to enslave and objectify me, I am willing to subject to your power for a weekend. Sincerely, a candidate to learn how to please You."

This well-intentioned man (age 56) assumes that we will meet and play for a weekend without anything happening beforehand. No wonder I rant. Why don't people understand the need to negotiate? To build trust? To create a scene or a relationship only after clear communication and agreed upon activities?

Sheesh!

On the other hand, I don't blame the guy who "is not [an] experienced slave/bottom." I blame us for not being clearer on the need for negotiations, for references, and for clear communications.

It's enough to make me want to give up SSC and RACK. Give me NR&CC!

Have a great week. I've got to write a two week contract for thing. He's willing to take the next step and I'm happy to oblige him.

Jack Rinella

You can send me email at mrjackr@leathermail.com or visit my website at http://www.LeatherViews.com. You can also subscribe to my blog at LeatherMusings.blogspot.com. Copyright 2011 by Jack Rinella, all rights reserved.